Mario, Pauline, and Donkey Kong in: The Great Ape Escape! Chapter 3
75 meters above the now bustling crowd, Pauline risked opening her eyes, and wished she hadn’t. Donkey Kong carried her across a series of elevators, designed to carry construction workers up to the most recent floors, then hopped nimbly across a series of unfinished beams in disorganized rows. Donkey Kong set his wife down, trying to remember everything Granny Kong had told him about asking a girl out: “First, grab her and carry her back to your home!” He’d already nailed that part, but what was it Granny had said he was supposed to do with the girl once he got her home?
Of course! He remembered: “If she is good, be nice to her, and give her bananas. But if she is bad, spank her bottom until it is bright red. But only spank her when she really deserves it! Do that, and she’ll love you forever and ever!” Granny Kong was so wise!
But how good did his wife have to be to get a banana? And how bad did she have to be to get a spanking? Granny Kong had never told him!
Donkey Kong clutched his skull. On the one hand, Pauline had said she wanted to be his wife. On the other hand, she had also been bratty and yelled mean things at him! To spank, or not to spank? That was the question!
In the end, Donkey Kong decided that he’d have to give his disobedient wife her first spanking sooner or later, so he might as well start right now. Also, spanking her bouncy bottom would be barrels of fun!
Aware that she was in imminent danger, but oblivious that her butt, in particular, was in even greater danger, Pauline tried to creep away and hide behind the first thing she saw: a set of wooden spring boards. “Huh?” thought Pauline. “Why on earth does a construction crew have a bunch of spring boards this high up?”
That was a very astute question on Pauline’s part. Unfortunately, no one has yet learned the answer to this mystery. Perhaps the Popeye House-Builder-Uppers Construction crew liked to use them as trampolines while working, as a sort of middle finger to O.S.H.A. safety regulations.
Fortunately for Pauline, the sight of the wonderful springboards distracted Donkey Kong long enough for him to forget his plans to spank her.
“Ooooooo! Ooh-kay!” cood Donkey Kong with joy as he bounced experimentally on the wonderful jump-jump wood.
Then, as he reached the height of his bounce, Donkey Kong spotted Mario, riding the elevator up from below. At that moment, Donkey Kong’s head smacked into the ceiling, and after landing on his rump, he arose, hopping mad. The ape snatched up two of the spring boards, revealing the quivering, cowering frame of Pauline. Donkey Kong knew the bad man was hunting not only him, but also his poor, defenseless new wife!
Pauline realized the danger Mario was in, and fought her urge to freeze. “Mario! He’s armed with springboards!”
At the sound of the warning, Mario dove off the elevator an instant before a springboard smashed through the floor he was standing on, tangling the belt of the elevator and jamming it. Springs snapped, gears sprung. Mario’s fingers missed the edge of the nearest steel beam and he fell.
Tears sprang to Pauline’s eyes! “No! Don't die, Mario!”
Mario held Pauline’s parasol over his head and pressed the button on the handle. With a “Fwoof!” it opened, slowing his fall just enough to save him from breaking both his legs. Bellowing with rage, Donkey Kong hurled more springboards at his hated enemy.
“Krooloo, book-ook! Kong groo nu nu nookoo!” [Translation: “Curse you, bad man! Donkey Kong only wishes to be left alone!”]
Mario shielded his face and spun to avoid the first missile, but the second tore through his parasol, leaving only a broken handle. With a shrug, Mario threw it away and scaled the final ladder. Pauline cheered and ran to meet Mario.
Donkey Kong’s rage cooled, and he remembered the fear of being hunted. He had fought the bad men before, and they had put him to sleep with their magic boom boom sticks. His silly wife had no idea what danger she was in!
Pauline felt two hands clutch at her waist, and saw her feet kicking uselessly beneath her. As Donkey Kong began to scale the nearest ladder with his new wife in tow, one of her high heels went flying off her foot to the street below. “Mario! Please don’t fight this monster! I’m not worth dying for!”
“No! Your life matters! And I ain’t dying! I’m getting you home safe, and that’s that!” roared Mario, as he reached the base of their ladder.
But before Mario could catch up to them, Donkey Kong used the opposable-thumb-like toes of his feet to snap the ladder in two below him. Mario tottered, walking on the ladder like two stilts, before losing his balance. He went over the side, and with a “clack,” the remains of the wooden ladder followed him.
As she saw Mario swept away from her sight, Pauline’s mind reeled. She wanted to live. She wanted to die of embarrassment. She wanted to thank Mario, and help him anyway she could. She wanted to apologize to him. She wanted to slap him for being so stubborn and risking his life to save an idiot like her. She wanted to order him to leave her behind and save himself. She wanted to be strong and independent, and save herself. She wanted Mario to save her, then spank her until she cried like the spoiled, rotten brat she was. She wanted Mario to bring her home safe and sound to Mommy and Daddy, and then she wanted Mommy and Daddy to spank her all over again, for daring to risk her one and only life. And as she saw the crowded people swarming at the base of the tower, like itsy-bitty teeny-tiny ants, Pauline wanted to throw up.
…
100 meters in the air, a blimp circled the rickety, unfinished peak of the future Trump Tower. Ken the Reporter, Diamond City’s finest canine anchorman, spoke soberly into his microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, today, we bring you live footage of the sensational story that has gripped not only New York, but the entire nation. Daniella Pauline Verducci, one of New York’s most fashionable, most eligible bachelorettes, and long-time advocate for the rights and dignity of men, women, and animals, remains trapped in the hairy clutches of Donkey Kong, New York’s favorite gorilla. Only last week, this station reported how Ms. Verducci used the occasion of the opening ceremony at the Bronx Children’s Zoo to vocally protest the manner in which this magnificent creature was brought to New York, arguing that removing the great ape from its natural habitat was both destructive and cruel. Play the tape, Papa T.”
Papa T. snoozed at his audio mixing station, his magnificent yellow afro and headphones muffling all sound.
Ken barked, furious that the viewers at home might think he looked ridiculous. The news business was a dog-eat-dog world, and being a literal dog news reporter was tough enough as it was. “Papa T! We’re live!”
Papa T. started awake, and immediately intuited the correct button to press. Interview footage played on one of his monitors, and for the Diamond City News audience watching the broadcast from home. “So, Pauline, what you’re saying is: you hate all zoos. And since children love going to the zoo, that means you also hate all children?” asked the journalist, in a fair and balanced tone of voice.
Pauline shook her head. “Not at all. Many zoos do important work in both research and conservation. But the City of New York purchased Donkey Kong from a network of illegal poachers. He was not born in captivity. Donkey Kong should be returned to his native habitat, along with his family.”
The journalist hummed, with an air of understanding. “I see…so what you’re saying is: you hate all zoos, and hate all children?”
…
Fighting for breath, Pauline felt her vision clear, and she couldn’t help but admire the genius of the tower’s design, even though it was incomplete. The blue steel shimmered in sharp contrast to the red and gold tinted steel of the lower floors. Ladders connected six levels of the tower’s peak, and sturdy rivets held an ornate circular design in place at the center of the tower, across all 6 floors. When it was finished, Trump Tower would have a magnificent, giant skyroof, in a throwback to the Art Deco architectural style.
Donkey Kong set Pauline down on the ground, bonking her bouncy bottom against the blue steel with a soft bump. When Pauline saw Donkey Kong pointing at something, her eye fell on a rickety wooden platform before her. Of course, the planks had been left behind by the construction team as a quick way of accessing different parts of the intricate tower, completely unsecured. The “great big sky roof” design concept for the tower meant that falling here meant falling 100 meters straight to the concrete below, uninterrupted. She’d have time to finish an entire prayer for forgiveness before she went splat. Swooning, Pauline felt the world go black as she slipped into blissful unconsciousness…
Pauline awoke with a yelp as she felt Donkey Kong pinch her backside, sharply. This time, the gorilla pointed more urgently, waving his arms imploringly. “Gookee! Gigga oogoo, choop-choop!” [Translation: “Hurry! Get to safety, and be quick about it!”]
Something about the way Donkey Kong waved his arms reminded Pauline of playing charades. Then she remembered the Jane Goodall documentary about gorillas learning sign language. “Can you…understand me? You want me to cross the bridge?”
Unmistakably, Donkey Kong nodded.
Pauline was such an animal lover, not even the threat of death diminished the joy she felt at this discovery. She had been right all along! Donkey Kong was an intelligent ape. Maybe he could be reasoned with.
As Pauline considered the implications of how she was to go down in history as the first woman to successfully hold a conversation with a gorilla, she failed to pay attention to what Donkey Kong was trying to communicate to her.
The leader of the Kongs began to explain to Pauline why it was important for every good Kong-husband to protect his Kong-wife from bad hunters, even if his Kong-wife was a bit stupid and definitely needed a good spanking later, but that right now she needed to move her butt. Unfortunately, Pauline was never very good at charades.
She knew there was no way she was going across that plank. The time had come to stand up for herself. To prove to this beast, and to prove to herself, that she was not merely a weak, helpless woman! “No! Absolutely not!”
Donkey Kong furrowed his brow. Holding up his fist, he slapped it thrice, firmly, then pointed at Pauline, then pointed across the bridge.
“Now listen here, you male chauvenist pig-gorilla! I’m Pauline Verducci. My daddy taught me to never give in to bullies like you! I’m not your property, I’m not your slave, I’m a free, independent woman! So, I don’t have to do anything you tell me to do!”
Pauline put her hands on her hips, relishing in the moment. “Yeah! I am woman! Hear me roar!” she thought.
Then she noticed the stone-cold look on Donkey Kong’s face. “Uh, look, I probably shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m sure you’ve been through–”
As Donkey Kong seated himself, grasped her by the waist and easily scooped her up, Pauline started found herself yammering, “–been through a lot lately, and I really shouldn’t be making things–”
Donkey Kong bent Pauline over his lap, and tugged curiously at her red skirt, not sure if it was a strange sort of tail.
“–worse! Making things much worse by taking my anger out on you. Maybe we can discuss this like rational–”
Deciding that it was not a tail, but only a red piece of cloth like his favorite necktie, Donkey Kong tore Pauline’s skirt clean off with one sharp tug, then flicked away the torn remnants. Pauline eyed it fluttering away like a bird, taking her dignity with it. “–adults! Rational adults who are both old enough–”
Paulie glimpsed Donkey Kong raising his mighty left paw high above her bottom, and shut her eyes. The first spank landed with an echoing thunderclap across Pauline’s “Daddy’s Little Girl” panties. “Ow! Old enough to talk about our problems, using reason, rather than using spank–”
Donkey Kong aimed the second spank at Pauline’s right butt cheek, but his palm was so large, it covered most of her left cheek anyway. “–spankings, which are violent and cruel and–”
The third spank was aimed at her left butt cheek, but again managed to cover most of her right cheek anyway.
Pauline was shocked by the size of the Gorilla’s heavy hand. Donkey Kong, for his part, was impressed by the size of his new wife’s big, beautiful bottom. He would have to work hard to spank it to the proper color: “Don’t stop until it’s as red as a baboon’s backside!” Granny Kong had counseled him.
Pauline bit her lip, and struggled to complete her appeal to Donkey Kong’s limited sense of reason and mercy. “–completely unnecessary! Given that we are both creatures capable of reason, that means we’re both old enough to use our words, and too old–”
The third spank landed at the center of her bottom again, the gorilla’s five splayed fingers leaving five red marks as thick as her waist. Pauline’s voice started to crack as she hollered, “–Too old! Too old for spanking! So please, there’s no need for–”
The fourth spank landed on Pauline’s left cheek again. “–A spanking! So, puh-please–” but before she could form the conclusion of her argument, Donkey Kong landed the fifth spank more quickly on her right cheek, remembering his favorite jungle rhythms.
“No spankings! Please no spank–”
The sixth and seventh spank announced the start of the new, furious drum-beat rhythm. Pauline’s cries of Please’s and No’s quickly gave way to howls of pain. Pauline hated spankings, even run-of-the-mill spankings from her Mommy and Daddy, when they grew tired of spoiling her rotten. But, as Pauline was learning to her dismay, a traditional spanking for a naughty, stupid, disobedient Kong-wife was far, far worse.
…
From his dirigible, Ken the Reporter fussed over the cameraman’s shoulder, wanting everything to be perfect. “As you can see, Donkey Kong has scaled to the peak of Trump Tower! (Jimmy T! They’re out of focus! Get ‘em in frame!) It seems that Donkey Kong and Miss Verducci are having some sort of altercation. My God! She’s actually communicating with the beast, and now he’s–”
Jimmy T. the cameraman corrected the focus and zoomed in tight, just in time to catch the action as Donkey Kong bent Pauline over his lap and pulled at her skirt.
“Oh! The humanity!” wailed Ken the Reporter as he witnessed Donkey Kong tear away Pauline’s skirt and begin her spanking. “What a horrifying development! As you can see, Donkey Kong is now spanking Ms. Verducci furiously. I know many have said she’s needed one for a good while, but now that I see it, I can’t bear to watch! It’s too cruel! Too barbarous! (Jimmy, make sure you get every second of this!) Oh, how could poor Pauline’s predicament possibly get any more precarious? What painstaking, paddling punishment could be in store for her perfect, plump, perky, pretty lil’ patootie? What could the duplicitous, devious Donkey Kong have in store for her that’s worse than this? If you want to find out, don’t touch that dial, folks. We’ll be right back, after these messages from our sponsors!”
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