Bowsette’s Princess Lessons: Chapter VII: Panic in the Mushroom Kingdom

 Bowsette’s Princess Lessons: 

Chapter VII: Panic in the Mushroom Kingdom

By Yu May

Just when Bowser was sure his tail would surely catch on fire, he shot feet-first out of the warp pipe inside a stone chamber, on a collision course for a set of wooden doors. Twisting in mid-air, Bowser took the brunt of the impact on his spiked shell, smashed through the doors, and came rolling to a stop on the stone entrance way of the castle. “Ha! Free at last! Thank me almighty, I’m free at last!”

Then Bowser noticed the defensive moat that surrounded Toad Town, nearly a 500-foot drop below him. “D’oh! I’m still stuck in Peach’s silly obstacle course!” Glancing around, Bowser spotted blocks crumbling and falling away in the distance. “That’s where I came from? Excellent! It’s all falling apart! Hopefully Mario and…uh…the green Mario brother...What’s his name again?” 

…

Within the warp pipe, Luigi howled as he felt the hot metal start to burn through his overalls.

“This looks bad, Luigi!” cried Parakarry, immediately behind him. The hairline cracks in the pipe’s metal surface were starting to glow, and spread like cobwebs all around them.

“W-we’re gonna’ make it!” cried Luigi, not sure if he believed it.

…

Bowser counted on his fingers as he struggled to remember the name. “Lou…Louis? Lou-wussy? It’s on the tip of my tongue!” 

“Luigi?” said a soft voice at the back of his head. 

“Yeah, that’s right, Luigi! What a pansy, am I right?” Bowser snarled with delight, before doing a double-take at the sound of the voice behind him. No one was there.

Bowser shook his head. “Anyway, hopefully those twerps get to do a little skydiving, without a parachute!” Then he remembered that Princess Peach was with them, and the thought of her tumbling to her doom felt like ice in his stomach. “Peach will be fine! She must have some safety precautions in place. But if I finish her little obstacle course in record time, I’ll be back at the castle first. This is perfect! By the time they catch up, I’ll be long gone!”

 

He’d miss his chance to spank Daisy for losing their bet, but the opportunity to escape was too enticing. Stretching his legs, Bowser prepared to run the obstacle course. “Funny? There’s usually supposed to be an enemy Lakitu on this level. At least, there always was when I played Super Koopa Cousins with the kids. Ha! This is going to be even easier than I thought!”

There was a flash of light and a crack from within the castle. Bowser ducked as two greenish shapes went whizzing over his head.

The first green missile turned out to be Luigi, who went sailing towards a green pipe. A Piranha Plant leapt out of the pipe, smacking its lips at the scent of an approaching meal. But Luigi crashed against it with such force, the Piranha Plant was uprooted and sent tumbling down to the moat below. 

Immediately behind Luigi, Parakarry used his wings to pull up and out of the way of the incoming obstacles. He grasped for Luigi, but it was too late!

Luigi smashed head-first into the floating brick on the other side of the pipe, spiraled wildly up and over the obstacle, and finally landed flat on his back, a few feet below the brick that had been kind enough to slow him down.

That likely would have been the end of Luigi, had not the brick fortuitously contained a red Power Mushroom, which plopped helpfully into his mouth as he lay gasping for air. Luigi’s head shot up as he gagged, then he swallowed the mushroom. Swooning, Luigi fainted, unaware that the strengthening power of the mushroom was now coursing through his veins. 

Bowser leapt lightly up onto the green pipe and pointed down towards Luigi. “You followed me? Ha! Just when I was worried this was going to get boring!” 

Parakarry trembled, but flew in between Bowser and the unconscious Luigi anyway. “Not another step, Bowser! Or you’ll have to go through me!”

Bowser snorted. “That’s not much of a threat. I don’t even know who you are.”

“I helped Mario f-fight you before! I-I’m P-Parakarry, and I’m, um, I’m a mailman?”

Bowser roared with laughter. “Bwa ha ha! Aw, you’re shaking in your wittle shell! Too bad Mario’s not here to help you now!”

Parakarry glanced back at Luigi, wishing Mario was here. As the Mario brothers’ mailman, Parakarry had gotten to know Luigi pretty well over the years. He knew that Luigi had saved Mario several times, and that although most people made fun of Luigi, Mario never once did. 

Catching Parakarry’s nervous glance, Bowser pressed his advantage. “Move aside, puny Parakoopa. I won’t tell anyone. It’s not like you can stop me!”

Parakarry remembered the time he and Mario had infiltrated the castle of Bowser’s henchman, the Invincible Tubba Blubba. 

At the sight of their enemy, Parakarry alone had started to panic. And even in his female form, Bowser was still more intimidating than Tubba Blubba had ever been.

Back then, Mario had spurred Parakarry on. But Parakarry didn’t have Mario here to help him now. 

“I don’t care if I can stop you! I am a mail man! And it’s my job to face any danger that threatens the Mushroom Kingdom postal service…which you’re sort of doing, indirectly!”

Bowser shrugged, then inhaled sharply, planning to torch Parakarry with a quick burst of his dragon breath. But once again, he felt the flames flicker and die in his throat. “Burp! Man! I’ve had heartburn all day. Was it something I…ate?”

Bowser hesitated as he noticed Luigi stumbling to his feet, punch drunk. Thanks to the mushroom, Luigi was noticeably taller and sturdier than he’d been a few moments ago. Stumbling forward, Luigi slammed his fist into the green pipe Bowser was standing on, shattering it. Bowser leapt for safety, then tucked and rolled to break his fall. 

Just as he stood up, Bowser felt Parakarry dive bomb him from above, smacking into the crown, which dug deeper into his bruised, throbbing skull. “Why can’t a nice guy like me ever catch a break?” thought Bowser.

…

Daisy, Peach, Koopie-Koo, and Captain Toad emerged from the warp pipe first. 

Daisy whistled. “That was close!” Then she glanced down and finally noticed that her “Hi! I’m Daisy!” underpants were showing. “Oh no! I lost my shorts!” Daisy covered herself, her face beet red. “But that means…Luigi saw me in my underpants!”

Noticing Daisy’s dilemma, Peach pulled a yellow sash from her fanny pack and offered it to Daisy. “Here, Daisy! Use this!”

Daisy sighed with relief and quickly tied the sash around her waist. “Thanks, Peach. You’re the best! Now I don’t have to worry about…Oh no! What about Mario and Koops? That’s way more important than my underpants! We have to go back!”

But to everyone’s relief, Mario and Koops popped up from the pipe behind them. 

Koopie-Koo dove into Koops’ embrace, kissing him. Peach rushed to Mario’s side, wanting to kiss Mario. But remembering her Princess manners, Peach squeezed his hand instead. “You both made it!”

Mario nodded. “Koops says the safety program has failed.”

Captain Toad shook his head, gravely. “Toadette and Goombaria will have noticed we’re in trouble. So that means the emergency failsafe must be broken as well!”

Koopie-Koo snapped her lips away from Koops. “What? So you knew that there was nothing to catch you when you ordered me to leave you behind and save myself?”

The adrenaline rush fading, Koops rubbed his head sheepishly. “Well…uh…you see…we only had a few seconds…and you know I, ah, tend to stammer when I get flustered? So I figured I’d better, ya’ know, get to the point, before–”

Koopie-Koo silenced him with another smooch. “You did the right thing. We’ll talk about it later!”

Peach quickly wiped away her tears, forcing herself to think. “This is my fault. I knew those old level designs had hidden warp pipes, so I just hid them behind brick walls when I programmed the course. I never expected Bowser to go barreling through solid walls like that!” 

Mario sensed the guilt in Peach’s voice. “Don’t blame yourself, Princess. We’ll get through this. We just need to stick together and–”

Behind them, the warp pipe started to tremble, and with a crack it fell away into nothingness.

Peach gestured ahead to the second flag that marked the end of the course. “Move!”

Thinking quickly, Princess Daisy snatched up Koopie-Koo, guessing correctly that the Koopa would have trouble leaping up and over the brick steps ahead of them.

Making sure no one was left behind, Mario snatched up Koops. Everyone dove past the finish line, ignoring the flag, all thoughts of bonus points and winning the race no longer a concern. 

Mario called from the back of the group. “Peach? Why is the course falling apart? Is there anything we can do to stop it?”

Peach shook her head. “When Bowser broke the boundary to the hidden warp pipe, he must have glitched the code. It’s trying to load two levels at once!”

Daisy stiffened. “So what happens if Bowser finishes the obstacle course first?” 

“I don’t know. Let’s pray we don’t find out. It could shut down the entire obstacle course, with us still on it!”

The red brick road stretched ahead of them in a straight line, until it terminated in mid air. Above it flashed the words: “World 1-3.” The spotted mushroom-heads of towering toadstool trees arose to greet them. Their only way forward was to leap across them, one by one.

“Are there any more hidden warp pipes?” gasped Mario, struggling under the weight of Koops.

Peach bit her lip. “There are two more Bowser could use, if he remembers them. If he came out in World 4, that means he’s only one stage away from them. One of them would take him to World 8, near the end of the entire course!”

With her free hand, Daisy pointed toward the horizon, still supporting Koopie-Koo over her shoulder. Nearly a mile ahead of them, the Mario Maker was rearranging the pieces of the obstacle course into a new level. “But, look how far ahead they are!”

Mario shook his head. “It’s all up to Luigi!”

Daisy’s eyes went wide. “Luigi has to fight Bowser alone? Bowser will murder him!”

Mario met Daisy’s eyes. “Daisy, you can count on Luigi. You can trust him with your life! Cuz’ my little brother will never, ever let you down!”

Calming her breath, Peach landed on a floating beam of red steel, then leapt up to the final set of toadstool trees. The flag that marked the end of World 1-3 was in sight. “Mario’s right, Daisy! And Luigi isn’t alone. He has Parakarry to fight at his side. So let’s focus on–”

A green and white egg flew through the air past Peach’s head, exploding into a thousand shards of tiny egg shells as it impacted the ground at Mario’s feet.

“Gonzales! I’m calling you out!” squeaked a little kid’s voice, standing on a floating steel beam above their heads. A rock and roll anthem started to play, and as the flying platform slowly lowered to their eye level, the speaker came into view: Gonzales Jr., the Yoshi kid.

Throwing his fists into the air, the youthful Yoshi roared his challenge in a passable imitation of Macho Man Randy Savage. “Ladies and gentlemen! The moment you have been waiting for! At long last, The Great Gonzales will face his greatest foe yet! His former sidekick: The Great Gonzales, Junior! The student against the master. It’s the Match of the Century!”

Daisy looked askance at Mario. “Mario? Is your last name Gonzales?”

Mario sighed. “It’s a long story, ya’ see–”

“Let’s get ready to rumble!” roared Gonzales Jr. as he dove down to crush Mario with a devastating, and well-rehearsed, hip drop attack. 

Mario set down Koops and caught the little Yoshi easily. “Junior! There’s no time! The entire obstacle course is falling apart! This is an emergency!”

“Huh? Really?”

 Gonzales Jr. noticed the world falling apart behind them. “Yowza! Okay, Gonzales. We’ll call it a draw. Hop on my back! I’ll get you out of here!”

Mario shook his head. “I’m fine. Take Koops instead.”

Despite being half Koops’ size, Gonzales Jr. darted around and under Koop’s legs, easily lifting him up onto his back like a loyal steed. “Aces! Quick, Koopie-Koo, hop aboard!”

Daisy raised an eyebrow as she ran alongside the teeny-tiny professional wrestling Yoshi. “Huh? You can’t possibly carry her.”

“Are you calling me fat, Daisy?” teased Koopie-Koo.

“Wah? No! Look at him, he’s tiny!”

Gonzales Jr. saluted, somehow having no problem keeping pace with his short legs. “No worries, Daisy, my dude! Koops’ will carry Koopie-Koo, and I’ll carry Koops, so it’s fine!”

If only Luigi was there to see the confused look on Daisy’s face, he’d have found it adorable. “...But…how can–”

Koops’ smiled reassuringly and held out his hands. “It’s fine, Daisy, I think I can carry my bride-to-be!”

Seeing that a giant leap was coming up, Daisy decided there was no time to argue, and handed Koopie-Koo to Koops’ in a rush. “Okay, okay! Just watch out for that–”

“LET’S ROCK!!!” With a roar, Gonzales Jr. sprinted forward, easily clearing the jump with both turtles on his back, landed on a floating steel beam and vaulted all the way to the finish line in a single bound, stylishly snatching the flag from the top of the pole on his way down.

The rest of the group stuck the landing, and followed Gonzales Jr. to the next track. Daisy was stunned into silence. 

Peach beamed, and nodded to Mario. “You know Mario, I really like your friends! We should have them over more often!”

[End of Chapter VII]