Bowsette’s Princess Lessons: Chapter IX: The Cloud Superhighway

 Bowser’s Princess Lessons:

Chapter IX: The Cloud Superhighway

By Yu May

Alerted by Peach’s cry, Spike the Latiku dove like a hawk to catch Mario, his emergency sunglasses flying off his head into nothingness.

As the magical vine ripped in two, Captain Toad launched himself up to snatch at the frayed end above him with his left hand. The vine went taut with a snap, and he felt the combined weight of Princess Daisy, Gonzales Jr., Koops, Koopie-Koo, and Princess Peach, along with the five-foot cubic block of solid brick that represented the base of the magic vine, all straining against his right arm. Captain Toad was known to have a rich, deep voice, by Toad standards. But as he felt the weight, he screamed until his voice cracked and went high. “Aowwaaaaarrhgh!”

Daisy noticed his distress, and did the only thing she could think of: scale the vine to take some of the extra weight off the struggling soldier. “Hurry! Up the vine! A.S.A.P.!” barked Daisy.

Koops swallowed, holding onto his beloved fiance with one arm, and onto the teeny-tiny baby Yoshi with his other arm. “Gonzales Jr., can you make it?”

Gonzales Jr. took sharp breaths as he pulled one tiny arm over the other, still carrying the weight of two full-grown Koopas on his back. “I fear nothing, brother! No pain, no gain!”

As the vine began to untwist, spinning them all in the opposite direction, Peach was forced to cling for dear life, tears forming in her eyes as she shut them tight. She couldn’t bear to watch Mario falling to his doom.

“I…gott‘im!” wheezed Spike the Lakitu, his eyes bulging as he lifted Mario vertically, at a break-neck pace of just under 1 mile per hour.

“I’m fine, Princess! Please…just climb!” roared Mario.

Her head swimming, her arms shaking, Peach began to scale the vine. Above her, she could see Daisy lifting Gonzales Jr. up and onto the safety of the shortcut in the clouds, and Captain Toad, dead to the world, except for his death grip on both ends of the broken vine.

“Don’t give up, Captain,” sobbed Peach as she climbed past her loyal Captain of the Guard. 

Peach felt Daisy yanking her roughly up and onto the ledge. “You’re clear, Captain! Grab my–”

The magical cloud they stood on broke free of the pathway. Everyone, including the cloud itself, had a dumb-struck expression frozen on their face.

Daisy and Peach stumbled back reflexively, and would have tumbled into nothingness along with Captain Toad, had Gonzales Jr. not reacted so quickly. Launching himself into danger, the baby Yoshi seized each Princesses by the collars of their shirts, one in each hand. Not only do all Yoshis have incredible stamina, they also have the ability to defy gravity by running furiously in mid air, for a few precious seconds. Even as a baby Yoshi, Gonzales Jr. possessed these remarkable gifts. But carrying two fully grown princesses, along with two fully grown Koopas, pushed the little guy to his absolute limit. “Hut! Hoooooooo!” he roared, his eyes bulging as he pedaled his feet to overcome the forces of nature itself, and pull everyone to the safety of the next cloud.

As Captain Toad fell, his eyes fluttered open. Had he fainted? Was he dead? In his hand, he saw he still held the frayed end of the vine. Just as Princess Peach had asked of him, he had not let go. Closing his eyes, Captain Toad let his body relax, as if he was floating on a river. He had obeyed his final order. He would die with his honor intact.

This incredibly poignant, and not-at-all-chessy, dramatic death scene was interrupted when Princess Peach fumbled for a red mushroom in her fanny pack and chucked it like a fastball pitch. “Captain Toad! Eat…the…mushroom!” roared Princess Peach, with queenly authority.

As the mushroom smacked against his face, Captain Toad awoke from his heroic final thoughts. He glimpsed a tiny building far below him, and as it grew rapidly to fill his entire field of vision, he scarfed down the mushroom in one bite.

…

Professor Toadsky wrote in chalk on his blackboard, as he lectured to his Philosophy 101 class. “According to the philosopher Jean-Jaques Rousseau, ‘Whence do I get my rules of conduct? I find them in my heart. Whatever I feel to be good, is good. Whatever I feel to be evil, is evil.’”

A Mushroom Kingdom University student raised her hand, nervously. “But, Professor Toadsky, wouldn’t that idea, if applied consistently, reduce all moral law to mere subjective experience?”

Professor Toadsky puffed his magnificent toothbrush mustache as he leaned against his prized mahogany desk. “Ah, such a simple question! Of course, Rousseau did not believe in moral relativism. Rather, he understood that all people are naturally good, and are only corrupted by the evils of society and its laws, in contrast to Thomas Hobbes, who viewed man’s nature as selfish and depraved: ‘a war of everyone against everyone.’”

“So, basically, it’s a question of whether people are basically good, or whether people are basically bad?”

“That’s rather reductive, but sure, let’s simplify it for the sake of argument. Do you really suppose that Thomas Hobbes is correct, that man, in his natural state, is universally corrupt?”

“Well, no.” 

Professor Toadsky waved his hands dramatically. “See! Then that means that people are all basically good! Now, if you don’t mind–”

Unperturbed, the student continued hopping up and down in her seat with her hand aloft, but didn’t bother to wait to be called on, “But wouldn’t that be a false dichotomy? Just because I don't think all people are universally corrupt, that doesn’t mean I have to think all people are universally good either.”

Professor Toadsky gestured to his name on the blackboard. “Who’s teaching this class?”

The student wilted, looking abashed. “Um…you are, Professor?”

“Exactly. I’m trying to teach you kids how to think for yourselves! To question authority! And it’s impossible to do that when you’re interrupting my brilliant discourse. Philosophy is all about engaging with ideas, in their pure, abstract form. We really don’t need to be worried about the outside world, nor their petty, plebeian concerns here. This is a safe space, where we’re free to question our assumptions about culturally-constructed concepts such as the supposed ‘battle between good and evil,’ without fear of judgment. So, kindly shut your trap, and let me–”

Captain Toad crashed through the ceiling from above, leaving behind a perfect mushroom-shaped silhouette, then through the floor below, sending a wide eyed Professor Toadsky tumbling down, along with his prized mahogany desk. The Philosophy professor’s piece of chalk flew into the air, then plummeted after them. 

*SLAMMO!* 

“...Ow.” Captain Toad felt the power of the red mushroom draining from his body, then lifted himself out of the crater he had left in the concrete foundation of Mushroom Kingdom University's Fungal Social Studies building.

A tornado-warning alarm blared through the university, and an old, mustachioed security guard directed a crowd of confused students. “This is not a fire drill! Find the nearest tornado shelter area and bunker down!”

Recognizing the security guard at once, Captain Toad leapt out of the crater and snapped to attention with a salute. “Captain Toadster? Sir!”

The old toad’s mustache, which easily rivaled Mario’s in magnificence, curled as he spotted the young soldier crawling from the crater. “Huh? Private Toad? Where’d you come from?”

“I fell from the sky, Captain Toadster!”

“Oh, none of that military brass twaddle, Private. I’m not a Captain anymore. I am retired, and you’re…what was your rank again, Private?”

“Captain, Sir!”

“I told you, don’t call me–Oh! You mean you made captain, Private? Congratulations! Guess that makes you Captain Toad, now! Friends call me Toadster, so that means I’m Toadster to you…so, at ease, sonny! My stars, they make a fella’ Captain and he starts crashing through–”

Toadster did a double take as he remembered the giant hole in the ceiling. “Great horny toads! You fell out of the sky? All Toad Town is in a state of emergency, on account of the sky’s falling and all. You know what’s going on?”

“Yes, sir! Bowser was permitted an opportunity to join morning exercises on the Mario Maker, and is now attempting an escape. His interference caused the Mario Maker to malfunction and begin to collapse.”

Professor Toadsky crawled onto his hands and knees, rubbing his aching lower back. “Bowser’s out of his cell? Who in the hell authorized that?” 

Spitting with rage, Professor Toadsky shook his fist as he paced back and forth. “Oh, don’t tell me, I already know! It was her royal Highness, wasn’t it? Oooooh! Just wait until the Council of Elders hears of this…”

 

Toadster scowled. “Now’s not the time, Professor. Captain Toad, you’re the ranking military officer. The people of Toad Town need you.”

For a moment, Captain Toad felt the urge to argue, and ask the retired captain to take command of the situation. He remembered the days in boot camp, when Toadster had been his drill sergeant. But Captain Toad also knew there was no time for false modesty. “Yes, sir! Toadster, you keep directing these kids to the tornado shelter. Professor Toadsky, you help!”

Professor Toadsky’s toothbrush mustache bristled. “Me? But I’m an intellectual!”

But Toadster clapped Profesor Toadsky on the back and led him away before the professor could start lecturing properly.

Marching out of the university building, Captain Toad surveyed the scene of Toad Town. A few buildings were billowing smoke, but the damage wasn’t as wide-spread as he’d feared it would be…yet. Glancing up at the sky, Captain Toad spotted another brick dropping away from the obstacle course. As a soldier, his first duty was to serve and protect the royal family. His second duty was to serve and protect the people of Toad Town. He couldn’t help Princess Peach right now. “Mario, Luigi, take good care of her…And Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, you take care of each other, too. It’s all up to you now.”

Captain Toad charged towards the nearest ruined building, seeking any one who needed help.

…

After setting the two princesses down safely, Gonzales Jr. heaved his tiny chest, gulping for air, before roaring in his best Hulk Hogan stage voice. “I’m a machine! I’m unstoppable! I’m invincible! I’m inexhaustible! I’m…I’m…tireless…”

Gonzales Jr. collapsed onto his face. His heart was big and strong, but he was still only a baby yoshi, after all. Daisy cooed with sympathy as she scooped up the heroic, professional wrestling infant. “Aw! Poor ‘wittle guy! You’re all tuckered out!”

“M’not…a…baby…” muttered Gonzales Jr. as his eyelids grew heavy.

Daisy soothed Gonzales Jr as she let him nestle against her shoulder. “No, you’re not a baby. You’re a brave little man! Now get some rest!”

“M’kay…” Gonzales Jr.’s head spiraled one final time, before he drifted off to sleep in Daisy’s tender embrace. 

The cloud platform they were standing on began to tremble. “Kah-kah-k-keep running!” stammered Koops.

Peach forced herself to look away from the distant ground below, where Captain Toad had fallen. She could only hope the power mushroom had been enough to save his life. “Can you and Koopie-Koo keep up?”

Sensing that her husband-to-be was getting flustered, Koopie Koo answered for him. “It’s a straight shot! As long as we don’t have to do any jumping, we should be okay!”

With a final surge of effort, Spike the Lakitu threw Mario toward the pathway in the clouds. Mario landed on his feet and immediately began to sprint alongside them. 

Koops spluttered. “A…s-straight…sh-shot? That’s it! Mario! Remember the Koopa Surfin’ Switch Star technique?”

Mario grinned. “Say no more! Daisy, Peach, can either of you surf?”

“Do what?” squeaked Peach. Once, years ago, she’d wanted to learn to surf during their vacation at Delfino Plaza, but then Bowser had shown up and…well, you can imagine how that had interrupted her plans.

“I can totally surf!” squealed Daisy, still hugging Gonzales Jr. securely against her bosom.

With a curt nod, Mario sprinted up behind Peach and easily scooped her up and into his arms. “Then follow my lead! Koopie-Koo, you’re with Daisy!” 

Koopie-Koo grinned. “Roger! I think I know what you’re up to!”

Peach blushed as she felt herself held tight against Mario’s manly chest. She could feel his heart beating like a drum. “What? What are you up to? Hey! Put me–”

Koops dove forward, ducking his head into his turtle shell, and began to spin wildly in front of them. Mario lightly leapt into the air, aiming towards Koops. 

Peach understood what was about to happen the moment before it happened. There were two things Peach hated: heights, and wave-like motion. “Oh no! I don’t like this! This is a bad ideaaaaaa–”

As Mario landed on Koops, Koops took off like a rocket, skidding across the cloud pathway. Mario stood steady, carefully balancing his feet to ride Koops’s shell, like a surfboard. Peach sank her face against Mario’s shoulder in terror. 

“Oh yeah! I love this! This is a great ideaaaaa–” roared Princess Daisy, as she instantly mastered the art of Koopa surfing on top of Koopie-Koo.

Far behind them, Spike hung over the edge of his cloud, his arms spasming. “Guh-ha? Wait for me!”

Spike’s cloud buddy huffed and puffed as it struggled to catch up with the rest of the group. 

“Puff, puff, Poofy! Huff tuff puff!” gasped the cloud. [Translation: “It’s no use, Lakilester! I can’t go on!”]

“Don’t give up, Puff! All our friends are counting on us!”

“Piff puff! Ruff puffle poof puff!” [Translation: “I can’t do it! I’m just a little rain cloud! I’m not cool like you!”]

“That’s not true, Puff! You’re super cool! Believe in yourself! And if you can’t believe in yourself, then believe in me, who believes in you!”

“Piffle puff! Poof puff nuff huff!” [Translation: “Balderdash! That makes absolutely no sense!”]

“What do you mean? It makes perfect sense! You don’t believe in yourself, but you believe in me, who believes in you. And you don’t believe in the me, who believes in you, then believe in the you, who believes in yourself!”

“Nuff puff!” [Translation: “That’s even more confusing!”]

Realizing this was getting him nowhere, and that he was missing his incredibly cool, emergency sunglasses, Spike pulled out even-cooler-ultimate-emergency-emergency sunglasses, with triangle shaped lenses. “Oh, forget it! Here! Take my last pair of emergency-emergency sunglasses! They’re, uh, magic! Yeah, that's it! They’ll give you super strength!”

“Puff puff! Poofle ruff ‘n’ tuff puff!” [Translation: “No, Lakilester! Those are your coolest, sickest pair of shades!”]

Spike shook his head, before placing the emergency sunglasses over Puff’s eyes with a flourish. “You need them more than I do, Puff!”

The awesome cosmic power of the triangular sunglasses, or perhaps the placebo effect, was instant. With an explosion of lightning, Puff surged forward after the group, looking incredibly cool while doing it.*

[*Note from the author: This entire scene, which is a giant, nerdy anime homage, was of course accompanied by the song Rap is Man's Soul! Believe in You'n the Restless Dude Showing the Sky, Listen to Kamina's Theme with Ears Wide Open!! by Iwasaki Taku, because it’s my imagination and I can do whatever I want.]

With a spectacular explosion, Spike and Puff burst forward to catch up with the rest of the group. But they had been left far behind.

Up ahead, Mario, Peach, Koops, Daisy, Gonzales Jr., and Koopie Koo all shot off the edge of the cloud shortcut like two bullets, flying toward the end of world 2-1. Peach forced her eyes open. “We need to grab the flag to load the next level!”

“I can’t do it! I’m carrying a baby!” wailed Princess Daisy.

“We’ve got it covered! Peach! Keep your eye on the flag!” boomed Mario, as he spiraled Koops into a barrel roll. 

Yes, I know, you’re probably thinking this is a “Do a barrel roll!” reference from Star Fox, and you’re likely getting ready to tell me that it’s technically called an aileron roll, but Mario did an actual, literal barrel roll, since Koopas don’t pilot as tightly as Arwing fighters. Plus, they needed a bit of extra height to reach the flag. So, take that, nerds! 

Peach reached out, snatched the flag, and the words “World 2-2” flashed in the sky above them, along with a booming, computer voice which announced the next obstacle course had loaded.

Daisy rolled her eyes as she spotted the expanse of water floating in the sky before them. “Ugh, it’s the freakin’ underwater level!”

Mario smirked. “Don’t worry, we’re skipping it!” 

The explosive forward momentum took them halfway across the expanse of water, but as the two Koopas began to gradually decelerate, they all felt their stomachs go weightless as gravity began to take its course. 

Below them, a school of menacing Cheep-Cheeps and Bloopers popped their heads out of the water, ready to pounce.

Daisy clenched her teeth. “We’re not gonna’ make it!” 

Mario’s eyes were calm, his voice stern. “We’re gonna’ make it!”

A thunderclap from Puff announced the arrival of Spike the Lakitu, as he snatched Daisy and Mario’s collars from behind. “Believe!!”

As Koops and Koopie-Koo felt the last of their momentum disappear, they popped out of their respective shells and grasped at Mario and Daisy’s legs. Spike and Puff’s lightning burst of speed carried them the rest of the way across the expanse of water, just out of reach of a massive Cheep-Cheep before she could snap at them. 

They all skidded across the top of a brick platform and leapt toward the flag, which Peach snatched, before they came tumbling and rolling to a halt at the end of the course. Mario’s hat went flying off his head as he twisted in mid air to break Peach’s fall.

Daisy heaved a sigh as she patted the snoozing baby Yoshi on the small of his back. “Peach, you ever think how fun it would be to have a baby?”

“Not now, Daisy.”

“Oh, yeah, definitely not now, while we’re all in mortal peril. I meant generally!”

The computer’s electronic voice echoed above them. “World 2-2 Com-com-complete. Loading World 2-3…Lo-lo-loaded!”

Before them stretched a long expanse of suspended rope bridges. Below them lay the raging river and moat that surrounded the fortress walls protecting Toad Town. Ahead of them, a single Cheep-Cheep exploded out of the water, into the air above the bridges, spitting out a bullet of water with such explosive force, it ripped through a wooden plank with ease.

Mario lifted himself to his feet. “Mrs. Sushie is out there. We’ve got to warn her before she gets hurt!”

Spike the Lakitu twiddled his thumbs. Without his sunglasses, he always felt like he was plain, old Lakilester. “Or before she hurts us…”

Daisy put a finger to her mouth. “Not to mention that monster-sized Cheep-Cheep. You know, Big Bertha. She’s actually quite nice, when she’s not trying to kill us!”

Mario retrieved his hat and fixed it back in place. “It won’t come to that. C’mon. Let’s a go!”

[End of Chapter IX]