Bowsette’s Princess Lessons: Chapter X: Big Bertha Breaks Bad

 Bowser’s Princess Lessons: Chapter X: Big Bertha Breaks Bad By Yu May

It took Goombaria a few minutes to calm herself down, even with Toadette’s help. After Goombella fetched the ice and fan to cool down the Mario Maker 2, the image on the screen flickered back to life. “I can see them! They must have found a way to reach the cloud shortcut!”

Toadette stared at the screen in a daze. “But…Captain Toad isn’t with them.”

Goombario wiped the sweat from his brow as he finished installing the homebrew software. “Toadette, the Wii U is ready. Can you build us a map?”

Toadette didn’t even blink. “He’s gone…Captain Toad…he fell…”

Kooper grasped Toadette by the shoulders, gently, but firmly enough to snap her out of her daze. “No, I refuse to believe it. Captain Toad is a survivor. We have to act under the assumption that he is still alive. And even if I’m wrong, our friends are still counting on us. Princess Peach is counting on you, Toadette.”

Toadette shivered, then seemed to wake up. “You’re absolutely right. I’m sorry everyone. Let’s get this map ready to go.”

Goombella navigated to the map builder on the gamepad, before passing it to Toadette.  “It’s, like, just a straight shot, right? Assuming Kooper’s aim is totally perfect, that is!”

Toadette shook her head as she began constructing a map level on the smaller Mario Maker. “Not quite. The courses are arranged along a straight horizontal path, heading due east, but their vertical height varies. See those fortress walls? The path dips down toward the castle moat that protects Toad Town.”

“In that case, couldn’t our friends, like, just dive into the moat for safety?” asked Goombella.

“It’s still a 200 foot drop. That’s fatal, even when falling into a bed of water. Not to mention the moat is infested with territorial Bloopers and Cheep-Cheep. I’ll have to adjust the pathway I’m creating accordingly.”

“What happens if you’re off?” asked Kooper, looking up from his measurements.

“The Mario Maker won’t construct a map if it encounters a solid object as an obstacle. We’ll lose valuable time.”

“Time which we can’t spare. Here, take my notes on the obstacle course’s dimensions.” 

Toadette smiled as she took Kooper’s notes, still adjusting the custom map on the Wii U with her free hand. “Perfect…”

A few, surprisingly tense moments passed as Toadette tapped the screen with a stylus. “...There, it’s ready.”

Goombario squinted. “That fast? You’re sure it will work?”

Toadette crossed her arms, looking pleased with herself. “I’m positive. All I needed was a straight, brick pathway, with a few tweaks to the height at specific points, which I just double checked. You know what they say…”

Goombaria flashed a goofy grin. “All toasters toast toast?” 

Looking stern, Toadette put her hands on her hips. “No. ‘Measure twice, cut once.’”

Kooper chuckled, as adjusted the position of the Mario Maker 1 by a fraction of a millimeter, glancing at his compass. “Amen to that! The Mario Maker 1 is ready to go. We’ve only got one shot at this. So, please, no one touch it…or lean against the wall it’s sitting on…or sneeze in its general direction…”

Toadette pressed the confirmation button on the Wii U game pad, and the antique Mario Maker 1 buzzed to life, its decorative question marks glowing from within. Then it burst open, releasing a tornado of tiny specks that quickly grew to full-sized cubes of interconnected red bricks. Everyone ducked to the far side of the tower, watching the spectacle in awe. Goombaria peeked out nervously from behind her big brother, and saw the pathway steadily take shape, until it vanished behind the great fortress walls in the distance.

They watched in stunned silence, until Kooper clapped his hands together, looking devilishly pleased with his work. “Excellent! Goombario? After you, my jolly good fellow!”

Goombario glanced back at Kooper, and the two shared a knowing smile, like two brothers sharing a joke. “Ah! But Kooper, my testudinian companion, I must insist…age before beauty!” 

Goombaria harrumphed. “What are you silly boys talking about?”

Goombario stuck out his chest. “Kooper and I are going after Bowser to rescue our friends, of course!”

At this news, Goombaria was literally hopping mad. “What? And leave me here? Don’t you dare! I’ll tattle on you, mister!”

Goombario blushed, as his little sister successfully blew up his plans to look cool and heroic. “Goombaria, it’s my duty, as man!”

Goombaria pouted. “Well, then it’s my duty, too! I’m coming with you!”

Goombario spluttered. “I can’t bring my little sister into a battle!”

“Why not? You’re saying I can’t help, just because I’m a girl?”

Goombario was so momentarily devastated by this shocking accusation of sexism, he couldn’t speak. But before the argument could escalate, Goombella intervened, crouching low to speak with Goombaria at eye level. “No, Goombaria, that’s not what he’s trying to say. You’re his little sister, which means he feels responsible for you. It’s sort of like he made a promise to your mom and dad: to look after you, and make sure you come home safe. Isn’t that right, Goombario?”

Goombario had just enough time to think how, yes, that pretty much was what he was trying to say earlier, only expressed more eloquently. “Sure, if–”

He was just about to thank Goombella for helping him say what he was thinking, but Goombella didn’t pause long enough to give him time to say what he was thinking. “If Goombario lets you put yourself in danger, it’d be like he’s breaking his promise to your parents. You don’t want that, do you?”

Tears sprang to Goombaria’s eyes, “Well…no! But, if I can’t come…who will look after Goombario, and make sure he comes home safe?”

Goombella flashed a toothy grin. “I will, of course!”

Toadette snatched up a first aid kit and threw it over her shoulder. “I’m coming, too. I’m no fighter, but I know first aid. Kooper, Goombario, Goombella, you should know exactly what we’re walking into…”

Toadette gestured at the trembling, steaming remains of the Mario Maker 2. “This is life or death. Plan A is to get our friends onto the emergency escape path. But if that fails, for any reason, then the only way to escape this death trap is for everyone to reach the final level at the same time. If Bowser gets there first…it’s Game Over.”

The words “Game Over” seemed to hang in the air above their heads. 

Toadette hugged Goombaria. “Goombaria, you’ll have the most important job of all. Watch the screen, just like Princess Peach asked us to, and when you see we’ve all made it safely across the finish line, hit the emergency reset button again.”

Kooper flashed a thumbs up. “Near certainty of death…small chance of success…what are we waiting for? I’ll have to use my power shell to catch up with the others. Can you all Koopa surf?”

“I can,” said Toadette, as she scooped Goombella up with one arm.

“My stars! You’re, like…surprisingly strong, Toadette,” observed Goombella. 

Before Toadette could scoop up Goombario in her other arm, Goombaria grabbed onto him from behind. “I love you, Goombario.”

Goombario was desperately trying to not think about how he must look like a giant dork in front of everyone, but he accepted his little sister’s hug, then turned around to return her embrace. “I love you, times 2, Goombaria.”

Goombaria sniffled, and was tempted to argue with her brother further, but finally let him go. Toadette snatched up Goombario as easily as if he were a doll, and cradling both goombas in her arms, she lightly hopped onto Kooper’s back. With a whoosh Kooper propelled forward with his power shell technique. Toadette’s pink pigtails fluttered behind her as they rushed down the long path toward nothingness.

Goombaria took her station in front of the Mario Maker’s emergency switch. 

As she watched the screen flicker back to life, Goombaria whispered, “I love you times infinity, plus one, big brother.” 

…

“Bombette! Admiral Bobbery! Bowser’s trying to escape, and he broke something! The entire obstacle course is collapsing!” roared Luigi as he scooped up Bombette and Admiral Bobbery, and sprinted after Bowser.

Parakarry glided along-side them, his wings flapping like a hummingbird. “We’ve gotta’ stop Bowser before he reaches the Warp Zone in world 4-2, or all our friends are doomed!” 

Bombette winked. “Wow! Great recap, fellas! Now I’m all caught up on the action!” 

Luigi held up Bombette, looking at the perfectly-pink, perfectly spherical bob-bomb girl almost  apologetically. “Miss Bombette…may I have your permission to throw you? You know, like a bomb?”

“Oh, you want to use me as an improvised explosive device? I’m flattered! That’s the highest compliment you can pay to a Bob-Bomb! Of course, you have my permission! Chuck me right at that ne'er-do-well! But, please, give Admiral Bobbery some time to recover. I think he’s still a little rattled…”

Admiral Bobbery’s eyes spun dizzily as he sang to himself in a loopy voice. “Cause I’m T.N.T.! I’m dy-na-mite! T.N.T! And I’ll win the fight!”

Admiral Bobbery sang this particular song because he was extremely old; so very ancient, that he actually listened to 1970s rock songs growing up.

Before Admiral Bobbery could sing enough of the song to get us all sued, Luigi interrupted. “Got it! Admiral Bobbery needs time to recover. Get ready, Miss Bombette! Mario and I used to call this trick: ‘The Fastball Special’!”

As Luigi wound up his arm, leapt into the air, took aim at Bowser’s ample backside, and pitched Bombette like a fast ball, she exploded in fits of booming laughter. “Wheeee! Kah, ha, ha, hoo! I love this comic book stuff!”

Bowser felt the hairs on the back of his graceful, feminine neck stand on end. “Huh?” 

With a whack, Bombette came crashing to a halt against Bowser’s buttocks, before making her own dramatic explosion sound effect: “Ka-boom!”

Leaving behind a trail of smoke as he flew through the air, Bowser came rolling and skidding to a halt. “Argh! Why is it always my butt that gets hurt?” whined Bowser.

Bowser tensed as he saw Bombette whizzing into the sky, her squeal of delight sounding exactly like the whistle of a firework rocket, before crash landing on the brick stairway before the flag goal post. Luckily, Bob-bombs are never lastingly hurt by their own explosions. Not so luckily, Bower snapped out of feeling sorry for himself as he spotted the flag goalpost. “Yes! World 4-2! There’s another warp zone in there…somewhere. Just get there, and I can blow this popsicle stand!”

A shadow glided over Bower’s head as Luigi leapt up and through the air toward the flag, landing next to Bombette atop the stone staircase. Luigi set down Admiral Bobbery next to the swooning Bombette, then stood tall. 

For dramatic effect, Parakarry came soaring down, perching on Luigi’s outstretched arm like a loyal falcon returning to his falconeer. As the sun shone behind them, they both looked incredibly cool. Bowser held aloft a dainty hand to shield his eyes from the radiant light.

Luigi held up a defiant finger. “Not one more step, Bowser! If you want to escape, you’ll have to step over my dead body!”

Bowser snorted. “Deal.”

As his temper rose, Bowser tried to summon his classic fiery breath again, but as before, his body didn’t respond the way he expected. He felt the flames spark to life, but this time they gathered around his…feet? “Huh?”

A pillar of pink flame erupted from Bowser’s bare feet, blasting him into the air. Luigi could only gatch a glimpse of the sunlight, reflecting angrily across the rose gold surface of the Crown of Queen Toadstool, before Bowser crashed head first into Luigi’s stomach. Parakarry was left standing in midair, glancing down at the empty spot where Luigi had been only a moment before.

As the sharp points of the crown dug deep into his solar plexus, Luigi gagged. He felt the wind knocked out of his lungs, and with a poof, the magic of the fire flower dissipated. The force of the blast sent both combatants careening back toward the flagpole, which snapped cleanly in two as they ripped through it. As the flag fluttered to the ground like a dying bird, the Mario Maker’s computerized, stuttering voice echoed across the sky. “World 4-1 com-com-complete! World 4-2-2-2-loaded-2-2-2-2-2…”

…

Peach rifled through her fanny pack, and found the fire flower she had saved for emergencies. As she gripped the flower, it vanished with a poof, and her tennis outfit transformed to red and white. “Follow me! I’ll clear a path through the Cheep-Cheep! Mario, Spike, you provide a rear guard. Make sure no one gets left behind!”

Koops wheezed as he gave his darling Koopie-Koo a leg up the tall stairway. “We…koopas…will be just, um, fine…If we can just…get up these, er, stairs?”

After Mario and Spike helped both Koopas reach the top of the stairs, the entire group sprinted down the long, narrow, wooden bridgeway. Peach led the way, with Daisy close on her heels, still cradling the exhausted baby Yoshi. Koops and Koopie-Koo quickly caught up, using their power shells to glide weightlessly along the straight path. From the rear, Mario saw the first two Cheep-Cheep shooting into the air from the waters below to attack Peach, followed by four more, then eight. “Cheep! Cheep, Cheep! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!”

Peach threw fireballs as fast as she could, managing to knock out six of the first wave of foes. “Mrs. Sushie! Can you hear me? Call off the attack!” 

Daisy was forced to duck to avoid a Cheep-Cheep which dove at her face. Another Cheep-Cheep leapt high and spat a stream of steaming water like a bullet, which Koops and Koopie Koo both swerved to avoid. Spike threw the endless supply of red Spinies he kept stored inside his helpful cloud buddy, and managed to knock out a few more Cheep-Cheep before the last one latched to his face, smooching him furiously. He spluttered as he pulled away from the big-lipped fish. “Ugh! Cooties!”

There was a haunting silence as they all sprinted down the long, empty pathway. Then, an eerie melody began to build from below, and they knew the swarm had awakened: the cries of a thousand Cheep-Cheep built to a rumbling roar, and in a watery explosion, the second wave appeared. Eight attacked Princess Peach all at once, correctly identifying her as the primary threat, while another eight attacked randomly. Peach managed to blast aside half of her attackers, and side-stepped attacks from another four on all sides, but the last Cheep-Cheep aimed a bullet of water squarely at Peach’s chest, and with a poof, the magic of the fire flower was destroyed as it absorbed the lethal attack.

Mario ignored the stitch forming in his side as he sprinted to catch up. “Mrs. Sushie!”

There was an echoing explosion from all sides as 32 Cheep-Cheep dive bombed into the air. Koops and Koopie-Koo rocketed forward to knock aside two of the deadly flying fish blocking their path. Daisy shielded Gonzales Jr. against her chest as she leapt and ran zig-zags to avoid multiple streams of boiling water. Without the magic of the fire flower, Peach was now weaponless. Nevertheless, as Peach spotted a Cheep-Cheep launching itself at Daisy, she skidded to a halt and elbowed the enemy aside. With a high-pitched squeal, the Cheep-Cheep slapped Peach with its tail fin, knocking her to the ground. With a poof, the last of the magic power protecting the Princess was exhausted.

“Mrs. Sushie!” roared Mario. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted an incoming Cheep-Cheep, and recognized her voice.

“Mario!” cried Mrs. Sushie as she came in for a crash landing. She landed with a sharp bump, and immediately began hopping alongside Mario. “You’re in terrible danger!”

“Mrs. Sushie! The entire obstacle course is falling apart! The emergency system is dead!”

“What? That’s even more terrible danger!”

“You’ve gotta’ call off of this attack, right now!”

“I tried! That’s what I came to warn you about! These local Cheep-Cheeps are nuts! I don’t think they understand the concept of ‘pretend fighting’! And Big Bertha can’t seem to understand a word of my Jade Jungle dialect.”

Spike trembled as he heard the name of the legendary Queen of the Cheep-Cheeps. “...Big Bertha?”

A dense boom echoed across the plains of the Mushroom Kingdom. A wave of 64 Cheep-Cheeps attacked at once, and Mario instantly spotted “Big Bertha.” She was the size of a house, and her narrow eyes flashed behind a pair of triangular sunglasses. “CHEEP-CHEEP!” boomed the great fish, in a sonorous, reverberating voice. 

Then she easily knocked aside Spike as she smashed through the planks wooden bridge, separating Mario from the rest of the group ahead. 

Spike went into a death spiral, before deftly piloting his puff cloud to avoid crashing into the waters below. “Woo! I’m the Top Gun!” 

But before Spike could start playing Danger Zone on air guitar, another Cheep-Cheep flew at his face, and started kissing him passionately. “Agh! Not my perfect face!”

As Peach pulled herself back to her feet, she saw everything, her voice shaky as she cried. “Mario!”

Mario clenched his fists as he watched the wooden planks tumble away. “Do not stop, Princess! Get to safety!”

Mario couldn’t see the look of stubborn fury on Princess Peach’s face as she stood and charged back to help Mario. Daisy skidded to a halt, and reversed course. “Hey! What’re you doing, Peach? Mario says to keep running!”

“Last I checked, I’m the Crown Princess of Mushroom Kingdom, and I’m going to help Mario!”

“Well, last I checked, I’m the Crown Princess of Sarasaland, and I’m going to help you!”

“Daisy, you’re carrying a baby!”

Daisy skidded to a halt again. “Oh, yeah! Great argument, Peach. I’ll save Gonzales Jr. and you go save your man!” 

 

Peach’s face flushed. “My man?”

“Talk later!” cried Daisy over her shoulder as she sprinted back toward the flag goal post.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Sushie held up her fins, waving frantically at Big Bertha in her Jade-Jungle-Cheep-Cheep dialect.. “Cheep! Cheepi-cheep!” [Translation: “Stop! They’re friendly!”]

Big Bertha splashed back into the waters below, and reemerged, bellowing in her Mushroom-Kingdom-Cheep-Cheep dialect. “Cheep-cheep! Cheep, cheep cheep!” [Translation: “Attack! Kill the intruders!”]

As Big Bertha puffed up her cheeks, Mario knew she was preparing to fire a missile of water. Ignoring the broken bridge, Mario leapt forward to grab one of the rope handles, which were still intact. The stream of water ripped through the wooden planks where Mario had been standing a moment before, and he began to cross the expanse, putting one hand over the other. In the back of his mind, Mario knew that he was an easy target for Big Bertha. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel, except in this instance, the fish was doing the shooting.

Mrs. Sushie dove across the expanse, in a desperate attempt to distract the monstrous Big Bertha. “Cheep, cheepity-cheep!” [Translation: “No! He’s not your enemy!”] 

But her cheeps fell on deaf ears.

Big Bertha shot into the air, knocking aside Mrs. Sushie and snapping her jaws at Mario. Swinging like a trapeze artist, Mario dove for the suspension rope on the opposite side of the collapsing bridge, an instant before Big Bertha ripped through the first rope, snapping it in two. Mrs. Sushie tumbled, spiraling, to the river below. A ripple traveled through the wooden bridge as it lost half of its support, leaving Mario dangling by one hand.

Peach caught herself before the wooden planks fell away beneath her feet. “Mario! Take my hand!”

Mario’s face shone with relief, before he remembered that Peach had just put herself in more danger. “Princess! I told you to–!”

Big Bertha fired a jetstream of water, which tore through the wooden planks between Mario and Peach.

Peach shook her head as she gave Mario a hand up. “Talk later!”

The plucky plumber and the persistent princess both managed to inch forward a few feet before the river exploded below them and Big Bertha flew toward them, her jaws wide open to swallow them whole.

And they would have been swallowed whole, had Mrs. Sushie not shot out of the river to intercept Big Bertha in mid air, crashing into the great fish’s stomach. The impact threw off Big Bertha’s aim, and she sailed over Mario and Peach’s heads, snapping her buck teeth ferociously. 

As the two fish tumbled back toward the river, Mrs. Sushie shook her fin furiously in the larger fish’s face. “Cheepy-cheep-chippy-cheep-cheep!” [Translation: “Don’t you dare hurt those poor children!”] 

Big Bertha eyes blazed with righteous anger as her sunglasses went flying. “Cheep? Chee-peepy-cheep-peep-cheep? Cheep, cheep!” [Translation: “What? They want to hurt children? I’ll kill ‘em!”]

“Cheep! Cheep-cheepity-cheep, cheep-cheep!” [Translation: “Aw, fishsticks! If only we spoke the same language!”]

Mario and Peach saw Mrs. Sushie land safely back in the river, but knew they couldn’t dawdle. Thanks to the half-collapsed bridge, they were forced to sidestep along the rope, one agonizing step at a time. Mario glowered at Peach. “I told you to get to safety!”

Peach held her nose high, somehow managing to look like a monarch while also running for her life. “And I will, right after I get you to safety!”

“Princess, I can’t help you if you’re stopping me in the middle of the fight to argue about it!”

“I don’t want to stop you in the middle of a fight to have an argument. I want to help you! You’re the one who’s arguing!”

“What? I don’t want to argue with you either!”

“Well, then why don’t we stop arguing, Mario?”

“Because this is important! We need to have this argument–I mean–this discussion!”

“Couldn’t this…discussion wait until later, when we’re not in mortal peril?”

“That’s exactly why we need to hash this out! Because we’re in mortal peril, right now!”

Although they didn’t slow their pace for a moment during this argument/discussion, there was no hope of reaching the other side of the bridge before Big Bertha launched her next attack. This time, Big Bertha spiraled in midair to shake off Mrs. Sushie, who was clinging to her mohawk-shaped dorsal fin. 

“Cheep, cheep!” wailed Mrs. Sushie, in despair.

“CHEEP CHEEP!” roared Big Bertha, in fury.

Mario and Peach managed to avoid being swallowed whole by hopping a few feet to either side. Big Bertha ripped through the rope between them with such force, she snapped it in two and carried both Mario and Peach along with her, dangling by the torn remains of the rope bridge on either side. 

…

Fortunately for Princess Daisy, when she felt half of the bridge start to give out beneath her, Daisy caught herself, and had the sense to use her yellow sash as a makeshift baby carrier for Gonzales Jr.

Up ahead, Daisy saw that Koops and Koopie Koo had made it safely to the solid support platform that marked the halfway point across the moat. 

Glancing behind her, Daisy saw the monstrous Big Bertha tear through the final support rope, carrying her friends along for the ride.

With no supports left, the rope bridge began to collapse. Luckily, thanks to the laws of Newtonian physics, Daisy had a fraction of a second to act before the law of gravity took effect. If you’ve ever watched a slow motion video of a bridge demolition, you might have a sense of how slow time felt to Daisy as she wrapped one her arm around the rope, the other around the snoozing baby Yoshi, and braced herself to ride the wave. As the bridge gave out beneath her, she sailed through the air majestically, Tarzan-style. Less majestically, she crashed against the cliff face of the rocky platform, George-of-the-Jungle-style. Nevertheless, Daisy managed to twist in midair to let her back absorb the impact, shielding Gonzales Jr. “Yow! Ow, ow, ow! …Man, having a baby is a lot of work!” 

Daisy’s eyes popped open in horror as she spotted Mario and Peach, both free falling as Big Bertha twisted in mid air to shake them loose from the rope. “Mario! Peach!”

They were several hundred feet above the waters below. Only a Cheep-Cheep could withstand such a fall. 

Then, Daisy saw a shining behind the fortress walls of Toad Town, and a tornado of red bricks began to shape themselves into a floating road, like a scroll being unrolled across the sky. 

…

Just as Mario and Peach reached the crest of their flight, the road flew into place ahead and beneath them, just in time! 

Even so, their landing was rough. Big Bertha clipped against the far edge of the road, ripping off a small segment in the shape of her massive stomach. The monstrous fish bellowed with pain as it twisted and tumbled back down to the waters, the remains of the rope bridge spiraling wildly across her body. Mario and Peach came rolling to a stop along the flying road, catching themselves before they could topple off the other side.

Peach winced as she picked herself back up. “Ooh, I’m definitely going to feel that in the morning!”

Mario did a double take as he realized he was still alive. “Another road? Who could have–”

They glimpsed a flash of a blue Koopa shell, as Kooper flew over the fortress walls, Toadette gracefully riding on his back. Although she was clearly terrified, Toadette managed to keep a firm hold on Goombella and Goombario. All three clenched their teeth as the wind made their cheeks wobble wildly. Toadette skipped lightly off of Kooper’s back, and the adventurous Koopa flashed a winning grin as he emerged from his shell. “Success! Mario, let’s get the others back to safe–”

Behind them, Big Bertha smashed through the newly created path, one fin pinned against her side as she struggled to break free of the ropes that restrained her. “CHEEP CHEEP!” [Translation: “Death to the interlopers!”]

…

Daisy heaved a sigh of relief, then tightened her grip on the rope. “They made it! Now, I just gotta do a little rope climbing! Good thing I aced P.E. at Princess Academy!”

But as Daisy twisted around to secure her feet against the cliff wall, she felt her makeshift baby carrier go slack, and instinctively gripped Gonzales Jr. tightly against her breast. “Oh no! I suck at taking care of babies! Why, oh why, didn’t I pay more attention during Home Ec. at Princess Academy?!?”

“I gotcha’ covered, Princess Daisy!” roared Koops, as he took hold of the rope, and began to lift them up steadily. 

Koopie-Koo resisted the urge to swoon as she watched Koops’ biceps ripple from the exertion. “This…is why…I started…lifting…weights!”

…

Thanks to the damage left by Big Bertha, retreating back to safety along the new path created by the rescue team was now impossible. 

Goombario scowled as he wriggled free of Toadette’s tight grip. “Plan A is out! Plan B is to get everyone onto the new path, then it’s a cake walk forward to the finish line.”

Mario gave Goombario a thumbs up. “Great work! You all escort Peach and Daisy to safety. I’m going after Luigi and Bowser.”

Peach rarely lost her temper. But whenever she got heated, her “regal queen voice” betrayed her hidden rage. “Oh, no you don’t, Mario! Bowser is my responsibility. I forbid you from going after him alone!”

“See, this is exactly why I said we needed to have this argument earlier! You’re the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, Peach. You can’t afford to risk your life!”

“I most certainly am the Crown Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, which means my life is in service to my subjects! Bowser is a threat to my people!”

Goombario was completely lost. “Um, Mario? Princess?”

Peach held up a finger. “Mr. Goombario, I apologize, but Mario and I need to finish our discussion.”

Goombario nodded his head. “Oh, you got it, um…”

An instant before Big Bertha could barrel through the brick pathway and send them all hurtling to their deaths, Mrs. Sushie slammed into the monster’s side to knock her off course. The two furious flying fish continued their argument in the Cheep-Cheep language until they splashed back down into the raging river.

Goombella decided a little tact was in order. “Goombario, I think Mario and Peach could use a little privacy. Why don’t we run for our lives back there for a bit, so they can have a few moments of peace and quiet while they run for their lives up ahead?”

Goombario nodded as he and Goombella slowed their pace slightly to let Mario and Peach pull ahead. “Great idea, Goombella. You know, you’re surprisingly considerate.”

“Whaddaya’ mean I’m surprisingly considerate? What’s so freakin’ surprising about me being considerate?”

“I just meant, ya’ know, based on my first impression of you, I didn’t take you to be such a socially gracious person. But now–”

“Not socially gracious? Based on what? You were the one who called me ‘Mario’s other Goomba’ when we first met! You think I didn’t hear that little gem?”

“That wasn’t directed at you! I was annoyed at Mario because–”

“By what possible logic could that comment not be directed at me?”

As the argument between Mario and Peach, and between Goombario and Goombella built to a crescendo, Kooper and Toadette glanced over their shoulder to see Mrs. Sushie and Big Bertha tearing out another chunk of the brick road behind them as they continued their furious mid-air battle.

Kooper glanced at Toadette. “Toadette, I think Goombario and Goombella could use a little privacy. Why don’t we run for our lives back there for a bit, so they can have a few moments of peace and quiet while they run for their lives up ahead?”

Toadette smiled sweetly. “Great idea, Kooper!”

After they casually backed up a few feet, they resumed running for their lives at a brisk, steady pace. Kooper whistled casually. “So, how’s your week going?”

Toadette shrugged. “Oh, you know, typical Monday.”

…

Goombario snarled as the argument circled back to the disastrous occasion when Mario had first introduced him to Goombella. “Look, that was ages ago! I barely even remember what I said!”

Goombella shook her blond ponytail with a flick. “Well, you may not remember it, but I most certainly do, and it was hurtful!”

Goombario glowered at Goombaria, snapping back hotly, but without sarcasm. “Well, then I’m sorry for hurting your feelings!”

Goombaria flashed her teeth as she answered with equal furious sincerity. “I accept your apology!”

“Thank you! Now, while we’re on the subject of hurt feelings, maybe you should learn to accept a compliment, rather than jump down my throat!”

Goombella pressed her face close to Goombario as she shouted in his ear. “You’re absolutely right! I have a tendency to get hot under the collar and talk over people. It’s a weakness in my character, and I should have been more considerate of your own feelings! I apologize!”

Goombario pressed even closer to Goombella as he shouted right back. “Well, don’t worry! I forgive you!”

Mishearing, Goombella huffed, as if Goombario had just responded rudely, before realizing what he’d just said. “Fine! Be that way! In that case–wait, you’re forgiving me? Just like that?”

Goombario faltered as he struggled to remember why they had been arguing in the first place. “Well, yeah. You forgave me, after all. Then I guess…we’re cool now?” 

“Yeah, we’re totally cool! What we’re we talking about, before we–”

Behind them, Big Bertha bodily tackled Mrs. Sushie through the brick pathway, before Mrs. Sushie shot a bullet of water into the monstrous fish’s eye and dove back into the river to prepare her next attack. Toadetee and Kooper lightly stepped around the crumbling debris, chatting amiably as a chunk of the road collapsed behind them. 

“Aaargh! Run for your life!” wailed Goombario and Goombella, to each other.

…

Mario was painfully silent. Peach took a deep breath to calm her nerves. “I am Princess Toadstool, rightful heir to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom. I will not be bossed around, Sir Mario.”

“Look, Peach–”

Princess Peach put on her brattiest “polite princess” face. “‘Princess Toadstool,’ would be the proper way to address me, under rules of courtly etiquette.”

“Well, lucky we’re not stuck in the royal court, Peach. And I’m not your servant. I’m not even a knight in your army. I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.”

“Then why do you fight as a champion of the Mushroom Kingdom, Mario? I don’t understand it. My father has offered you lands and titles as rewards for your efforts, and you turn him down, time and time again. Why do you fight for us?”

“Because when I first fell into your world through the warp pipe, I promised your father that I’d get you back home, safe and sound. I didn’t vow to serve and protect the Mushroom Kingdom. I didn’t even vow to serve and protect the Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. I promised him that I would protect his daughter, until she became the rightful Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom. And I’m a man of my word.”

“That was years ago! You’ve fulfilled that promise, time and time again!”

“Not yet, I haven’t. I’m getting you home safe, and that’s that.”

“I’m never safe, Mario! Perfect safety is not a luxury that Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom ever gets to enjoy! Bowser’s always preparing his next attack, and any time we beat him back, some other would-be tyrant pops up to take his place.”

“Which is exactly why your people need you, Princess. So when I tell you to leave me behind, and save yourself, you don’t have the luxury of throwing your life away, just to try and save mine.”

“I wasn’t trying to throw my life away! I was trying to help you, and you needed my help, Mario! I…I care about you! You’re…my best friend…”

Peach winced as she said the word, “friend.” It was true, in a way, Mario was her best friend. But Daisy was also Peach’s best friend, in another way. She even thought of Luigi as a “best friend,” far more than an ordinary friend. But as said the word, “friend,” she remembered Bowser’s taunting words in the prison cell.

Mario missed the pain on Peach’s face as he fought to catch his breath. He was genuinely touched to hear Peach call him her best friend. “And you’re mine. But Luigi is my brother. I’m responsible for him, just like you’re responsible for your subjects.”

Peach took another calming breath as she realized they had come to the crux of their disagreement. “So, your augment would be: it’s not that you think I’m incapable, or would just get in your way. But, as a Princess, I have a higher moral obligation to preserve my own life, for the sake of my people?”

“Yes! Exactly!”

Peach beamed, happy to discover that Mario didn’t think poorly of her. “That is truly a noble sentiment, Mario. But a Princess also has an obligation to lay down her life, if necessary, to protect her people. I’m perfectly aware of the risk I’m taking. But I would rather die fighting to stop the King of the Koopas from threatening my people, than live knowing I could have done something to stop him, and failed to do so. As soon as we catch up to Daisy and the others, I plan to rejoin them, and capture Bowser. I can only implore you to help me.”

Mario ripped his hat off his head and shook it. “You are as stubborn as an…ah…as a mule, Princess!”

“Thank you. It’s part of the job description.”

Mario snorted as he slammed his hat back down on his own head. “Then we’re at an impasse. You don’t take orders from me, and I don’t take orders from you.”

“Are we? I think you made an excellent point, Mario. You have far more experience fighting than I do. When we come to Luigi’s aid, I’m willing to grant you full tactical command of the mission to intercept Bowser, if you choose to accept it.”

“Full tactical command, huh? So, hypothetically speaking, if the tactical commander gave a princess an order to flee and save herself, while the tactical commander stayed behind to hold off the enemy, what should a princess do in that situation?”

Peach stiffened as she felt the prongs of her own argument coming back to bite her. “In that hypothetical situation, I would obey you, Mario, without question, and without hesitation, on one condition…”

“Name it.”

“That you won’t throw your life away, either.”

“I can’t promise you that I won’t die, Princess. I have to do what it takes to stop Bowser.”

“No, not that. I know you’re prepared to lay down your life, but this is different. You asked me not to throw my life away, just to save yours. Please, Mario, don’t throw your life away, just to save mine.”

Mario considered his answer carefully. “My plan is to get everyone home, safe and sound. I won’t throw my life away for nothing.”

“Promise?”

“You have my word, Princess.”

Peach beamed. “See? You were right all along! I’m so glad we had this discussion!”

But in the river below, Big Bertha was lurking, readying to pounce. Mrs. Sushie blew bubbles in a final, futile effort to sue for peace, before Big Bertha propelled herself into the sky. This time, she aimed at a low, forward angle, so that she could catch up with her fleeing prey.

The moment that Mario and Peach settled their gentle disagreement, the gigantic Cheep-Cheep whizzed past them, her one free fin just grazing across Peach’s cheek, before Big Bertha crashed skidding into the path ahead of them, sending chunks of brick flying. 

They were cut off from the path to safety!

Big Bertha rounded on them, the rope tangling more tightly around her with every frantic motion. “CHEEP CHEEP!”

Mrs. Sushie flew up to join Mario and Peach shaking her head. “It’s no use! She either doesn’t understand what I’m saying, or doesn’t care!”

Daisy’s voice echoed from across the short distance between the two paths. “Peach! Over here!”

Fortunately, Toadette and Kooper had nailed their design for the emergency pathway. Everyone could manage the leap across the chasm to the platform. As Big Bertha continued to smash and destroy the emergency pathway in a blind rage, Mario and friends wasted no time darting across the second wooden bridge, the flag directly ahead of them. Behind them, the broken remains of the bridge began to shiver and float into the sky. Bertha had smashed it the old fashioned way, but now the Mario Maker was recycling the parts to assemble the next level. 

Daisy groaned. “I thought we bought some time earlier with all that Koopa Surfin’ and Lakitu Lighting Speed business!”

Spike the Lakitu arose from below, finally pulling himself free from the kissy-faced fish. “Pwah! Heard my name mentioned? What’d I miss?”

Mario pointed a finger toward Big Bertha and barked. “Spike! Mrs. Sushie is fighting that monster all alone! Go back her up!”

Spike saluted as he zoomed to the rescue. “Aye, aye, sir!”

Mario gestured to the three Koopas in turn. “Koops, Koopie-Koo, Kooper, we’ve got a straight shot. Can you pull off another power shell?”

Kooper flashed two big thumbs-up. “Can do!”

“Oh, no, not again!” whined Peach, her stomach already churning at the thought.

“That’s an order, Princess!”

Peach scrunched up her face as she saluted, then dove into Mario’s arms. “Aye, aye, siiirrrr–”

Her last word trailed away as Mario leapt up onto Kooper’s shell to surf across the bridge. Peach clung to him tightly, praying she wouldn’t barf on Mario’s shoulder.

Meanwhile, Spike soared down to meet Mrs. Sushie, readying another red Spiny to throw at the monstrous Big Bertha. “Fear not, Mrs. Sushie!”

Mrs. Sushie held up both her fins. “No! Please, don’t hurt her! She’s confused! She thinks Mario and the others are trying to hurt her friends!”

Spike fumbled the red spiny, then sheepishly hid it inside his flying cloud storage system. “Well, could you ask her to stop trying to hurt our friends?”

“I’m trying, but she–”

Calling like a mother bird for her chicks, Big Bertha flailed wildly to free herself of the tangled web of rope that bound her. Her tail fin caught Mrs. Sushie across the back, knocking her unconscious and sending her spinning off the floating road. Spike panicked as he saw Mrs. Sushie’s body go limp, and dove to rescue his old friend.

Gasping for air, Big Bertha launched herself blindly toward her enemies. But in her pain and confusion, her aim was wildly off. Just as Mario arrived safely at the base of the stone steps that led to the goalpost. Big Bertha smashed face-first into the cliffside behind them. Her whale-like song echoed piteously across the waters. Looking up at the little red enemy, Big Bertha gurgled. “CHEEP…CHEEP!” [Translation: “Don’t hurt…my children!”]

While all Cheep-Cheep possess a remarkable ability to survive outside of water, only the purple Cheep-Cheep of Jade Jungle are truly amphibious. Mrs. Sushie could breathe air indefinitely, as long as she returned to water before drying out, but Big Bertha only had gills. As the monstrous fish laid her head back, she felt her gills dry out, and her head swam. This was the end. She had failed to protect her school.

Then, Big Bertha felt the rope around her neck go slack and fall away. She felt the hands of several little enemies pressing against her. “Cheep…cheep?”

“This one’s too small. Gotta let her go back to the pond! C’mon, everyone! Push!”

As the last of the ropes went slack, Big Bertha twisted, and saw the little red enemy and the little pink enemy pushing her toward the river. She heard them chant a word she did not understand. “Together!”

Big Bertha saw the sky spinning around her, then felt the water as she splashed back into the river. Big Bertha did not know what the word “Water” meant. But she knew she knew she was home, and that the enemies had saved her.

…

Spike caught Mrs. Sushie and pulled out of his swan dive, sending a ripple across the surface of the deadly waters in a rush of wind. “Wooo, yeah!”

As droplets of water sprinkled her face, Mrs. Sushie awoke. “Lakilester? You saved me, dearie!”

“You’re welcome, Ma’am…um, I prefer the name ‘Spike,’ ya know, especially when we’re adventuring.” 

“But Lakilester is such a dignified name. You should wear it with pride!”

Spike spotted a massive pair of triangular sunglasses floating along the river. “Oh, sick! Dibs on the shades!”

Mrs. Sushie scowled ruefully. “Careful, I think those are Big Berthas.”

Spike smirked as he held the sunglasses up to his head. They were longer than the length of his entire body. “Finders keepers, losers weepers…”

“Must you insist on wearing sunglasses all the time, Spike, honey? You have such beautiful eyes, you know.”

Spike blushed, then tucked the massive sunglasses away into his seemingly infinite cloud storage system. “Hmm, a little big for me, but they’re just too cool to pass up. This will make a fine addition to my…collection!”

[End of Chapter X]

Acknowledgements

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Anonymous

K. R. R. Smisk