Mario, Pauline, and Donkey Kong in: The Great Ape Escape! Chapter 2
Mario, Pauline, and Donkey Kong in: The Great Ape Escape! Chapter 2: Jumpman vs. Nature
50 meters above the gathering crowd, the flying oil barrel slammed against a button connected to a set of conveyor belts. The button was smashed into a mess of sparking wires and broken plastic, but not before activating the conveyor belt apparatus. Below, dozens of trays full of gold foil, which the young, rising business magnate Donald Trump had planned to decorate his magnificent new Trump Tower, were carried along the conveyor belts, before tumbling over the edge of the belt into nothingness. The oil barrel now looked like a mortally wounded animal, leaking black crude profusely. The oil dripped down and caught the end of a cigarette a construction worker had left for later, but had also forgotten to snuff out. The barrel rolled over the edge of the belt, landing neatly on top of a mesh of metal wire the construction team had placed to catch falling workers, then caught on fire. As globs of burning oil were sent flying in every direction, and started leaking out of the fiery barrel, they seemed to grin with wicked delight, like fireflies.
…
Mario was lucky enough to smack against a ladder, knocking the wind out of him, but also saving him from hurtling to his doom. Donkey Kong and Pauline were even luckier: just as they peaked at the top of their flight, they landed on a long platform 20 meters above Mario, rolling over one another before coming to a graceful halt. A 10-point landing! Pauline clung tightly to Donkey Kong, before remembering she was furious at the brute. “Let me go! Shame on you!
Slapping Donkey Kong sharply across the face, Pauline stumbled to peek over the edge of the platform, and sighed with relief as she saw Mario wave at her, before realizing dozens of balls of fire were dropping from the flaming barrel of oil above him. Pauline beamed. With all her heart, she knew that such obstacles were trivialities to a man of Mario’s mettle!
Behind her, Donkey Kong rubbed his stinging cheek, steam billowing from his ears. The sight of Pauline’s perky, red-skirted apple-bottomed posterior, made the King of the Kongs want to beat her buns like a pair of bongos. But the ape controlled his rage. In his gorilla language, he thought to himself, “No. Must resist urge to spank wife. Must be good father, for Donkey Kong Junior’s sake, and get good woman to be Mama Kong! First, get married, then spank wife.”
Pauline looked over her shoulder. Sensing that her backside was being inspected closely, she placed a hand over her bottom. Pauline now knew that she was hopelessly outmatched by the muscle-bound brute. Her feminist girl power could do nothing to save her. In her heart of hearts, Pauline knew that she needed Mario to save her, and believed with all her might that Mario surely would save her. But that didn’t mean she had to wait around and do nothing. Pauline smiled to herself. “Being a stupid, selfish, spoiled little brat got me into this fix. But maybe being a cunning, selfish, spoiled little brat can get me out!”
Pauline rolled her eyes and pouted. “Oh, Donkey Kong, really, you can’t take a girl out to a construction site on a first date. And where are we going to go once we reach the top? Really, if you had any brains, you’d help us both get back down, and get me a bouquet of flowers. Then we can discuss the future of this relationship like two adults.”
Pauline didn’t think the gorilla could understand her. She only hoped that he might understand the attitude behind her words, and decide she was too high-maintenance to be wife material. Or at least distract him long enough for Mario to arrive. However, Donkey Kong understood every word, having learned excellent English after many years of watching television with Donkey Kong Junior at the zoo.
“Ook roowee? Oop haka hoo? Kong wee wee!” [Translation: “Oh really? You mean it? Donkey Kong so happy!”]
Gently, Donkey Kong scooped Pauline up by the armpits and set her high on a narrow ledge. “Boo-koo oomf ook dum dum! Oomfie dooko ook, eek Kong tum tum bum bum!” [Translation: “But wife still in big trouble. Wife sit in time out, or Kong spank!”]
With no way down, Pauline clutched the ledge, pulling her knees tight against her chest. A chill traveled up her spine as she pressed her glutes tight against the cool steel.
Mario appeared at the edge of the ledge. Donkey Kong held his head low at the sight of his enemy, and began to drum the ground ominously. “Garoo, garook! Kong goo-roo foom foom!” [Translation: “Behold! The mighty Donkey Kong knows the secret of red flower!”]
Donkey Kong raised his arms, willing for the thunder gods in the sky to gift him with the power of fire, as they had once done for him on Kong Island when he called upon them, before the bad men with nets and cages came hunting for him and Junior.
Below them, the last drop from the depleted barrel of oil drizzled and fell to the floor below, landing on a single drum of oil, which had been left uncapped by mistake. With a mighty explosion, flames erupted into the sky, and a hunk of twisted metal landed directly between Donkey Kong and Mario. Startled, Mario halted his charge and fell back, rolling to put out the flames. Donkey Kong flashed all his teeth in a joyful smile. The fire gods had heard his prayer! “That trick always work!” thought Donkey Kong.
Spotting a ladder, Donkey Kong scurried up it. Pauline’s eyes went wide as Donkey Kong stretched to scoop her up off the ledge where she was serving her timeout, but there was nowhere to go. “Oh, dear! Please, don’t take me any higher! I have acrophobi-aaaaaaaaah!” Her purse slid off her smooth, bare shoulder.
Donkey Kong hummed as he felt the beautiful woman cling to his neck. Once he got to the top, the gods would hear his prayers, and bless his marriage to his new wife! Then he would rescue Junior from the bad men, introduce Mama Kong to their son, and they would all escape together back to Kong Island, where they would live happily ever after!
The purse landed on Mario’s arm as he struggled to put out the flames. Snatching it up, he slapped it against the oily droplets that clung to his red overalls and blue shirt, smothering the last few sparks. His mustache now slightly singed, Mario examined the lady’s purse. The clasp broke, and a makeup kit and locket fell out. Feeling guilty, Mario started to collect the lady's things back in the purse, when he noticed a family photo in the locket. Engraved on the back were the words: “To Pauline: Spin the wheel, take a chance! Every journey starts a new romance! Love, Mommy and Daddy.”
Mario put away the locket, determined to return the purse safely back to its owner, and deliver the owner safely back to her family. He had promised to walk her home, and he was a man of his word. Then he noticed a parasol in the purse. Mario grinned. “Perfetta!”
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