Bowser's Princess Lessons: Chapter 1: In Which a Princess Gets Kidnapped
Bowser’s Princess Lessons Chapter 1: In Which a Princess Gets Kidnapped By Yu May
As the explosion shattered the wall of King Toadstool’s palace, sending a marble pillar tumbling to the ground, Princess Peach could only sigh. Yes, it was going to be one of those days.
Her beloved father, King Toadstool, had finally decided to abdicate the throne to enjoy a quiet retirement playing golf and tennis. By the laws of the Mushroom Kingdom, a Toad Council of Elders would be appointed to safeguard the throne until Princess Peach reached the age of majority, and finally take the title of Queen Toadstool.
At the moment, King Toadstool was quietly snoozing, a few inches from the shadow of the collapsing pillar that would have crushed him, had Mario not kicked his chair out of the way. As Mario scooped up Princess Peach and dove to safety, the pillar smashed across the dining room table, flattening his homemade cake into a pancake.
King Toadstool started awake for a moment. He scanned the room and spotted the magnificent, ancient crown resting on a pedestal at the center of the dining room in front of him. Satisfied that everything was perfectly in order, the king smacked his lips before dozing off again. “That’s nice, dear…He seems like an upstanding young man…And once you’re old enough, you’ll inherit the crown…”
The champions of the realm, Sir Mario and Sir Luigi of the strange, distant land of Brooklyn, New York, had heroically volunteered to seek out the lost relic for the occasion. It was rumored to have been worn by the first Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom, before being hidden away in the pyramids of Dry Dry Desert. Not wanting to let the boys have all the fun, Princesses Peach and Daisy had eluded their chauffeur, old Toadsworth, and tagged along for the adventure. Their first double date!
The quest to find the Crown of Queen Toadstool had been fraught with romance and danger, but that’s another story for another day. Suffice to say they successfully found the crown and brought it home triumphally! Sure, Peach and Daisy had both gotten spanked as a reward for leaving their chaperone behind, but even that had been a sort of bonding experience for the two spirited Princesses.
The banquet had been prepared, and Peach and Daisy had both baked the cakes themselves as tokens of gratitude to the Mario Brothers. With a little coaching from Peach, Daisy had finally figured out how to bake a cake that was sweet rather than salty.
They had just sat down (rather gingerly, on silk cushions, in the two Princesses’ cases) to enjoy the celebration. That was precisely the moment Bowser, King of the Koopas, chose to launch a full scale attack on the palace.
It had been a whole two weeks since Bowser’s last kidnapping attempt.
Peach should have known it was all too good to be true. Apart from the fact that Daisy’s attempt at decorating her cake with a letter “L” in green frosting was rather improved after being squashed flat by the crumbling pillar, this dinner was a complete disaster!
From behind the cloud of the crumbled debris, an army of Koopas and Goombas leapt into the fray, squaring off against the valiant but overmatched Royal Toad Guards. Peach heard Bowser’s laugh before she saw him, along with a strange puttering sound.
Bowser arose, riding his flying clown car, laughing maniacally. Then, he choked on the dust and smoke in the air. “Bwa ha ha! Hack!! …My lungs?!? Gack!”
Kammy Koopa, a geriatric witch and Bowser’s most loyal advisor, flew to his side astride her broomstick. “My Lord! Remember your asthma!”
Bowser slapped his chest, gasping for air. “This is worse than when I had to smoke six cartons of Marioro’s to film that anti-smoking P.S.A.! Ahem, where was I? Oh, yes! Bwahahaha! Cower before me, mushy mushroom weaklings! K-Man Koopa is in the House! Now, where is my beautiful, boopy-boppy beaucoup bunny buttercup? Aha! There you are!”
As Bowser caught sight of the tell-tale silhouette of the crown and gown of a Princess behind the fog of war, he darted towards his target.
Realizing her King had abandoned her, Kammy’s glasses almost fell off her beak in shock. “But, your terribleness! What about the–”
As Bowser reached out and grasped the Princess, he made a fishy-face as he lunged forward to steal a kiss. “My sweetie queen! Come give your favorite bad boy some sugar!”
Two gloved fists slammed into Bowser’s face in a quick jab, cross, hook boxing maneuver. “Ugh! You’re even uglier than that creep Tatanga!” snapped Princess Daisy, hopping back from his grasp into a mixed-martial arts fighting stance.
Bowser shook his head, before recognizing his mistake and backing away. “Oh, shell! You’re not my Peaches! You’re that hot head from Sarasaland. Bah! I don’t want you! I’m a tyrant with taste!”
Daisy’s face flushed to a furious red. She dove after the clown car to drag the enemy down, pulling it slightly off balance. “What’s that supposed to mean? Am I not good enough for you?”
Ignoring Daisy’s furious retorts, Bowser craftily piloted his clown car in a spiral to throw Daisy off his tail, then hovered out of reach to survey the battle.
Cowering under the table, Luigi heard a familiar screech. He emerged from behind the tablecloth just as Daisy lost her grip on the Clown Car above them, hurtling to the hard marble stone floor below. Without thinking, Luigi stumbled forward and caught her, breaking her fall. The force of the impact knocked Luigi flat on his back, his head cracking against the wooden table behind him on the way down.
Daisy winced and rubbed her tailbone before spotting her rescuer. “Oh, Luigi, you saved me! You’re a man among men!”
Overcome with joy, Daisy ran her fingers through Luigi’s hair, sending his hat flying as she kissed him full on the lips. As she finished the kiss, Luigi’s head fell back limply, his eyes dazed, a goofy smile on his face. “Luigi? Speak to me!” Daisy pressed her ear to his chest, realized he wasn’t breathing, and immediately began performing CPR.
…
Luigi was floating in an ocean of blackness. Then, a shining light appeared above him. He started to swim towards it.
A beautiful voice echoed from the light. “Luigi? Can you hear my voice?”
Luigi’s mustache trembled, his eyes watered as he looked up in awe. “Who’s there?”
A glittering hand emerged from the light, as though beckoning him, “It’s me, Weegee.”
Luigi reached out for the delicate fingers. “Are you…an angel?”
The angelic hand slapped him sharply across the face. “Wake up, Luigi!”
Luigi snapped awake. He had a fleeting sense that he was drowning, before a blast of sweet air filled his lungs. Daisy pulled away from him, her eyes shut tight and brimming tears. “Don’t you dare die on me, Luigi! I never…I never got to say–”
“D-daisy?” Luigi stuttered.
Daisy’s eyes popped open. “Luigi? How dare you scare me like that!” Daisy kissed him so forcefully, Luigi flailed his arms, desperate for air again.
As she finished the smooch with a pop, Daisy ruffled Luigi’s hair gently. “You’ll never guess what happened! You just saved my life! Oh, you’re my hero!”
Luigi had a sneaking suspicion they had forgotten something important, but before he could interject, Daisy kissed him again. As the battle raged around them, Luigi decided that whatever it was he was trying to remember, it could probably wait.
…
Kammy Koopa desperately flew after her master, pleading with him to listen. But either Bowser couldn’t hear her nagging voice above the din of the battle below, or he didn’t care. Unable to locate Princess Peach in the chaos, Bowser spotted an equally tempting target and zoomed towards it, leaving Kammy choking on his exhaust. “Mario! You poser! Quit muscling in on my turf! Why can’t you ever catch a hint?”
As the last of the Royal Toad Guards was knocked out, Mario held off a troop of Koopas on his own, kicking one into a line of Goombas to create a path of escape for a group of widows and orphans. At the sound of Bowser’s voice, Mario met his enemy’s eyes with a silent stare, his face set.
Bowser hesitated. “Ooh! Still doing the strong, silent type schtick? That’s passé! These days, chicks dig a guy who’s emotionally vulnerable and open…I think that’s what my date coach said before I had him thrown in the dungeon, anyway...Woah-ho?”
Ignoring Bowser’s bloviations, Mario jumped onto the smashed remains of the dining room table to gain height, then made a leap at Bowser’s clown car. But the red-blooded, red-hatted Italian stallion fell short by an inch, his fingers sliding against the smooth surface of the flying machine. Mario tucked and rolled to break his fall, then ran a wide circle through the melee, downing Bowser’s soldiers as he sought another way to gain height.
Bowser shook his fist as he spun in midair. “You mustachioed mook! You’re gonna’ scuff the paint job!”
Old Kammy Koopa finally caught her breath, and managed to wheeze out, almost piteously, “Your horribleness! The Crown! Remember? The Crown!” She pointed weakly to the Crown of Queen Toadstool, still resting untouched in the middle of the war-torn remains of the dining room.
Unfortunately, Bowser caught sight of another crown, resting on the head of another princess, wearing a telltale, pink ballroom gown. There could be no mistake this time! Bowser nearly fell out of his clown car as he dove forward and grasped Peach under the shoulders to lift her up.
“My peechee-weechee!” As Bowser felt two gloved fists slam into his face in a familiar 1-2-3 combo, he dropped Princess Peach, feeling ringing in his ears along with a strange sense of deja vu. “Ow! Where did you learn to do that?”
Peach stepped lightly back from her unwanted suitor, before dashing to a decorative suit of armor to pull a sword from its sheath. “Daisy’s been encouraging me to take up boxing. Though to be honest, I much prefer fencing.”
Bowser shrugged. “Oh, come on, Peachy-keen, we both know how this works. I’m basically invincible, even without a power up. So you play hard-to-get, but we both know that eventually–”
Swallowing a red mushroom from the dinner table, Mario leapt into the air, knocking Kammy Koopa off her broomstick as she tried to intercept him. Bowser was finally in reach! The mushroom’s power activated, doubling Mario’s height and muscle mass, just as his boot landed on Bowser’s skull.
Bowser’s nose slammed against the edge of his car, leaving him with a bloody nose. “Argh! No fair! You guys always gang up on me!” whined Bowser, as his overwhelming army of loyal minions ganged up on his enemies.
Smoke flared from Bowser’s nostrils. “It’s not fair! Why don’t I have someone by my side to help me out of a jam? Someone I can rely on?”
Kammy Koopa’s arthritic bones trembled as she picked herself back up from the floor. “Lord Bowser! The plan! You must seize the Crown of Queen Toadstool in order to–”
With a roar, Bowser turned on his wise counselor and blasted her with his fiery breath. “Silence, crone! Can’t you see I’m expressing my deeply felt needs and my own personal truth here?”
Kammy swayed back and forth dangerously, before coughing up a puff of smoke. “Yes, m’lord!”
As the wizened witch slumped forward and collapsed, Bowser caught sight of the ancient crown in the midst of the sound and fury of battle. “Ah! The Crown of Queen Toadstool! Kammy, you dotard of a do-do, how could you forget?”
Peach lunged for Bowser, only for him to twist away, the blade glancing off his shell. “Mario? Stop him! He’s up to something!”
Still feeling the strength of the mushroom’s power, Mario grasped Bowser’s vehicle in both hands, and to Bowser’s annoyance, Mario was strong enough to keep him from flying off.
With a sly grin, Bowser pressed a red button labeled “Do Not Press.” (Beneath the label, a hand-written sticky note added: “That means you, Junior! Love, Daddy.”) An ejector seat launched him into the air. Without Bowser’s weight, the clown car jerked forward, taking Mario by surprise and knocking him off balance.
Bowser’s trajectory sent him crashing into the pedestal displaying the ancient crown, but he arose unscathed, holding the prize in his claws. “Fools! I don’t need to marry Princess Peach to seize control of the Mushroom Kingdom anymore. You see, I’m something of a geek about the ancient lore of Mushroom Kingdom, just a hobby, you understand. And, wouldn’t you know it, the first Queen Toadstool was a powerful enchantress? And all of her magic was stored in her Crown. That’s why it was hidden away! For as it is written, he who wears the Crown, will gain the power of Queen Toadstool, and, by right of conquest, the entire Mushroom Kingdom!”
As the Crown began to glow with magical light, Bowser held it aloft above his head. In horror, Mario and Peach both made a mad dash towards him, only to trip over something: Luigi and Daisy, still in one another’s tender embrace.
Covered in lipstick kisses, Luigi snapped his head up, taking in the scene around him. “Oh! I knew we forgot something important!”
Bowser guffawed, as he slammed the crown down over his skull with force. “Oh, don’t worry Peach-fuzz, I’ll still have you once I’m your rightful King!”
A radiant light erupted from the crown, engulfing Bowser in pink flames that shot upwards to the sky, ripping a hole through the stone ceiling. Everyone, friend and enemy alike, shielded their eyes in terror, as Bowser’s deep, booming, hideous laughter rose over the rushing whirlwind.
Then, as the flames dissipated, Bowser’s voice cracked. “Bloody asthma!” He laughed again, but this time, it was different. Bowser’s laugh was high-pitched, almost musical. “Bow before me! I am Bowser, Queen of the Koopas! …Kaff! Um? Pardon me, I meant King, of course! I am Bowser, Queen of Mushroom Kingdom!”
As he tried to introduce himself as “King of Mushroom Kingdom,” only to instead hear the word “Queen,” Bowser felt his throat, then looked down to examine himself. He was dressed in an elegant, black ball gown, and his hands had too many fingers.
No one spoke. Before them was a beautiful woman, whose face and blond hair gave her a striking family resemblance to Princess Peach. But her eyebrows were thick, her teeth and nails dangerously sharp, and she had a turtle shell and tail.
Peach lifted her sword, gritting her teeth. “Bowser? What’s your idiotic scheme this time? What’s the point of that silly disguise if you’re going to announce yourself?”
Daisy struggled to disentangle herself from the dog pile, blushing as she realized she and Luigi had been distracted from the brawl. “What disguise? Woah! Who’s she? Do we need to kick her butt?”
Peach gestured her sword, annoyed. “Daisy, that’s just Bowser! Don’t be fooled! He must have gotten Kammy to put an illusion on him or something!”
Daisy pointed desperately. “Peach! Watch out!”
Seeing an opportunity, Bowser dove for Peach’s sword arm and wrested the hilt from her grasp, then grasped Peach around the waist, planning to pick her up like he always did. Mario leapt up to intervene, but before he could…
“Hiyah!” Peach used a judo throw to toss her assailant to the ground, with such ease, it surprised even her.
As Bowser lay on the ground gasping, Daisy pumped a fist. “Atta’girl, Peach! A perfect ippon seoi nage! Just make sure you pay more attention to your surroundings next time. You totally let him sneak up on you!”
Peach’s crown bobbled dangerously, as Daisy slapped her across the back firmly. Annoyed, Peach was about to chew Daisy out, but at the sight of Daisy exuberantly holding out her fist, Peach finally cracked a smile and daintily shook Daisy’s fist in her hand.
Daisy snorted. “Okay, Peach, next training session, we teach you the art of the fist bump!”
Mario scratched his head, and now that the battle was over, finally broke his stony silence. “But…how did you do that, Princess? Bowser weighs over a ton. An illusion shouldn’t change that!”
They all turned to look as Kammy Koopa lifted her head from the floor to wheeze. “Oh no…The Crown’s magic. The ancient scrolls said that it contained all the power of the first Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom.”
Groaning, Bowser lifted his head from the ground. “Yeah! He who wears the crown shall become King of the Mushroom Kingdom! That’s how you translated it!”
Kammy Koopa gulped. “Well, King…uh, Koopa, The ancient language mentioned a ‘Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom.’ I assumed from the context that the magic conferred the right to the throne upon the wearer… But now I’m wondering if…”
Bowser looked down, finally registering his magnificent breasts for the first time. Strange. All this time, he’d wanted to touch boobs, and now here they were, and they were horrible! “You turned me into a woman? Change me back, right now, Kammy!” Steam billowing from his nostrils, Bowser crawled toward Kammy Koopa on all fours and shook her, his hair blazing from blond to vivid red, and his pale skin darkening to a golden brown similar to his old scales.
Kammy’s head rattled like a cowbell. “But, my lady…uh, your ferociousness! I don’t possess such magic! The Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom was the greatest enchantress of the millennium.”
Seething, Bowser dropped Kammy and yanked at the crown on his head, only to find it stuck tight. Pulling until veins appeared on his arm muscles, Bowser yanked the crown off his skull. With a soft, “Pop!” Bowser expanded into his original, macho, turtleish self. “Ha! That was easy! The King is back, baby! Now, forget this stupid thing, I know what I really want!”
Tossing the crown aside in disgust, Bowser trundled towards Princess Peach, knocking Mario to the floor with a single flick of his finger. Grasping Peach around her trim, dainty waist, Bowser ignored her adorable little screams and lifted her up like a toy. As he turned to retreat, he found himself face-to-face with Mario, who had scrambled back to his feet ready for a scrap. Finally, things were getting back to basics. Bowser knew this was what he was good at. He never should have listened to Kammy’s conspiracy theories about that stupid–
Behind Mario, Bowser saw the crown float into the air, and shoot towards his face like a bullet. Just as Mario’s fist sunk into Bowser’s gut, the crown flew back into place on Bowser’s head, and with a poof, Bowser turned into a woman again. For the first time in his life, Bowser felt how hard Mario could really punch.
“Mario!” squealed Luigi as he rushed to Daisy’s side. “You hit a woman! What would Mama say?”
Mario paled as he watched Bowser writhe on the ground at his feet. Instinctively, his blue collar Italian family-values instincts kicked in. “Mamamia! I’m so sorry, ma’am! I didn’t mean to…Wait! That’s Bowser, Luigi! That’s not a woman…I think.”
Bowser rolled on the ground a couple times, rasping. “Kammy! Fix this!”
By this point, Kammy had crawled back to her broom, hoping to make a tactical retreat unnoticed. “Oh! Yes, my Lord! It seems that the Crown has some unexpected properties. It was supposed to act as a sort of magical, legally binding contract. I’ll just…hop back home to my library and see what my research can turn up. Princess Peach, I hope you won’t mind hosting our beloved King here, for a day or two. I’ll be back to pick you up just as soon as I’ve found something! Toodle-loo!” Kicking her broom until it sputtered into gear like a motorcycle, Kammy zipped into the sky and out the giant hole left in the wall.
Bowser’s eyes snapped open. “Magic? Of course! I have all of Queen Toadstool’s magic! Gwahaha-har! Feel my wrath! Hocus Pocus! Abra, Kadabra, Alakazam!”
Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Daisy all leapt into battle stances. Sparks flew from Bowser’s fingertips as he made a speed run through the list of every magic phrase he knew, desperate to activate the power of Queen Toadstool.
“Open Sesame! Wingardium Leviosa! Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Da! Bippity Boppity–”
BOOM!
With a blast like a rocket, flames leapt from Bowser’s palms, sending him shooting backwards and straight to the stone floor with a crunch.
Mario took a careful step forward to examine his old foe, who was out cold, his eyes spiraling. Mario picked Bowser up in his arms as easily as he’d ever scooped up Peach. “I suppose we should put him…her? …Under arrest?”
Peach flashed a delightful smile, stepping forward gracefully, with royal poise. “Please, Mario, allow me! Oh, Bowser?”
As Peach softly took Bowser’s hand in hers, the former King (now Queen) of the Koopas shook his head to clear his vision, and answered only with an exhausted grunt. “Wuh?”
To everyone’s surprise, Peach rolled back her head and laughed a deep guffaw. “Mwa ha ha! Oh, Bowser, darling? Prepare to be kidnapped by me, the evil Peach, Princess Toadstool of Mushroom Kingdom!”
Bowser smiled stupidly, before falling into a stupor. “Peaches! You’re kidnapping me? That’s diabolical! I’m so…proud!”
Peach bent down to plant a kiss on Mario’s nose. “Thank you for humoring me, Mario, dear. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that!”
[End of Chapter I]
Chapter 2:
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