Mario, Pauline, and Donkey Kong in: The Great Ape Escape! Chapter 1: Jumpman vs. Society

“Breaking News: New York’s favorite gorilla, Donkey Kong, has escaped from his pen at the Bronx Zoo. If you see a 7 foot, 10 inch tall, 800 pound gorilla wearing a stylish, bright red necktie with the printed initials ‘D.K.’, please call 9-1-1 immediately.”

Mario nearly choked on his pepperoni slice as he overheard the newscast on the dusty, ancient CRT television that rested on the counter of Mona’s Pizza. His blind date, Danielle “Pauline” Verducci, looked at him askance. Wearing her daring red dress and pearls, along with her designer purse and kino sun hat, she was wildly out of place amongst the crowd of construction workers and wrecking crew members who made up Mona’s regular customers. “I fail to see what’s so humorous. A wild gorilla in New York? The poor thing must be so frightened!”

Remembering his mama mia’s lessons on manners, Mario tried to daintily wipe away an oil stain from his mustache with a brown napkin. “Well, it’s just that specific bit about the necktie. How many other gorillas do they think are rampaging through the Bronx?”

Pauline nibbled the tip of her pizza, before staring at the stock footage of the world-famous gorilla with a far-off look in her eye. “Oh, there’s no mistaking that magnificent, noble gorilla. I got to talk to him during the grand opening ceremony for the exhibit. Daddy’s on the board of members, you see. If you ask me, it’s not fair, keeping gorillas in cages. They have feelings too! Why shouldn’t Donkey Kong be allowed roam free? He’s a person too!”

“But…he’s a gorilla?”

“Exactly! You know, I’m convinced that pitiable creature understood me, more than any regular person ever could. Gorillas are such intelligent animals. They can learn sign language! I think I saw that on a Jane Goodall documentary, once.” 

Mario resisted the urge to argue, opting instead for tact. “Well, I hope the big lug gets home safe.”

“He’s not a big lug! He’s a sweet, sensitive soul! I’m always right about these things. Daddy says I’m an excellent judge of character, when I make the effort!”

Mario side-eyed the TV, which now depicted the sweet, sensitive, soulful Donkey Kong ripping iron bars out concrete with his bare hands. “When I called him a big lug, I meant it affectionately. So, Miss Verducci, what do you like to do, when you’re not at grand openings and ribbon cutting ceremonies?”

“Oh, you know. Charity balls. Broadway. The New York Stock Exchange. There’s always so much to do! What about yourself, Mr. Mario? What do you do when you’re not working in carpentry?”

Mario beamed. “Well, it’s usually a 10-hour shift on the construction site, then Luigi and I burn the midnight oil on the plumbing coursework for vocational school. Once we get our apprenticeship, the sky’s the limit!”

“Ah…you want to be a plumber?”

Stars appeared in Mario’s eyes. “You bet I do! Plumbers can always get work, even in this lousy economy! And once I become a journeyman, I can finally make enough to take care of Mom and Dad, and start a family of my own! Heck, if President Reagan can just get this stagflation under control, I might be able to save up enough to buy a home! I’m this close to living the American dream! God bless America!” As the star-spangled banner played over the television, Mario pulled off his red cap, and stood at attention. Now, Mario, the pint-sized, patriotic, potential plumber, was nearly at eye-level with Pauline, the scowling, spoiled, still-seated socialite.

Pauline didn’t react. “How nice. Well, this date has been…most memorable, Mister Mario. But I really should be getting home. Thank you for the pizza.”

Mario fixed his hat back on his head. “Oh? So soon? I was gonna’ take you to see a flick. I hear Raiders of the Lost Ark is–” Mario did a chef’s kiss, “perfetto!”

Mario hesitated when he noticed Pauline roll her eyes. “Sorry, daddy gets hot and bothered if I’m out late with a guy. He might spank me if I’m home late.” She said the word “spank” teasingly, as though daring Mario to comment on it.

Mario gently offered Pauline his arm as he followed her out Mona’s Pizza. “I see. Well, we wouldn’t want that. Let’s take a rain check on that movie, then. I’ll walk you home.”

Pauline grimaced, clutching her purse tight to avoid accepting Mario’s arm. “The thing is, I’m not sure this is going to work out.”

Mario’s mustache curled. “Was it something I said?”

Pauline brushed her radically curly, permed hair out of her eyes. “Oh, it’s not you, it’s me! You’re a really nice guy, but…I’m more into the Donald-Trump-types! You know: big hair, big suits…big red ties!”

Mario nodded. “I see. Well, let me walk you home anyway. Can’t be too careful in the Bronx these days.”

Pauline blushed as she caught sight of an elderly married couple, waving at them knowingly from the other side of the street. What if one of her friends spotted her like this? It would be all over the gossip rags by tomorrow morning: Daniella “Pauline” Verducci, caught arm-in-arm on a romantic stroll with a short, fat, carpenter-to-be-plumber in greasy overalls? 

Pauline pulled down her sun hat, and fumbled to find her collapsible parasol in her purse. Anything to make her less recognizable to the paparazzi. “Really, you’d think the women’s rights movement never happened. It’s the 1980s. I don’t need a big strong man to do everything for me!”

Mario shrugged. “Well, I ain’t telling Mama I let a gal walk home alone in New York City. Once I get you home safe, I’ll be outta’ your hair. ” 

Pauline stuck her nose in the air, not bothering to slow her pace as she powerwalked in her stiletto high heels. “I’m perfectly capable of walking home. It’s the middle of the afternoon, what do you think’s gonna’ happen?”

“Oh no! A 7 foot, 10 inch tall, 800 pound gorilla–wearing a stylish, bright red necktie with the printed initials ‘D.K’.–is attacking that fried banana stand! Someone call 9-1-1!” screamed a small child, with perfect comedic timing.

“My bananas!” wailed the banana merchant.

Three of the N.Y.P.D.’s finest officers dropped their donuts, and reached for their firearms. “Quick! Shoot that monster!”

Mario grabbed Pauline by the shoulders to lead her away from the danger, but she resisted him. “No! Don’t shoot Donkey Kong! He may look like a monster on the outside, but he’s really a gentle soul!” she wailed.

The second officer fumbled with his service revolver. “She’s right! Donkey Kong belongs at the Bronx Children’s Zoo! The children love him!”

Pauline threw her wrist against her forehead. “The children! Won’t someone please think of the children?” she whined.

The third officer bit her lip. “Well, maybe we wait to see if the gorilla attacks anyone first, and then shoot him?”

The first officer nodded. “Got it! If the monkey doesn’t attack anyone, then we shoot it!”

The second officer shook his head. “No, no, you got it all wrong! He ain’t a monkey! He’s a primeape!”

Mario tried to scoop Pauline up in his arms. “Stay back, Pauline! Let the professionals handle this!” 

But Pauline squirmed free of his arms, then slapped Mario sharply across his face. “Unhand me, you brute! I don’t need you to rescue me! I’m a proud feminist! Oh, Donkey Kong? Yoo hoo! You poor, misunderstood creature, you!”

Donkey Kong took a bite of fried banana, then let it flop to the ground as his mouth hung open at the sight of a beautiful woman prancing towards him. It was her! The pretty, pretty lady from the zoo! The one with boobies the size of coconuts, and a booty as firm as a pair of bongo drums! He just had to have her!

Pauline giggled as she felt the gorilla scoop her up with his mighty hands. “Oh my! You silly boy. You’re so playful. Now, let’s get you home safe and–”

Donkey Kong held Pauling over his head triumphantly with one hand, beating his chest with his other hand. “Ook eee, oop Kong! Ook oooh!” [Translation: “Pretty lady belongs to Donkey Kong! Now Donkey Kong marry pretty lady, and give her banana!”]

Pauline’s eyes went wide. Her woman's intuition told her that Donkey Kong had not just announced his intention to return peacefully to the zoo. “Uh oh.”

With a roar, Donkey Kong leapt into a fenced-off construction site and began to scale the exposed, red steel beams, the skeleton of one of Donald Trump’s ongoing building projects. The officers continued to argue about the intricacies of gorilla taxonomy and the N.Y.P.D.’s policies and standards for use of force.

“Mama mia!” cried Mario, leaping up and over the fence in a single bound.

Pauline beat uselessly at the gorilla's unbreakable fist. “Eek! Help me Mario! …I mean, don’t you dare help me, Mario! I have the situation under control. Donkey Kong, you need to be nice to me! I know there’s good in you!”

Donkey Kong bellowed “Oopy oomf ook oop ooch! Kong oonkey tum tum bum bum oof oopy noo boomf!”  [Translation: “Pretty wife talk too much! Donkey Kong will spank pretty wife’s butt, but good, if she don’t shut her trap!”]

Pauline nearly swooned, half from fear, half from the romance of it all. Her hat flew off her head, and her hair billowed in the wind. “See, Mario? I’m reasoning with him!”

“Woah, did you see that dude jump over that fence?” said an incredibly cool, 80s black guy.

“Totally tubular! That man can jump!” cheered his adorkable, asian, 80s punk-rock gal pal.

“Yeah! Jump, man, jump!” 

Before anyone knew it, the entire crowd began to chant: “Jump! Man! Jump! Man!”

A homeless street performer began playing a simple, 5-note melody on his bass guitar, in time to the cheering.

Oblivious to the fact that he was becoming an American folk hero at that very moment, Mario scaled the steel beams with his bare hands, waving a gloved fist. “Put down the lady, you big palooka!”

25 meters above the crowd, Donkey Kong swung onto a platform lined with wooden barrels of metal rivets, left behind by the Popeye House-Builder-Uppers Construction Team. Pauline breathed a sigh of relief as she was set down, then screamed in terror, and clung to a vertical steel beam. It wasn’t that she was scared of the gorilla. She’d simply remembered that she was afraid of heights.

Donkey Kong beat his chest, flashing his teeth defiantly at the short, fat man who dared to challenge the King of the Kongs.*

[*Note: “Please don’t sue us, Universal Studios.” –Shigeru Miyamto] 

With an evil grin, Donkey Kong scooped up two of the barrels and hurled them at Mario. The courageous carpenter dodged the first easily, but the second took him by surprise as it bounced and rolled toward him along the steel beam. Mario jumped over it, but it caught him by the boot. Losing his balance, Mario’s face slammed against metal, and he felt his body go weightless. His fingers grasped at air and caught the edge of the steel beam. Mario was an inch away from tumbling down to the concrete foundation, nearly seven stories below! 

“No! Hang in there, Jumpman!” wailed the onlookers now crowding around the construction site. Mario saw Donkey Kong aim a third barrel directly at his fingers. There was no time to think! An instant before the barrel smashed into a flurry of wood and metal debris, Mario let go and snatched his trusty hammer from his carpenter’s belt. Swinging wildly, the claw of the hammer caught the rung of a metal ladder, and Mario scrambled up it. At the top of the ladder, he found he had reached Donkey Kong’s level. 

Foaming at the mouth, the great ape snatched at the final barrel, and aimed it perfectly. It bounced once and rolled toward Mario on a direct collision course. Mario looked left and right. There was nowhere to jump! Then, the forthright cartwright spotted a sledge hammer hanging behind him. Wielding it with two hands, Mario slammed it on top of the deadly barrel. The rings burst and the rivets scattered like a storm of wasps. But Mario had survived.

Donkey Kong and Pauline were equally stunned. “...Nice!” whispered Pauline.

A gust of wind caught the hem of Pauline’s skirt, lifting it up to reveal her red panties, emblazoned with with the phrase “Daddy’s Little Girl” in white letters. Pauline squeaked and held down her skirt, suddenly conscious of how ridiculous she looked. Who, oh why, had she chosen the red miniskirt dress today? 

Not wanting to embarrass the poor girl further, Mario instinctively averted his gaze, just like his mama mia had taught him. Craftily, Donkey Kong seized his opportunity, and seized Pauline by the waist.

The ape spotted a crane lifting a steel beam in his peripheral vision and dove for it, holding Pauline by her booty above his head. “For shame! Don’t grab me there!” bawled Pauline.

To Pauline’s pleasant surprise, Donkey Kong set her down. Pauline raised a finger, planning to give the gorilla a proper telling off. “That’s more like it. Now, you listen here, buster! What you’re doing simply isn’t nice! You’re going to help me get down from here, right now, and we’re going straight back to–”

Then, Donkey Kong adjusted his grip, draping Pauline over his shoulder like a baby gorilla to free both his hands, and began to scale the steel cord. Realizing that she could slip off, Pauline clung to the gorilla’s hairy back for dear life. At the sight of the dizzying fall, every muscle in Pauline’s body went tight. It was at that precise moment that Pauline realized how very precious the gift of life was, and how very foolish she had been. “Daddy was right! I can’t change a bad guy into a good guy, just because I want him to be good! This is all my fault!” she thought, burying her head in shame. As her face pressed against the gorilla’s shoulder, Pauline nearly gagged at the scent of the stinking fur. At that moment, Pauline felt that whatever horrible fate befell her, she fully deserved it.

“Pauline! Hold on! I’m coming for ya!” boomed an angelic, Italian-American voice.

Craning her neck, Pauline spotted Mario, climbing up the same steel cable from below. “Mario? Help! Help! Oh, please, Mario, save me!”

Pauline stiffened as she saw the terrible ape grinning with wicked, intelligent delight, twisting the steel cable tight with both hands. “Mario! Watch out! The big lug is planning something!” 

Pauline’s cry alerted Mario. Looking up, Mario realized what Donkey Kong was attempting a second before it was too late. “No! Don’t do it! You’ll kill–” 

With one final lunge, Mario grasped at Donkey Kong’s foot, at the precise moment Donkey Kong snapped the steel cable in two with his bare hands. Unfortunately, Donkey Kong did not pay much attention to Newton’s Laws of Motion during physics class in Kong Kollege. When the steel cable disconnected from its load, the loose end sprang up with force like a whip, sending all three flying into the air. 

The steel beam spiraled to the ground below, landing on a wooden plank, which sprang up like a lever, sending a barrel of oil sailing into the sky. The arm of the crane cracked, then the whole vehicle went tumbling backwards. “Argh! Oh, my God!” roared the crane operator, a fat man with a bulbous pink nose, and a stupendous, kinky, black mustache. 

Kicking the door open, the fat man tumbled out and onto the concrete foundation. “Wah! That was too close! Okay, that’s it, I quit! I don’t get paid enough for–” The fat man froze as he heard three voices screaming in terror above him. One sounded oddly familiar. The fat man scratched his nose, then dug a booger out of his nostril. “Wuh? That bird sounded a bit like cousin Mario. Whatta’ jerk!”

Scratching his butt, Wario Mario scooped up his lunch box (spicy curry and garlic bread, his favorite!) and stomped away.

Outside, a radio announcer was speaking urgently into his microphone in a clipped, New England accent. “Who is this mysterious Jump Man? Is this the end of Daniella Pauline Verducci, New York’s most eligible heiress, and world-renowned feminist? Will that bull-headed brute, Donkey Kong, have his way with her? We can only hope that the daring Jump Man may yet rescue the poor damsel in distress! Stay tuned, loyal listeners, to our on-the-spot coverage of the Great Ape Escape! Ow! Watch where you’re going, lardo!”

Wario knocked the reporter over as he elbowed his way through the crowd. “Ay! You watch where you’re standin’, chowder-head, I’m walkin’ here!”

[End of Chapter 1]