Bowsette’s Princess Lessons - Chapter XVI: Of Mice and Turtle Men and/or Women

 Bowsette’s Princess Lessons

Chapter XVI: Of Mice and Turtle Men and/or Women

Bowser shot out the end of the warp pipe, holding Peach above his head as they skidded along the ground like a hockey puck. Bowser’s feminine buttocks took most of the friction for him. “Agh! I really should have installed mattresses at the end of those things.”

Peach kicked as Bowser pinned her under his arm, tucking her tight against his waist. “Bowser, it’s not too late! We can talk about the conditions of your release, but only if you stop this madness!”

Bowser stood up and dusted off the torn remains of his ratty ballroom gown. “Oh, so now you want to bargain? That’s good! Bargaining is the last step before acceptance. My date coach told me that before I had him thrown in the dungeon.”

In a single motion, Bowser momentarily released his grip on Peach, only to hold his captive up to examine her face-to-face. “...Thank badness! You’re not hurt!”

Peach shook her head, her eyes watery. “Please, don’t do this! If you’d only–”

But Bowser only tossed her over his shoulder. “Ups-a-Daisy! …Hmm, why do people say ‘Ups-a-Daisy’? ‘Ups-a-Peachy’ sounds a lot cuter.”

Peach saw pink flames engulf Bowser’s feet, then felt her stomach sink as they both rocketed high into the air. Bowser started to veer wildly. “Crud, crud, crud! Need both hands! Hold tight, sweetie!”

Peach felt their momentum stagger, before Bowser pulled her off his shoulder and into a tight embrace. As Peach twisted her neck, she saw a floating pillar of brick about to smash into them, screamed, and clutched tight to Bowser. With both hands free, Bowser pulled out of the swan dive and started to pilot with the pink flames. Peach was relieved to no longer be careening toward certain death, but the turbulence was still worse than any airplane she’d ever ridden.

Bowser spun his feet forward in mid air to slow down their descent. “Just gotta stick the land–”

The billowing flag slapped against Bowser’s face just as he came in for a landing. His knees took most of the brunt of the fall, before he hugged Peach and spun onto his shell to shield her. The spikes on his turtle shell dug deep into the brick, bringing them to a halt.

The Mario Maker’s voice rumbled. “W-w-world 8-1 complete! World 8-2…loading…loading…loading…loaded!”

Bowser groaned, and flashed a winning grin at Peach. With his new, feminine face, it would have been a perfectly charming smile, but for his two missing teeth. “Welp, any landing you can walk away from! Am I right?”

Peach shook her head, snarling. “No! You are not right! Why can’t you–”

Bowser dumped Peach over his shoulder again. “Shush! …Peachy, Popsicle, I love you to pieces, but you gotta’ let me concentrate. Once I get you safely home–”

“I will not not be shushed! This is an act of war upon my–”

Bowser snorted a puff of black smoke. “Princess, if you don’t cut it out, I’ll…uh…give you a spanking!”

Peach froze, then her voice turned icy. “...You wouldn’t dare.”

Bowser kicked down the double-door entrance to the stone fortress off its hinges. “...You wanna’ test that theory, sweet-cheeks?”

“You have never once struck me. Yes, you’ve laid hands on me. You’ve carried me off to your fortresses, you’ve locked me up, you’ve magically trapped me inside a stained glass window, but you have never hit me.” 

Staring at Peach’s short-clad backside as she lay sprawled over his shoulder, Bowser swallowed a lump in his throat. “First time for everything!”

“And is that how your Mother raised you to treat a lady?”

Bowser raised a hand, but hesitated. “...Hey! My Mama is a Saint! A little too kissy-kissy in public, but still–”

“And what would your Mother say, if she could see how you’re acting, right now?”

“Oh, that’s easy, she’d say, ‘Oh, Bowzee, Koopums, I know one day, a handsome boy like you will make a fine husband, once you find the right gal. I can’t wait to spoil more grandchildren! But remember, deep down, all girls want a bad-boy, caveman-type. So just be assertive, and don’t let yourself be pushed around!”

Peach was stunned. She’d met Mrs. Koopa briefly at one of Bowser’s many elaborate wedding ceremonies, and Bowser’s imitation of her accent was spot on. Then she felt her fanny pack shivering. Peach’s eyes went wide as she spotted a mouse poke its head out of her bag, and she willed herself not to scream. 

Then she noticed it was wearing a red domino mask. It was Ms. Mowz! The masked mouse thief held a tiny finger against her lips, and winked at Peach.

As Bowser kicked down the door at the opposite end of the fortress, he paused, stroking his chin. “...Oh, yeah, but she also said that a real man should never hit a woman, barring mutual, ceremonial combat…Sorry about the spanking threat, Peach, it just sorta…slipped out? Guess I got a bit heated.”

Peach nodded as Ms. Mowz lightly crawled out of her fanny pack, scampered across Peach, and tucked herself snugly into the folds of Bowser’s bustle, right below his turtle shell and spiked tail. “Apology accepted, Bowser. Now, why don’t you set me down so we can discuss this like two rational–”

With a blast of pink flame, Bowser shot into the sky again, skipping past the entirety of World 8-2 in a single bound.

…

Goombario counted everyone as they came out of the warp pipe. “That’s Goombella, Kooper, Koops, Koopie-Koo, Bombette, Admiral Bobbery, Parakarry and Lady Bow, Madame Flurrie, The Great Gonzales Jr., and Vivian…”

Daisy slid out of the pipe, carrying Luigi in her arms. “Hoof it!”

Lady Bow floated above the group, fanning herself as the group began to sprint. “Poor Spike is still down for the count, lil’ Watt flew away in the tornado, and Mrs. Sushie stayed behind at the castle moat.”

Gonzales Jr. tugged on his mohawk. “Man, how did Mario ever keep track of all of us?”

Mario shot out of the pipe, rolled once, and sprinted to catch up with the group. “Has anyone seen Ms. Mowz?”

Madame Flurrie held a hand to her forehead as she blew alongside the. “Alas for our valiant rogue! I fear she has taken her final bow upon the great stage!”

Vivian trembled, flitting in and out of the others’ shadows. “If only I could have seen her, before I took us through the shadows.”

Goombella shook her head. “Don’t count her out yet! She’s flirted with death before, only to escape by a whisker. 

Admiral Bobbery puffed his mustache. “Aye! Steel your rudders, mates! If there was any way out of that death trap, she’s sure to have sniffed it out!”

Bombette lit her fuse as they spotted enemies ahead. A thick-shelled Buzzy Beetle stomped toward Bombette, its red eyes flashing. “Then let’s cut a path through these mooks!”

With a blast, Bombette easily knocked aside the Buzzy Beetle, then rolled like a cannonball through a line of the Red Spinies that had replaced Goombas on the obstacle course.

As Mario’s sprint took him to the front of the group, he spoke with command. “Goombas, knock out flying enemies. Koopas, cut a path through the Spinies. Bob-ombs, concentrate on taking out heavily armored enemies. Look out for Bullet Bills! Parakarry, fly high and catch anyone who falls. Madame Flurrie, back up Parakarry, and blast aside enemies with your Gale Force breath. Lady Bow, Vivian, use your power to save anyone who’s about to take a lethal hit! Toadette, Junior, help me get the Koopas over the high obstacles. Once we have a clear shot, we’re all Koopa surfing to catch up with Bowser!”

Goombario’s hat nearly flew off as he hopped alongside Mario. “If Bowser’s already figured out how to fly, that means he has tight control over his new fire power. He’ll be able to strike like a hawk!”

Parakarry dove to take out a Piranha plant. “It’s worse than that! I caught a glimpse of him flying. He was shaky, but with that power, he could fly faster than either I or Spike ever could!”

Mario pulled to the front of the pack, kicking aside an enemy Koopa. “We’ll worry about that later. Everyone, stay focused. We’ll beat him the same way we beat him before…together!”

The entire group naturally fall into a flying V-formation behind Mario, Daisy bringing up the rear to protect Luigi. Their voices all rose as one. “Together!”

…

Bowser snatched the flag at the end of World 8-2, and this time managed to land on his feet, with Peach clinging to him for dear life. 

“World 8-2 Complete…World 8-3 Loading…Loaded!”

As she listened to the Mario Maker quickly load the next level, Peach sighed with relief. Now that it was no longer trying to load multiple levels at once, some of the strain had been taken off of the Mario Maker’s overclocked CPU. But in the distance, she could still see the last fortress glitching and dissipating. 

A soft tremor rumbled through the ground. 

Bowser’s knees shook, but he held his legs steady. “Heh, I’m getting the hang of this. Who knew that being a natural pilot was among my many, talented gifts!”

Securing his hold on Peach, Bowser jabbed at the door of the fortress, and to his delight, a pink fireball flew out of his fist, bouncing like a tennis ball. When the ball of fire smashed against the doors, it left behind a scorched, smoking hole in the wood, but the doors held firm. “Huh, not as devastating as my sweet, red-hot cinnamon breath.”

Peach spotted a small bump as Ms. Mowz crawled around under the skirt of Bowser’s dress. The moment Bowser absent-mindedly reached to scratch his rear end, Ms. Mowz vanished again. “Ugh, my butt itches. Peach, would you be a peach and scratch it for me?”

“Absolutely not.”

Bowser punched the door down, using his fire to add a little extra umph to the blow, then flexed his fingers. “Suit yourself.”

Spotting the door on the opposite end of the small fortress, Bowser blasted another pink fireball. This time, it ripped clean through the door. Still not up to Bowser’s standards for heavy artillery firepower, but an improvement. Bowser kicked aside the tattered remnants of the door. “You know Peach, we could really benefit from some marriage counseling. Our wedding anniversary is coming up, after all.”

“For the last time, I was under hypnosis. And not just any hypnosis. Nastasia had to use her dark, magical super hypnosis to force me say ‘I do.’”

“And those were the two sweetest words I’ve ever heard you say to me!”

 

Before Peach could argue the legality of marriage vows given under duress, Bowser blasted into the air again. Below them, Peach could make out a long line of Hammerhead Bros., one of Bowser’s most elite units. Why, oh why, had she insisted on making the Mario Maker obstacle course so realistic?

Bowser spotted the Hammerhead Bros. below. “Ooh, that gives me an idea. Quick pit-stop!”

Two Hammerhead Bros. bounced up and down, throwing hammers according to their pre-programmed movements. “Halt, in the name of Lord Koopa! Halt, in the name of Lord Koopa!”

Bowser punched the first Hammerhead Bro so hard, he went flying backwards to crash into his brother. Both the enemies glitched, then disappeared in a pixelated cloud.
Deftly, Bowser caught two hammers in one hand. “Dang! Once you’ve had five fingers, you never want to go back!”

As Bowser reached behind his back to tuck the hammers away into his shell, Peach spotted Ms. Mowz scurrying down and around Bowser’s behind again. “Ack! There’s that bloody itch again…”

Bowser scratched his butt with the tail end of the hammer, then flicked open a compartment on the back of his shell to store the hammers for later. Then he strolled casually toward the floating stones that formed the final obstacle before the flag goalpost. “...But I’d never want to give up my shell. You can store all sorts of things in them. Like magic hammers, for example. Never know when you’re gonna need a good magic hammer to bash in a few–” 

With a growl, Bowser scratched his hip, then his stomach. “Ghwarr! What is this, a traveling itch? Feels like something crawling all over my–”

Scratching furiously, Bowser grasped one of his own breasts, and heard a small squeak, like a dog’s chew toy. Glancing down, Bowser squeezed his boob twice, and heard the same sound, only it somehow sounded more…desperate?

A mouse poked her head up from between Bowser’s two melon-sized boobs. “Gasp! Unhand me, you cad!”

Bowser’s hair turned bright, golden blond, and he/she leapt up on a stone pillar, hiking his/her skirt up with his/her one free hand. “Eeeeek! It’s a mouse!”

Ms. Mowz tumbled free from Bowser’s breasts, landing gracefully. “Not just any mouse…You face none other than the infamous Ms. Mowz, master thief!”

Bowser bared his fangs, his/her blond hair standing on end. “Master pervert, more like! Keep your paws to yourself!”

Ms. Mowz’s whiskers stiffened. “Feh! You were the one who grasped my…tail…so roughly! Usually, you’re supposed to ask a girl out first, treat her to a little wine and cheese, share a lovely stroll in the park, really get know one another–”

“Look out!” screamed Peach, as she sensed a surge of prickling heat.

Ms. Mows darted out of the way as a thin bullet of pink flame ripped through the stone where she had been standing. Bowser clicked his/her tongue to ignite a second flame. “Sorry, but I’m a married man!”

But before Bowser could incinerate Ms. Mowz, she disappeared. As Bowser spotted the rodent crawling along his/her bare feet, he/she screamed and hopped back onto the ground, dancing away with a look of disgust. “Gaagh! Don’t do that! Who knows where you’ve been?”

Bowser reached back to retrieve the magic hammer from his/her shell, only to notice them missing. “Huh? Where’s my hammers? …Where’s my wallet?”

Bowser glanced up to find Ms. Mowz casually thumbing through a wad of Koopa Kingdom dollar bills. “My, my, that’s quite a lot of cash to carry around. Could it be that you’re compensating for something?”

Bowser snarled and dove for the pickpocket, only for Ms. Mowz to lightly jump onto his/her head and scamper up and over the crown.

Bowser spun wildly, flailing his/her arm. “Argh! Stop it, stop it, staaaahp iiiiiittt!”

Ms. Mowz shielded her ears. “Now, darling, if you want a second date, your should know it’s rather unattractive to scream like a little girl.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Peach saw Bowser’s hair flash from golden blond to blood red. “Ms. Mowz! Run!”

With a roar, Bowser shot a blast of bright red fire from his throat, his good, old fashioned flame-thrower style dragon breath. Ms. Mowz barely rolled out of range, clutching the hammers and wallet tight. With a low, guttural growl, Bowser charged after Ms. Mowz, charging up a red fireball in his free hand. “Give ‘em back!”

Ms. Mowz halted as the fireball crashed down ahead of her to cut it off, then she doubled back to grab at Bowser’s ankle. “Boo!”

Bowser kicked Ms. Mowz like a football.

Ms. Mowz bounced once, then lay on the ground, clutching her foot paw. 

Smoke billowed from Bowser’s nostrils as he scooped up the two magic hammers. “You think I’m scared of you, little mouse?”

Ms. Mowz lifted herself onto her shaky arms. “...You were pretty scared of me a second ago!”

As she felt the tell-tale heat that warned her another blast of fire was coming, Peach tugged sharply on Bowser’s hair. “No!”

Bowser roared with pain, and blasted his red flames into the sky. “Yow! Quit tugging!”

“Please, don’t hurt her! She’s no threat to you!”

Bowser pulled his red hair free, then whipped it around his head to get it out of Peach’s reach. “She’s attacking me? What am I supposed to do, turn the other cheek?”

Peach folded her hands as if in prayer. “Bowser, please, you’ve never killed one of my subjects! You’ve already won!”

Bowser took a closer look at his opponent, and saw the mouse trying to limp away. “Huh…You’re right, I have most definitely won this fight. Well, it’s no skin off my nose.”

As he turned to leave Ms. Mowz behind, Bowser scratched his nose. “...Speaking of noses, I always thought this sort of nose looked rather fetching on you, Peach. Nothing like the big beak you’d see on a Koopa gal.”

“Please, listen! I’m begging–”

Not bothering to release his over-the-shoulder grip on peach, Bowser blasted up and into the air, “Ooooh-ho! Watch me, Peach! Are you watching?”

Bowser snatched the flag with one hand, tossed it aside, then came in for a graceful landing. “Aaaand…” 

The moment he landed, Bowser spun on his heels and punched a red fireball straight through the great doors of the final fortress. “...Touchdown! The crowd goes wild!”

The Mario Maker’s voice echoed across the horizon, crystal clear. “World 8-3 Complete! World 8-4…Loaded!”

With a groan, one of the two doors snapped off its hinges and slammed to the ground. The other slowly started to catch on fire. As Bowser did an end-zone celebration dance, Peach saw the final fortress looming over her. The doors had been twice as tall, and twice as thick as any that Bowser had blasted through before.

Peach felt like something was caught in her throat, before Bowser carried her through the doorway, and into the dim, torch-lit corridor. 

…

Mario, Princess Daisy, and Toadette rode surfing on the backs of Kooper, Koops, and Koopie-Koo. With so many friends, they were forced to take the following steps: Daisy carried Luigi in her arms and Gonzales Jr. on her back, Toadette carried Goombario and Goombella in either arm, while Mario held Bombette and Admiral Bobbery in either hand. 

This delicate balancing act was made more difficult by the fact an enemy Lakitu was chucking deadly Red Spinies at them. As he ducked to evade a projectile, Mario was forced to juggle his two perfectly-spherical friends to keep from dropping them. 

The moment before a second Spiny could strike Toadette, Lady Bow appeared out of nowhere and knocked it aside with her fan. “Olé!”

Parakarry used a sky dive kick to knock out the Lakitu. “We could sure use Spike right around now!”

An enemy parakoopa dove at Parakarry from behind for a sneak attack, only for a red spiny to knock it out of the sky. Parakarry stiffened as he sensed the movement behind him, then spun to find Jugemu Jugemu Pokopii Lakilester AKA “Michael,” AKA “Jonathan,” AKA “Spike,” the Lakitu floating in the air above him. “Ask, and ye shall receive!”

Spike no longer had his customary sunglasses, so his puffy black eye was all the more noticeable, but he flashed a winning grin as he pointed a thumb at his chest with one hand, while deftly juggling three Red Spinies in the other. 

Daisy twisted over her shoulder and bellowed. “Spike! Quit showing off!”

As he noticed his friends were all about to go flying off a floating brick pathway, on a direct path toward an artillery line of Bullet Bills, Spike fumbled his Red Spinies as he flew to the rescue. “Roger, wilco!”

Admiral Bobbery puffed his mustache. “Let a salty sea-bomb handle these pointy-headed projectiles! Toss me, Mario!”

Mario nodded. “Go for it!”

Mario tossed Admiral Bobbery like a fastball, and as the old bob-bomb smashed against the oncoming Bullet Bill, its cartoony frown turned upside-down, before both were engulfed in an explosion. 

Bobbery flew through the air, and Mario caught him. Bobbery’s eyes were rolling, but apart from the fact his mustache and hat were both singed, he didn’t look much worse for wear.

Bombette cooed, then lit her own fuse. “Oh my! He’s such a gallant man! My turn, Mario! Let me at ‘em! 

As the Koopas skipped like stones across the floating bricks, Goombario and Goombella jumped from Toadette’s arms to headbonk two enemy Parakoopas out of the sky.

The Koopas came to a crashing halt against a Bill Blaster, slamming a wide-eyed Bullet Bill back into the chamber the instant before it fired. As they all took a moment to catch their breath, Mario surveyed the path ahead, and noticed the castle they’d left behind start to crumble and collapse inward. This time, there was no tornado, only a rising pixelated cloud. “Gonzales Junior! You’re up!”

Gonzales Junior stretched out his arms as three full-grown Koopas and two full-grown Bob-bombs hopped on his back. “Hoo-rah! I love piggy-back rides!”

Goombario and Goombella, who were more confident jumpers, ran forward alongside Mario and Daisy as they leapt along the maze of green pipes, all hiding Piranha Plants.

Goombario crashed headfirst into an enemy Parakoopa, knocking its wings off, then leapt off its shell to reach the other side of the bottomless pit below. “Mario! What’s the attack plan when we catch Bowser?”

Mario bounced off a second Parakoopa, then kicked away an incoming Bullet Bill. “I’ll take the lead, while the rest of you hold back.”

Goombella flashed her fangs as she took out a Parakoopa by jumping on its back, then slamming back down onto it with her own skull: the patented Goomba Multibonk™ technique. “Don’t try to be noble and tell us to, like, stay behind while you stay and fight Bowser to the bitter end. Cuz’ that’s totally off the table!”

Two Red Spinies, a Bullet Bill, and a Parakoopa all leapt at them from the top of a stone staircase. Goombario surprised the Parakoopa with a jump, smashing his head against its unprotected belly from below, before Goombella followed up with a finishing blow from above. Madame Flurrie belly flopped into the Bullet Bill, knocking it off its trajectory.

The two Red Spinies were knocked out of the sky by two balls of fire. Vivian emerged from Mario’s shadow, and with a spin of her fingers, the two fireballs returned to her. “Yeah, we’re shadowing you, and that’s that.”

Madame Flurrie fluttered back to join them. “We’re the wind in your sails, darling!”

Admiral Bobbery caught up. “Aye, bucko! We’re your crew! 

Bombette arrived close on the Admiral’s heels. “And you’re our captain!” 

Parakarry glided alongside them. “Our Postmaster General!”

Mario smiled as he shook his head. “Wouldn’t have it any other way. But Bowser is a cunning fighter. If we aren’t well-coordinated, he’ll take full advantage of our distraction.”

Gonzales Jr. turned his head. “Yeah, you use different moves when you’re fighting tons of people than when you are only fighting one…I learned that from Andre the Giant.”

Mario nodded as he led them on toward the final staircase, catching himself on the flag post. “Exactly, so let me fight on the front line, and you all look for an opportunity to attack Bowser. We’re in this together! No hot dogging!”

Spike took out the last enemy Parakoopa with a spiked projectile and slapped his bicep. “Yeah! No hot dogging! Or my name’s not: Jugemu Jugemu Pokopii Lakileter Michael AKA ‘Jonathan’ AKA–”

Everyone yelled the same word all at once. “Spike!” 

Spike pointed two finger guns. “–The Lakitu!”

…

Deep in the corridors of the final fortress, Bowser laughed maniacally as he leapt off a steel beam floating on a pit of lava, then over a snapping Piranha Plant, with Peach in tow. “Bwah, ha, har! All too easy! Man, I’m feeling nostalgic just looking at this old lair. Why’d I ever move on from this model anyway? The design is brilliant!”

There was a low, angry “Beep!” and Bowser stumbled as he felt the ground shift under his feet. When he looked up, he blinked. Instead of seeing the end of the corridor, he only saw the same two pipes and lava pit he’d jumped over only a few seconds ago. “Aw, burn my toast! It’s the old magic maze! Hold on, I remember the trick to this…yeah, I just gotta use certain warp pipes, in a certain sequence. Genius, really! Intruders would never–”

Bowser leapt onto the first pipe he saw and dove down into it. To his relief, his butt didn’t get stuck this time. Then he felt himself going backwards. He and Peach reemerged out of another pipe…at the very beginning of the corridor. “What the–” 

Bowser stared at Peach’s rear end, which was all he could see while she was dangling over his shoulder. “Peach, my love? Would you happen to recall the pattern for this maze?”

Peach made a cute little chirp. “Oop! I’m afraid I have no head for puzzles and mazes.”

Bowser sighed. “Ah, so blond. Well, you can’t help it, and I love you for it. In fact, I adore your blond hair!”

“And I love your blond hair! It’s so like mine!”

Bowser smiled sweetly as he leapt back over the same lava pit. “Yes, it is lovely, isn’t it, so…golden…”

He paused to examine his hair. “...But my hair’s red?”

Bowser saw Peach’s rear end twitch, as if it was nodding in agreement. “Is it? Why so it is! How odd, I could have sworn you were a goldilocks only this morning…and now you’re a ginger?”

Bowser shook his head. “You’re being silly again, Peachie-patootie. I’ve always been a ginger!”

Bowser hopped off the ledge, only for the fortress alarm to give another beep, and for the path before him to magically reset, right back at the first pipe. “Aaarrgh! See what you made me do?”

Peach made a silly-billy face. “Oooh! Did I do that? I’m so sowwy!”

Steam billowed from Bowser’s ears, then he took a deep breath. “Hmmm…I forgive you!”

…

As Goombario and Kooper, and Goombella and Koops both delivered a wombo-combo to each of the two Hammerhead Bros. blocking their path, Mario smashed a brick to reveal a red mushroom, and scarfed it down. He looked up just as an enemy Parakoopa spotted him and arced downward on a collision course. Mario felt himself fall through the solid floor, into a dark nothingness, and heard the enemy crash into the brick where he’d been standing a moment before. Goomario headbutted the stunned enemy Parakoopa, knocking it off the floating platform.

Then Mario reemerged from his shadow, with Vivian clinging tight to him. “Mario! That one almost got you!”

Mario shook his head. “I had a mushroom, I’m fine! The others need you more than–”

Lady Bow popped out of nowhere in Mario’s face. “Bah! Señor Mario! We already know you are a true caballero! Machismo will not save Princess Peach.” 

Madame Flurrie twirled into sight on a gust of wind, planted a big smooch on Mario’s nose, then tickled his chin. “Quite so! You are our frontliner, after all! We all need you alive, and in top fighting condition, to lead us! What was it you said before?”

Kooper thumbed his nose. “No hot dogging!”

The rest of Mario’s friends threw up their fists. “No hot dogging!”

Gonzales Jr. stuck out his tongue, gagging. “Yuck! I hate hot dogs! Ever since that one guy almost tried to cook me into one as a wee egg!”

Mario nodded, then turned to watch the horizon in the west. The gradual collapse of the obstacle course had slowed, but it was creeping nearer. “You’re right. We need a game plan to–”

A shudder traveled through the ground. Down the path ahead, they could make out a Bill Blaster. The Bullet Bill inside the chamber went wide-eyed, then glanced down at the ground, before both the Bullet Bill and the Bill Blaster were ejected into the air in a hiss of mechanical steam. A platform opened at the space beneath, and a large cannon arose slowly, easily 10 times the size of the Bill Blaster. With a series of clicks, and a dense thud, a Banzai Bill (the bigger, badder, blastier cousin of the common Bullet Bill) appeared in the chamger, a wicked toothy smile painted on its face.

Goombella squealed. “A Banzai Bill? That could blow up the entire course!”

Bombette glanced at herself and Admiral Bobbery. “Not even we could blast through its’ armored shell.”

Goombario saw Banzai Blaster start to angle upwards. “What about the Blaster? The gunlaying apparatus look like a weak point!”

Mario nodded. “It’s our best shot! Parakarry, Spike! Give Admiral Bobbery and Bombette a lift so they can take out that Banzai Bill Blaster! Once the path is clear, we’ll Koopa Surf across that platform and we’ll reach the final stretch. Then it’s all up to the Koopa squad to get us past the Hammerhead infantry line. Wait for the Blaster. Then we go in, fast and focused!”

As Admiral Bobbery hopped on Parakarry’s back to prepare for an air raid, the rope fuse on the back of the Banzai Blaster lit aflame. “Don’t panic! Everyone in formation behind the Koopa Squad!”

Toadette, Mario, and Gonzales Jr. carried the three Koopas to the highest platform, where they waited for the path to open. Then Goombario, Goombella, and Gonzales’ Jr. perched on the riders’ shoulders, while Vivian and Lady Bow vanished from sight. Madame Flurrie donned her stage prop Valkyrie helmet and spear, preparing to fly on the winds like a graceful, 300-pound butterfly.

As Parakarry and Spike flew farther into the sky, the Banzai Blaster went ka-boom, and a Banzai Bill arched into the sky. Immediately, a second Banzai Bill appeared in the chamber, and with a poof, a new rope fuse appeared and lit automatically.

Koops rubbed his head. “Um…so we’re the Koopa squad, now? …I kinda like it!”

Koopie-Koo slammed her fist into her hand. Her usual hobbies included scrapbooking and watercolor, so this was her first adventure. “Nokonoko! I love it! I want that on our wedding invitations! Kooper? Wanna be my Bro-Maid of Honor?”

Kooper saluted. “I’d be honored! Congratulations, by the way!”

As the first Banzai Bill spotted Parakarry and Admiral Bobbery, it rounded in midair to target them. Mario held up his hand. “Steady.” 

As Parakarry dropped Admiral Bobbery and Spike dropped Bombette, the Banzai Blaster fired a second shot, which spotted Mario and the Koopa Squad and aimed for them. With a mighty blast. Admiral Bobbery and Bombette impacted the sensitive mechanisms controlling the Banzai Blaster, and it collapsed, billowing steam. As Parakarry dove behind the brick wall and under the course, the first Banzai Bill ripped through the stone as it followed in hot pursuit.

Mario, Daisy, and Toadette rested their feet on one of the Koopas, ready to shoot forward. The Banzai Bill grew steadily larger in their field vision, its size creating the optical illusion that it was moving slowly, like an oncoming locomotive. “Steady.”

The ground beneath their feet started to rumble. Spike flew alongside the incoming Banzai Bill and threw a Red Spiny right at its eye. It didn’t blink. Mario felt the wind rushing around them. “Now!” 

Mario, Toadette, and Daisy stepped on the Koopas and blasted out of the kill zone, just as the Banzai Bill ripped straight through the brick platform and the stone floor below. 

Spike spun loop-de-loops as he spotted his friends narrowly escaping the missile, only to notice the Banzai Blaster had paused in midair, slowly turning to fix its blood-shot eye on him. “...No hard feelings, right?”

Fire exploded from the Banzai Bill’s rocket propulsion system (or to use the vernacular term, from its butt). 

“Crud! Crud! Crud!” Spike threw a hundred Red Spinies at the incoming enemy at machine-gun speed, a technique he’d learned from watching anime, and which works no better in Super Mario Bros. than it does in Dragon Ball Z.

Spike tried to fly out of the way, but friendly cloud pets don’t exactly fly like jets. The Banzai Bill hit him with a glancing blow, and Spike went into a death spiral. As he pulled out, he saw the Banzai Bill turning on a wide arc, but rather than target Spike again, it angled downward. 

Then, in the West, the crumbling fortress exploded as the other Banzai Bill smashed through it, still on Parakarry’s tail. Parakarry cupped his hands to his mouth to call from a distance. “Laaaakileeeester! Keep him distracted!”

“Distract him from…what?” Spike turned. The Banzai Bill bill had spotted Mario below. A slow fire began to build as it charged its next blast.

Riding the Koopas, the riders flew over the smoking debris of the Banzai Blaster. Bombette spotted Admiral Bobbery hopping on a stone pillar ahead. Madame Flurrie cooed. 

“Ohh! Let’s pick these hitchhikers up, Mario. They’re too cute to pass up!”

Mario caught Admiral Bobbery like a baseball, while Toadette let Bombette leap into her open arms. As all three riders caught a gust of air provided for them by Madame Flurrie, they skipped lightly over a second stone pillar, and knocked over two more Hammerhead Bros. like bowling ball pins, complete with the cartoon sound effect. Then they hopped a gap to a green pipe, which hid a Piranha Plant that tried to snap at them, before they knocked it aside. 

Goombario heard a boom like thunder, and turned to see both Banzai Bills, alive and well. “Banzai Bill on our tail!”

Mario shook his head. “Nothing we can do! Leave it to the air squadron!”

Goombario looked ahead, and swallowed. A line of Koopa Troopas and elite Hammerhead Bros. were waiting for them.

As the Banzai Bill began to charge for its final assault, Spike saw what was about to happen, and acted on instinct. Spike knew that if it wasn’t stopped, it would incinerate the entire course, along with his friends. Before the Banzai Bill could launch, Spike tossed a second Red Spiny at its other eye. “Hey, man! Why doncha’ pick on someone one-tenth your own size?”

The Banzai Bill shivered, going bug-eyed, then fixing its gaze on Spike, slowly adjusted its aim to point at him. Spike flailed his arms and flew in zig-zags. Unlike Parakoopas, who could fly like falcons, Lakitu clouds fly more like bumble bees. Spike knew he was outclassed. “Or what about a peaceful resolution? You know, I was a bad guy once! But if you ask me, people can change, if–”

The Banzai Bill smashed into Spike again. Spike’s serpentine maneuvers bought him just enough time to roll with the hit and suffer another glancing blow, but it was still the third-hardest hit Spike had ever felt. The second-hardest had been delivered earlier today by Bowser’s crown-headbutt attack.

But the single hardest hit Spike had ever felt in his entire life…had been delivered by Mario.

Spike’s ears were ringing. Piff the Puff’s eyes were rolling like spirals. 

He heard Parakarry’s voice echoing in the distance, followed by another explosion of steel. “Good! Juuuuuust liiiiiike thaaaaaat!”

As his earlier concussion flared up, Spike saw the Banzai Bill coming in for the kill. 

And then the strangest thing happened: Spike’s life flashed before his eyes. Yes, that’s a thing that really happens. It’s not just an excuse for the scriptwriters to cram in an emotionally touching flashback sequence.

For example, Spike remembered all the work he put into choosing his cool new nicknames over the years. He remembered getting into fights at school, despite his girlfriend’s pleas that he go to college. Then, “Big Boss” Huff N. Puff had offered him a job: a purpose. Sure, Huff N. Puff’s plan to cover the world with clouds through the power of the Puff Puff Machine, and destroy all flowers, didn’t make much sense to Spike, but fighting for the Boss had given him a sense of purpose. Then, one day, Spike had been given a special assignment: to rough up some do-gooder who was meddling in Flower Fields. Huff N. Puff didn’t tolerate unwelcome guests on his turf.

Ignoring the adorable cries of his main squeeze, the lovely Lakilulu, Spike had applied extra hair gel, donned his slickest shades, and practiced his dramatic introduction speech, using his coolest new nickname yet: Spike…the Lakitu!

Then he had set up an ambush near the Puff Puff Machine, waiting for his target to come to him. It was the perfect plan! But he couldn’t bear the idea of just raining down Red Spinies from on high to snipe his target from afar. No, Spike loved a good scrap too much.

Finally, Spike spotted a short, fat, ruggedly-handsome man with a curly black mustache, wearing a bright red hat and royal blue overalls, and guessed it might be this Mario character he was ordered to take out of commission.

Spike flew to block Mario’s path. “Hey, man! I don't think we've ever met, have we? I mean, you're Mario, right?”

Mario said nothing.

Spike spun a Red Spiny on his index finger like a basketball, then fumbled it. “My name is Lakilester... Er, no, it's Michael... No, um...Oh, yeah... Spike. Yeah yeah, I'm Spike…” 

Mario said nothing.

Spike slicked back his hair. “Well, whatever. Never mind. Look, I don't have a problem with you personally, but I've got orders from Huff N. Puff. Sorry, man, but I have to give you a bit of a beat down. Like I  said, man, sorry! (...Did I sound cool?)”

Mario said nothing.

Spike cracked his knuckles, then pulled out a Red Spiny to attack. “(Ha... Yeah, totally cool!) Here it comes, man!!”

Spike pitched the Red Spiny at Mario’s face with a 90-mile-per-hour fastball pitch, only for Mario to produce a Hammer from his belt and swing it like a homerun derby slugger. The red spiny came spiraling back into Spike’s face. As Spike scrambled to catch his sunglasses, Mario leapt into the sky and kicked Spike off his cloud. And that was the hardest Spike had ever been hit in his entire life.

Spike had laid on the ground, defeated. He begged Mario to finish him off quickly, or do whatever it was Mario does to his defeated enemies in a game rated E for Everyone.

Before Mario could finish Spike off, they both heard a beautiful voice calling. 

“Wait!!!!!”

“Aw no, Lakilulu!!”

The lovely Lakilulu arrived, riding her pink cloud. “No! Please! Please have mercy on my poor, sweet Lakilester!”

Spike groaned. “Aw, don't call me Lakilester! It's Spike, remember? I told you I changed my name last month! C'mon now! Man... I mean, gee whiz... You're always embarrassing me like this...Although...for some reason it makes me like you even more...I mean, what? No!! Did I say that out loud? Forget that I said that! ...Anyway! I lost a challenge man-to-man, so we have to settle this. I have to face the music.”

Lakilulu held up her hands, her eyes brimming with tears. “Mario, please forgive him! My Lakilester was just following Huff N. Puff's orders!”

Mario had paused, stroking his chin. “Hmmm….Nah!”

Lakilulu threw a red spiny at Mario’s nose. “Ow! I was kidding! Of course I’ll forgive him!”

As she dropped the second Red Spiny she had been aiming at Mario’s face, Lakilulu squealed with delight. “Really!? Oh, for real? You'll forgive him? Oh, thank you!”

Spike picked himself back up. “Stop calling me Lakilester! It's such a stupid name! My name is Spike! SPIKE! Don't you ever listen to me? Sigh……I'm beginning to think that this whole deal is  stupid. I was working for Huff N. Puff to be a part of something big, but all I've been doing is picking pointless fights...This isn't what I wanted in life. What I wanted was….Hey, man. I've got a question…What in the world are you doing all this fighting for?”

…

“Piff puff!” squeaked Spike’s cloud. As Spike fought to stay conscious, the Banzai Bill kicked into second gear. Spike couldn’t get out of the way fully, but he wouldn’t go down easy. He had something to fight for. Twisting to fly Piff in a tight spiral, Spike rolled to let his shell take the brunt of the impact, and heard a crack. Then he piloted Piff in a helicopter tail maneuver to keep his eye on the Banzai Bill, which was already preparing its next attack. “Parakarry? How long do I have to distract–”

Parakarry snatched Spike into a hug as he dove like a hawk, shoving him out of the path of the incoming Banzai Bill. The two Banzai Bills smashed into each other and exploded, ripping apart most of World 8-3 beneath them. Parakarry had to go into a swan dive to escape the explosion, then pulled up to spot Mario and the others, dodging flying debris and question mark blocks. 

Spike felt something smack into his face, and saw a Fire Flower floating into nothingness. “Fire Flower? Fire Flower!” 

Pulling a fishing rod out of his cloud, Spike cast his line and caught the power up, reeling it in. “Want! Need!”

Parakarry pointed toward the ground. “There they are! And there’s Ms. Mowz! She’s alive!”

The Koopas had barrelled through the line of Hammerhead Bros, and they were all racing toward the stone steps that lead to the final flag goal post.

Ms. Mowz waved her own flag to get their attention. She’d kept the one she’d snatched earlier…as a keepsake.

Mario spotted her and hopped off Kooper’s back to scoop her up, then he raced to catch up with the others as they leapt across the bottomless pit toward the final fortress. 

Spike held up the fireflower. “Mario!”

As Mario dove over the flagpole and toward the fortress, he held out his hand, and Spike and Mario gave each other a sick mid-air high five. As Parakarry and Spike helped bring Mario and Ms. Mowz in for a soft landing, the power of the Fire Flower began to course through Mario. His hat and shirt turned white, his overalls glowed blood red, and fire seemed to radiate from his eyes.

Princess Daisy flashed two thumbs up, still balancing an unconscious Luigi in her arms. “Good work, everyone. Parakarry, Spike, that was a slick save.”

Parakarry rubbed the back of his head. 

Spike shrugged. “Eh, call me Lakilester. Friends call me Lakilster.”

A ball of flame engulfed Mario’s fist as he stepped on the first stone step that led up to the interior of the final fortress. “Let’s-a go!”

[End of Chapter XVI]

Acknowledgements

Special thanks to my supporters on Patreon and Ko-fi. 

You are helping me commission artists and do more creative work!

Adam-12

Anonymous

K. R. R. Smisk