Bowsette’s Princess Lessons: Chapter VI: Back to (The Old) School!

 Bowsette’s Princess Lessons: 

Chapter VI: Back to (The Old) School!

By Yu May

As Mario’s friends took their places on the obstacle course, Bowser stretched his legs, oblivious to the fact that his new breasts and buttocks were both straining dangerously against the fabric of his black ball-room gown. 

Peach whispered in Daisy’s ear. “Do you think we should offer him one of our tennis outfits?”

Daisy stretched her shoulders as she considered the idea. “We’ve run this obstacle course in our ballroom gowns before! If he wants to borrow one of my outfits, let him ask politely…then I can say no!”

“Daisy, remember Princess Academy! Hospitality is a virtue!”

“Yes, and so is justice. I get we’re trying to be nice to Bowser, but you don’t have to baby him.”

“C’mon! What’s the hold up?” whined Bowser, as he did butt-kicks, his dress doing nothing to stop his melon-sized breasts from bouncing feely.

Luigi cleared his throat as he tried not to look at anything below Bowser’s neckline. “Say, wasn’t Bowser’s hair blond last night? Why is he a ginger now?”

Toadette squeaked. “You’re right, Luigi. I thought something was strange about Bowser this morning, but I couldn’t put my finger on it! Sometimes he’s blond, and sometimes he’s a red-head!”

Daisy shrugged. “So what? Sometimes Peach is blond, and sometimes Peach is a red-head!”

Mario chuckled. “I remember that. The first time I met you, Peach, your hair was as red as my hat!”

Peach blushed at the memory. During her final year at Princess academy, she’d dyed her hair bright red on a dare (against her father’s wishes) before Bowser had kidnapped her for the very first time. No sooner had Mario rescued Peach and returned her safely home, then King Toadstool noticed, and immediately fulfilled his promise to spank her. By the end of her ordeal, Peach’s backside shone as red as her hair. Afterwards, she had rather wisely allowed her hair to return to its natural, peachy, strawberry-blond color.

“But, Daisy I dyed my hair. Bowser hasn’t had a chance to do that?”

Daisy had a moment of dawning comprehension. “Oh! You guys are right! That is weird!”

Captain Toad hummed. “Come to think of it, I’m sure I saw Bowser’s hair change colors this morning, while I was watching her…erm, him!”

Toadette played with one of her ponytails. “Maybe it’s an effect of the crown? When he first showed up, he looked just like you, Princess Peach, but now he looks more like himself? Could its power be fading?”

Peach sighed. “I wish I knew! We just don’t know enough about how the crown works, so we can only guess. Hopefully the archaeology team can dig something–”

“Is this a workout session, or a lady’s gossip circle?” roared Bowser, as he jogged in place. With every kick of his shapely legs, Bowser provided a brief glimpse of his heart-covered men’s boxers.

Peach straightened up from the group-huddle to look Bowser in the eye. “We have to give Mario’s friends time to get in place, Bowser. Be patient!”

Bowser’s only answer was to harrumph, then start doing bicycle kicks, the skirt of his dress no longer doing anything to hide his supple thighs.

Peach felt something nudge her, and looked down to find little Goombaria, pouting. “Princess Peach! Won’t you please let me play with you guys? Pretty please!”

“I’m sorry Goombaria, but this is a pretty rough-and-tumble game. It’s easy to get hurt.”

“But you’re letting Watt play, and she’s younger than me!” whined Goombaria.

Mario shook his head. “Watt’s a Sparkie, Goombaria. She’s completely invincible, but you’re not. Your parents would never forgive me if I let any harm come to you!”

Goombaria sighed. Her orange hair bow seemed to be wilting. “I understand, Mr. Mario. I’m disappointed, but I’ll obey…”

Peach patted Goombaria on the head. “Thank you, Goombaria. I promise to run the obstacle course with you later to make up for it. You don’t need a babysitter, but someone else does!” 

Peach nodded her head towards Bowser, hoping Goombaria would catch the hint.

Noticing Peach’s gesture, Goombaria nodded obediently. Then she winked slyly. “Which reminds me! Goombario is sleeping in, along with Goombella and Kooper. But Goombario told me he wants to tell you about his history project as soon as possible!”

Peach beamed. “Thank you, Goombaria!”

Bowser rolled his eyes. “History? What a bunch of nerds!”

Peach glanced at the control panel for the Mario Maker, and a lightbulb appeared over her head. “Say, Goombaria! I need someone I can trust for an important mission. Who would you recommend?”

Goombaria hopped in place, raising one of her invisible hands. “Me! I can do it! What’s my job?”

Peach gestured to the Mario Maker. “I need someone to man the emergency failsafe on the Mario Maker. If you press the big red button, the obstacle course will pause and return us all back to the castle safely.”

Goombaria’s eyes went wide. “But how will I know if I’m supposed to press the button?”

Tickled pink, Peach pressed her fist against her chin dramatically, as if she was stumped by this troubling conundrum. “Hmm! I suppose I could finger whistle! If you watch us on the screen, you’ll be able to see and hear everything. If you hear this…” 

Peach put her thumb and finger in her mouth and blew a piercing whistle, “that’s your signal to shut down the Mario Maker!” 

Stars shone in Goombaria’s eyes. “Woah! I didn’t know you could do that! So, it’s like a secret code?”

Peach nodded, then kneeled down to whisper in Goombaria’s ear. “Exactly! Don’t press the button unless you hear our secret code!”

Goombaria glanced nervously over the edge of the castle tower battlement. They were well over 500 feet above the ground. “But what if one of you falls off?”

Toadette gestured to the Mario Maker’s control board. “Not to worry! The Mario Maker has an automatic safety feature that will catch us if we fall. You end up floating in a giant bubble…but someone else has to pop it!” 

Toadette blushed as she remembered the time she’d had to wait for over an hour trapped in a bubble before Captain Toad had discovered her practicing on the obstacle course alone. Toadette had half-worried that Captain Toad might spank her for messing with the obstacle course without permission, and half-hoped he would spank her. Instead, Captain Toad had praised her initiative, then made her promise to ask him first next time.

Peach finalized the settings on the Mario Maker, then pointed Goombaria’s attention to the screen and the emergency button. “That’s right! As long as the emergency system is in place, it’s no problem if someone falls off the obstacle course!”

Goombaria considered this. “Oh, so that’s why I shouldn’t be too quick to press the button. Okay! Only if you give me the signal!”

Peach nodded, before she noticed Bowser shadow boxing. He was slamming his fists directly into the stone walls of the castle, without batting an eye. He wasn’t able to smash right through them like he could in his original form…but his fists seemed to be holding up just fine. “I trust your judgment, Goombaria. If you think it looks like anyone is in danger, or if…someone is getting too rough, don’t hesitate to press the button. You have my permission!”

Goombella grinned knowingly, then manned her station at the Mario Maker. “Right! If someone gets too rough!” 

The Mario Maker rang with a musical signal: the first map obstacle course had finished loading! Everyone was in place!

“Yes! Finally!” bellowed Bowser and Princess Daisy, at the exact same time.

“...Ugh! That brat needs a spanking!” thought both Bowser and Daisy, as they stared each other down.

The Mario Maker rumbled, and a second musical jingle alerted the racers to line up at their marks. Bowser shoved Daisy out of his path to reach his preferred spot in the center. He leered at Daisy behind him, then turned to spot Mario had appeared in his blind spot on the right. “I’m going to enjoy crushing you in front of Peach, bilge-brains!”

Mario did not reply. He didn’t even look at Bowser.

Daisy appeared at Bowser’s left side, followed by Peach. Bowser wanted to cry out a romantic declaration of his intent to win this race in her honor, but with a scowl, he remembered the friend-zoning incident. “Your loss, Princess Toadstool. We’re officially on a break!” fumed Bowser.

Then he saw Peach waving cutely in his direction. Touched, Bowser lifted a hand to wave back. Of course! She missed him! This was a subtle signal of her girlish affections!

“Good luck, Mario! Good luck, Captain Toad!” cheered Peach. 

Bowser turned back to find Captain Toad had joined Mario on the far right side of the starting line. “This will be fun. Reminds me of the time we took down King Wart together!”

Mario nodded curtly, but didn’t take his eyes off the flag in the distance.

Peach turned over her shoulder, and called to Luigi, who was shuffling his feet. “Quickly, Luigi! The countdown is about to start! Please join us!”

Luigi leaned against the castle wall, trying to look casual. “Oh? Isn’t the obstacle course getting a bit crowded? Maybe I’ll just wait until–”

Daisy roared so loudly, Bowser thought a foghorn was rammed through his ear. “Luigi! Get’cher butt in here!” Remembering her lessons on politeness from Princess Academy, Daisy added, “…Pretty please?”

Luigi scrambled to the starting line, taking the last open spot on the far left of the track. “Okey dokey!”

Noticing Captain Toad glance at her, Toadette shook her head. She wasn’t quite confident enough to join the race yet. Captain Toad nodded, encouragingly. “Next time!” he seemed to be telling her, without words.

Instead, Toadette pulled out a checkered flag, and stood on top of the Mario Maker to announce the count down. “On your marks….get set…go!”

Not bothering to pace themselves, Daisy, Bowser, Mario, and Captain Toad burst off the finish line to compete for the early lead, with Peach and Luigi bringing up the rear at a steadier pace. Bowser thrilled at how light his legs felt as he sprinted, before stumbling over the hem of his black ball gown. “Argh! Stupid, stupid dress!” Bowser wondered just how silly girls had to be to wear such impractical clothing, before he saw Mario and Captain Toad taking the lead, running neck and neck. As Bowser saw Princess Daisy pass him on the left, smoke billowed out of Bowser’s nostrils. 

“No you don’t!” growled Bowser and with a roar, he tried to aim a blast of fiery breath at Daisy’s back. But instead of the usual explosion of red flames he expected, a small puff of pink fire, no bigger than a candle flame, flickered to life. Subconsciously, Bowser sensed something was wrong. “Huh?” As Bowser grunted in confusion, the pink flame shot out like a thin bullet. 

Alerted by the sound of Bowser’s roar behind her, Daisy turned just in time to catch sight of the strange blast. “Woah!” 

As Daisy jumped and arched her back to twist out of the path of the missile, it grazed against the fabric of her gym shorts. But, strangely, that was enough for the entire seat of her pants to catch fire! “Yeow!” 

Thinking fast, Daisy stopped, dropped, and rolled to smother the pink flames. Only caring about the race, Bowser ignored Daisy, hiked up his dress with both hands, and charged past her to catch up with Captain Toad and Mario.

Seeing Daisy’s plight, Peach cried in distress. “Luigi! Help Daisy put out the flames!”

Desperate, Luigi ripped off his hat and slapped it sharply across the smoldering fabric of Daisy’s shorts, until the last of the flames died out. 

“Daisy? Are you hurt?” cooed Princess Peach as she caught up.

Then as Luigi examined his target, pleased to see that the flames had only left the seat of Daisy’s pants charred and singed, it suddenly occurred to Luigi precisely what he was slapping.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you klutz!” howled Princess Daisy, cursing herself.

Thinking she was referring to him, Luigi’s hands flew away from Daisy’s backside in a gesture of surrender. “Oh no! Daisy? I didn’t mean to–”

Still thinking only of the race, Daisy slapped her face, then took a deep breath to calm herself. “Get it together, girl!” Then she glanced down to see the damage done by the flames to her gym shorts. “Huh? Oh! Great job, Luigi! Now, get back in the race!”

Realizing her shorts were in tatters, Daisy ripped them off with one clean tug, revealing a muscular tuchas clad only in yellow-orange panties decorated with the slogan, “Hi! I’m Daisy!” in white block letters. Luigi could make out every letter and stitch in the fabric, and even caught a peek of the tan line under Daisy’s butt cheeks.

Oblivious, Daisy sprinted to catch up with her attacker, now wearing nothing but her sleeveless shirt and underpants. “Bowser! I’m gonna’ dust your britches for that!” 

As they were left behind, Luigi and Peach considered what they had just witnessed.

“Princess Peach? Do you think we have a chance?”

Peach smiled cutely. “Only if you don’t quit, Luigi!” 

Then Peach jogged at a brisk pace after Daisy.

Not sure if Peach had understood what he meant, Luigi stumbled to his feet to get back into the race.

…

Captain Toad wasn’t as good a jumper as either of the Mario Brothers, but he made up for that with speed and stamina. Pulling ahead of Mario, Captain Toad slammed his fist into the first item block, hoping to get a super mushroom and power up. But Mario leapt up on top of the block to snatch the item first. Captain Toad had no time to complain as he spotted an enemy before him and leapt up and over it. Bowser sneered. “These pansies always hop around like rabbits. But I can barrel through anything!”

Bowser grinned with delight as he stopped his foot down on the enemy Captain Toad had avoided…but it wasn’t a Goomba. It was a red Spiny. And Bowser was barefoot.

Bowser howled, hopping in place as he cradled his adorable, injured footsie. “Yeeooww! What’s a Spiny doing here? Everyone knows you put your Goombas out first on the front line!”

“You’re welcome, dude!” called Spike the Lakitu from above, waving to Bowser as he held a camera in front of him.

…

Goombaria sighed as she watched the race unfold on the Mario Maker’s touch screen. “Well, there could have been a goomba, but apparently I’m not old enough to fight Bowser yet!” she grumbled, before shaking her head. “No whining! Got to concentrate! Peach is counting on me.”

She saw Spike the Lakitu, who was acting as the camera man, wave to Bowser.

Goombaria focused on the screen, wondering if Bowser’s foot injury counted as an emergency. She heard Spike call out from behind the camera as he filmed the race. “I’m Spike! Spike the Lakitu! And thanks to yours truly, red Spinies will be taking the place of Goombas on the obstacle– ”

“Spike…the Lakitu? What, is ‘the’ your middle name? That is the goofiest, fakest, Sonic-the-Hedgehog-level-corny name I’ve ever heard! C’mon! What’s your real name?”

Spike almost dropped his camera in his fury. The name on Spike’s birth certificate was actually “Lakilester,” but he never admitted that willingly. Spike sputtered, “Hey! That’s none of your…I mean, my nickname is cool!”

Bowser threw his head back and laughed. But before Bowser could emotionally bully Spike some more, Princess Daisy clotheslined him from behind. “That’s for the cheap shot!” cried Daisy over her shoulder as she raced ahead.

As she watched all this unfold on the screen, Goombaria hummed, trying to decide if what Daisy did counted as playing too rough with Bowser. “Hmm…I’ll allow it!” 

…

His skull splitting, Bowser stabbed his fingernails into the brick floor with such force, they left behind ten small holes, and launched himself up and after Daisy. “You think you're gonna win, Daisy? I'd take that kind of attitude from Princess Peach, but not from you!"

Daisy barked over her shoulder. “Try all you want, but I’m still gonna’ win! Princess Daisy always comes out on top!”

Not bothering to slow down, Bowser tore at the skirt of the frilly black ball gown, and with a rip, the bottom half of the skirt tore away, leaving him wearing what looked like a ragged black mini skirt. As Bowser charged after Daisy, chugging and hooting like a runaway train, the smoke billowing from his throat perfected the illusion that Bowser was in fact a locomotive. “Brawhooo!”

Spike (A.K.A. Lakilester) the Lakitu’s sunglasses drooped down his nose in his shock as Bowser charged away. A few moments later, Spike saw Luigi and Princess Peach, trailing in last place. Luigi flailed his arms as he tried to sprint forward, before clutching his knees and gasping for air. Peach whistled a jaunty tune as she power walked, with a spring in her step. “Pace yourself, Luigi! Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint!”

Luigi wheezed. “Huh? H-how many courses do we have to run?”

Peach beamed as she passed Luigi at her slow but steady pace, almost skipping. “There are 8 worlds total and 4 stages per world, so that comes to a total of 32!” 

As he sucked down air, Luigi felt a stitch in his side, sharp as a knife. There was no way! He was at his limit. His eyes watering, Luigi looked ahead and saw Bowser charging in hot pursuit of Daisy. She was in trouble! “Never…give…up!” rasped Luigi, as he fought through the pain.

“That’s the spirit, Luigi!” cheered Peach.

…

Mario and Captain Toad glanced behind them, and saw they had far outpaced the others. As champions of the Mushroom Kingdom, both Mario and Captain Toad had run this obstacle course thousands of times, to the point it became an act of muscle memory, but because the Goombas had been replaced by Spinies, both were being cautious. 

Nevertheless, since Mario still had the power of the red mushroom, he risked taking a leap over two enemies in a single long jump, landing on a green pipe on the other side of the gap, while Captain Toad chose to dart around the enemies and gauge his jump more carefully, losing momentum. Mario heard a sound like rushing wind, and dodged just in time before a green bolt went flying past him, grazing his mustache. The green missile turned out to be Mario’s old friend, Koops the Koopa, who slowed to a halt as he landed, and popped out of his shell, looking sheepish. “Sup, Mario? Um, hope you don’t mind that I’m not holding back. I’m, erm, really looking forward to fighting–”

Captain Toad interrupted Koops by landing on top of him. As the unassuming turtle reflexively hid in his shell, Captain Toad landed lightly behind him and kicked Koops directly towards Mario. Mario barely escaped a direct hit by leaping up and over Koops. “Hey!” growled Mario. 

Captain Toad flashed a dazzling smile, the kind that made all the Toad girls swoon. “You heard him, Mario! I don’t want to hold back either!”

Mario heard a bump, and up ahead, saw that Koops had bounced against a brick wall, and was rocketing back towards him!

Koopa shells are both strong and smooth, nearly frictionless, which meant Koops could attack enemies by dive-bombing forward, and gliding on his smooth shell. But the blocks and bricks of the Mushroom Kingdom also held a magic that made them act like rubber when struck. In short, the cartoon physics of the Mushroom Kingdom, combined with Sir Isaac Newton’s good, old-fashioned laws of motion, meant that Koops was now a spinning wheel of pure, deadly, turtle power. Mario tried to leap out of the way of Koops for the third time, but something held him down. Captain Toad had leapt up onto Mario’s shoulder at the worst possible moment, before using Mario as a human launch pad. 

Still hidden in his shell, Koops accidentally knocked Mario’s legs out from under him. The plucky plumber face planted, and shrunk to his original, diminutive height as the power of the red mushroom was knocked out of him. Furious at his mistake, Mario forgot everything else and rushed to catch up with Captain Toad.

Koops came spiraling to a halt. Thanks to their unique abilities, most Koopas could easily lose control if they were kicked and sent flying, but Koops had mastered the art of catching himself and leaping up off the ground to slow his momentum. Stumbling back to his feet, Koops tried to shake off his dizziness. “Woah! Um, don’t worry! I’m okay! We Koopas can take a lot of punishment, and still get back on–”

Princess Daisy tripped over Koops, sending him spinning on his back. Remembering her Princess manners, Princess Daisy cupped her hands to her mouth to cry out her apology as she sprinted toward the finish line undeterred. “Sorry! Please excuse my haste!”

Koops waved his arms, both as a polite goodbye to Daisy and as part of a futile struggle to get back on his feet, but his round shell prevented him from standing up easily. “Uh, no problem, Princess Daisy! See, I’ll just…Oh…Well, I’m sure someone will come along sooner or later and help–”

“You, Koopa Troopa! Quit lollygagging!” barked Bowser as he spotted Koops laying on his back.

“Er, respectfully, Bowser sir…uh…ma’am? Sorry, I don’t know what you prefer. But ya’ see, I’m a free Koopa, so technically, I don’t work for–”

Bowser kicked Koops and sent him flying after Daisy. If Koops was on his stomach, he could easily have stopped himself, but the combination of lying flat on his back, while also accelerating like a rocket, was a bit too much for him to handle. Unable to stop, Koops smacked directly against Daisy’s buttocks. The Princess of Sarasaland’s toned gluteus maximus was as sturdy and bouncy as any Mushroom Kingdom brick, and so, Koops was again sent rocketing in the opposite direction. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!!!” hissed Daisy as she hopped in place and rubbed the injured area.

Bowser guffawed at the sight, and flashed two finger guns at Daisy as he passed her. “Ha, ha! That’s called narrative foreshadowing, Daisy!” 

Daisy resumed sprinting, still rubbing her sore behind with one hand. “Nuh, uh! It’s called comic mischief, you dork!”

…

Leaping high over his enemies to reach higher ground, Luigi caught sight of Bowser launching a strange, green missile at Daisy from behind. “No! Don’t you dare hurt my–”

After bouncing off of Daisy’s buttocks, Koops flew through the air like a bullet, striking Luigi across the face. Luigi spun in place and collapsed. 

Peach was humming a tune as she spotted Koops flying toward her. She caught Koops lightly up onto the palm of her hand, as though she was a waitress and Koops was a serving tray, then spun on her heels to halt his acceleration and help him land on his feet. “Sir Koops! Are you injured?”

His eyes spiraling, Koops saluted. “No, your, h-highness! Urp! All in the line of duty!”

Peach pulled a water bottle from her fanny pack and offered it to him. “Good work, trooper! Make sure you stay hydrated, and get plenty of electrolytes!”

Koops accepted the water gratefully before seating himself, mopping the sweat from his brow with his sky blue hoodie. Peach went skipping towards the finish line, before pausing again to tend to an injured Luigi. “Oh dear, I do hope everyone is remembering to pace themselves!”

…

Leaping up the stone stairs four steps at a time, Mario passed Captain Toad and dove towards the flag that represented the first finish line. Stylishly, he caught the flag in one hand, and glided down the flagpole with his free hand. The Mario Maker’s soft, robotic voice announced, “World 1-1 Complete! Winner: Mario!”

But below him, Mario saw Captain Toad drop like a stone towards the base of the flagpole, spinning around it and kicking off to get a jump start on the second course. As Toad rushed through the front entrance of the castle and up onto the green warp pipe that led to the second course, Mario heard the electronic voice announce: “World 1-2 Loading. Loaded! On your marks…get set…go!”

“Hey! Toad! Whatsa’ matta’ with you?” snarled Mario, slipping into his Italian-American dialect.

Captain Toad winked, as he sank into the warp pipe. “Nice win, Mario! But remember, it’s not a sprint! It’s a marathon!”

…

As she reached the top of the stone steps, Daisy spotted Mario hopping off the flagpole below her. Knowing that Mario had already scored the bonus points for capturing the flag, Daisy ignored the flag and dove low towards the middle of the flagpole, hoping to pull off a similar trick maneuver as Captain Toad. But Bowser had the exact same idea. The tan, muscular tomboy and the tan, muscular turtle-man-trapped-in-the-body-of-a-woman collided in midair, their faces smacking against each other cheek-to-cheek. But they managed to catch hold of the flagpole and pulled away from one another as they stuck their landing. The flag pole bent sharply under their combined weight.

Still chewing the green 1-Up Mushroom Peach had given him to help him recover from his traumatic brain injury, Luigi used his long legs to leap up the stone steps, not four at a time, but six at a time. But since there were only eight steps anyway, that just meant he took his final leap to the finish line blind. “Must! Save! Daisy!”

As Luigi cleared the stone steps, he saw only empty sky where the finish flag should have been. Looking down, he noticed Daisy and Bowser landing on the ground, pulling the flagpole down with them with their combined weight. And as they released their hold and rushed toward the castle–

“BWOING!” 

“KA-THWACK!”

The flagpole sprung back into place, the iron ball striking Luigi squarely on the nose.

Reflexively grabbing onto the flagpole for dear life, Luigi slowly sank to the bottom, the metal squeaking softly against the soft fabric of his overalls. “...Ow.”

Luigi felt the squashed pancake that was once his magnificent nose, and popped it back into place. Above him, Princess Peach seemed to glide toward the flagpole, caught it, spun around it, and landed lightly on her tiptoe for a perfect 10-point finish. “Good job, Luigi! You beat me!”

…

The green warp pipe deposited Mario in the dark, dank catacombs of the castle: World 1-2. He caught a glimpse of Captain Toad snatching up a red mushroom, before dodging a group of Spinies.

 

As always, when Mario was focused on the thrill of the chase, he kept a stony silence. Mario hopped lightly across a series of brick pillars, which Captain Toad cleared easily, the power of the mushroom giving the tuban-topped Toad the ability to jump like…well, a regular toad.

As they landed on the stone floor opposite the pillars, Mario heard the familiar rush of wind that warned him of an incoming Koopa! Mario leapt to the side, while Captain Toad leapt up onto a higher platform of bricks, and out of sight. The attacking Koopa bounced off the wall behind Mario and ricocheted. Mario struggled to outrun his attacker, but he knew it was no use, and without a red mushroom, a single hit would knock him out of the game. The instant before the Koopa could strike him, Mario leapt up and landed on its back.

With a girlish shriek of surprise, the Koopa spun to a halt, and popped out of her shell, waving her blond pony-tail teasingly. “Hello, Mario. How did my Koops do? He’d better not have been spacing off!”

“Koops fought bravely!” called Captain Toad from above. Mario and Koopie Koo glanced up to find Captain Toad slamming his fist into a brick, and pulling a Super Star from the rubble. 

Just as Captain Toad held the power up aloft, another Koopa, this one with wings, launched a surprise attack, swooping down from the high, vaulted ceiling. “Banzai!” roared Parakarry. As a part-time adventurer, and full time mail-carrier, Parakarry was used to taking swift and decisive action, but alas, this time he was too late!

Captain Toad’s body shone with an inner light as the Power Star activated, and the moment Parakarry struck his target, he was knocked back senseless, his eyes rolling and his aviator cap askew!

Captain Toad shrugged. “But it never hurts to admit when you’re beat!”

Mario and Koopie Koo shared a furtive glance, before running for their lives down the nearest corridor. Of course, getting stomped on wouldn’t kill them, but nobody wants a Game Over!

Parakarry shook his head, rattling it like a cowbell, and saw Princess Daisy and Bowser diving down into the underground world from above. Taking a deep breath, Parakarry recited the sacred oath of all mail carriers: “Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night…” Rolling back, Parakarry pressed his hands against the stone cold floor and performed a kick-up: an old martial arts trick Kooper had taught him to get back on his feet in the middle of a fight. 

What greeted him was the sight of Princess Daisy and Bowser roaring defiance at each other as they barrelled straight towards him. Parrakarry blushed at the sight of Daisy wearing only yellow underpants, and Bowser had hiked up the torn remains of his black dress up to reveal his men’s boxers. “Crud!” squeaked Parrakarry. He wasn’t afraid of snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, but the sacred oath of the mail carrier said nothing about having to fight women in their underwear! Parakarry ducked out of sight just in time. The two furious rivals raced past the postal-working Parakoopa, oblivious of his presence as they continued their shouting match.

…

“So, Luigi, do you have anything this fun in Brooklyn, New York?” asked Princess Peach, as she and Luigi strolled past the destruction left behind by Daisy and Bowser’s charge.

Still fighting for air, Luigi struggled to make conversation. “Um, nothing like the Mario Maker. I guess there was that one time the giant gorilla broke out of the zoo and carried off Mario’s girlfriend! That was pretty wild!”

Peach stiffened. “Oh, you mean Pauline?” 

Of course, Peach knew that Mario had an old girlfriend from New York. But ever since she’d heard Mario had invited Pauline to be the guest of honor for the grand opening of his toy company’s new theme park in Mario Land, Peach had felt an inexplicable desire to kick Pauline’s butt. This was still true, even after Pauline was elected mayor of New Donk City and started making more frequent visits to the Mushroom Kingdom. As a princess, Peach refused to allow her feelings to cloud her judgment. But there was no Princess Rule that said Peach had to hold back against Pauline on the tennis court!

Oblivious, Luigi nodded. “Yeah! I still can’t believe those two broke up! I thought they were so cute together, don’t you–”

“Well-anyway-that-was-a-long-time-ago-no-sense-bringing-up-old-drama!”

Still oblivious, Luigi nodded still more furiously. “Good idea! Best not to mention it around, Mario. Though I think he bounced back from it really well. And you know, Mario and Pauline are good friends now!”

As Peach’s head swiveled to face Luigi, her neck seemed to creak like a rusty door. “You don’t say?” 

Swelling his chest, Luigi seemed to find his second wind. “Yeah! You know, Mama always said you should treat a girl right, so that she has nothing bad to say about you later…or she will! When I was a kid, I used to think that was just Mama being Mama, but it’s so true when it comes to Mario! Even his ex-girlfriend thinks the world of him! Who can say that?”

“...You seem rather observant when it comes to your brother’s romantic history.”

“Well, to be honest, I never had a real girlfriend…except for that one girl from French class, but that really shouldn’t count. (Long story!) Anyway, I’ve been thinking recently about self-improvement, and looking for examples of guys who are good at talking to girls, and Mario’s sort of…right there, ya’ know? Except he doesn’t even talk to them that much! They all just seem to fall in love with him at first sight. Why do you think that is?”

Peach stalled for time by skipping neatly across a few brick pillars. “Well, I suppose Mario has a certain…presence.”

Luigi whipped out a notebook and scribbled furiously, before losing his footing on the last pillar and tumbling into Peach’s arms. “Oof! Okay, presence! Got it! And what do you suppose I could try doing if I wanted to have more of this…presence?”

Peach considered the question as she leapt over some remaining spinies, still carrying Luigi in her arms. “Well, Mario’s never afraid to fight for his friends, even against an enemy much bigger and stronger than he is. That’s pretty admirable. You can tell he’s always ready for a fight, just by the way he carries himself. That’s why I…I mean, I suppose that’s why all those girls pay so much attention to him. He seems like the toughest guy in any room.”

Luigi scratched his head as he flipped through older pages of his notes. “But Bowser’s always ready for a fight, and he’s usually the toughest guy in any room. Doesn’t he have a forceful presence, too?”

Genuinely puzzled, Peach set down Luigi and pressed her fist against her chin pensively. “It’s not the same, Luigi. Bowser’s a big bully…You know, it’s strange, I have always felt a bit sorry for Bowser, but now that Bowser has been magically transformed into a woman, it’s as though I’m seeing him for the first time. He’s so awful to people, but now that he’s lost his strength, it’s as though awfulness is all he has left.”

Luigi put away his notebook. “Assuming his strength really is gone, of course. If only there was a way to–” Luigi did a double-take as he examined their surroundings, then slapped his forehead. “Of course! That’s why you invited Bowser to run this obstacle course! You want to trick him into showing you more of the crown’s–”

Peach pressed a finger to Luigi’s lips to shush him. “An excellent deduction, Luigi! But for the plan to work…” 

She pinched the brim of Luigi’s hat for emphasis. “...we’ll have to keep it under our hats!” 

Luigi saluted. “Aye aye, Princess!”

“Thank you, Luigi! …And don’t fuss too much about what girls think of you. I think you’re quite a catch already!”

“Definitely!” squeaked a strange voice hidden above their heads. Luigi leapt into Peach’s arms with a squeal of terror.

Parrakarry appeared above them. “Oops, sorry! Should have announced myself!”

Peach raised an eyebrow. “Parakarry? I hope you can be discreet.”

Parakarry pretended to zip his lips and held his right hand across his heart. “I will treat your words with the same respect as the mail! Secrecy is sacrosanct! Especially when you’re dealing with Bowser!”

…

Bowser sneezed, breaking his concentration on Princess Daisy. Daisy took the opportunity to elbow him out of the way and shoved ahead. Ahead of them, Captain Toad was in hot pursuit of Mario and some blond Koopa babe Bowser didn’t recognize. But he certainly noticed how Captain Toad was still glowing with the radiant energy of a Power Star. 

Spotting a more tempting target, Captain Toad screeched to a halt and reversed course, charging at Bowser. Bowser tensed, knowing that a Power Star in the hands of an enemy always spelled trouble, even for himself. 

Then, Bowser heard a soft, motherly voice at the back of his head. “Relax! You’re only a hop, skip, and a jump away from the exit!”

“Huh?” Bowser glanced behind him, looking for the source of the voice, but there was no time to think about it! 

Of course! He was more limber now. 

Bowser leapt up and over the charging Captain Toad. The Captain sensed what was coming and sprang to intercept Bowser in mid-air. But Bowser did the splits, and avoided crashing into the invincible toad by an inch. Koopie-Koo skidded to a halt before crashing into a tall green pipe, knocking aside several Spinies on the way, but Mario hopped nimbly up onto the pipes and towards the exit. Daisy followed a second after Mario, ignoring the Piranha Plants that lunged from out of the pipes to bite them.

Over the years, Bowser had often wished Mario would just hold still and fight him like a man. But it suddenly occurred to Bowser that anything Mario and Daisy could do, he could now do. Bowser couldn’t just barrel through this course. 

“You can’t keep trying the same thing, over and over, expecting different results,” whispered the soft voice. 

Bowser stopped thinking, and leapt straight towards the first pipe, past the deadly Piranha Plants, which narrowly avoided chomping his buttocks. He felt heat building in the palms of his hands, and knew instinctively that the explosive power of the pink fire was his to command.

But Bowser didn’t dive down towards the green warp pipe that marked the exit, like Daisy and Mario did. Powered by the force of two explosions, he leapt straight up and crashed his head through the ceiling above the exit pipe. Bowser felt the crown press down into his skull as he impacted against solid brick. 

Below him, Daisy and Mario froze in shock as Bowser disappeared onto the floor above them, out of reach.

Tumbling roughly to the ground, Bowser clutched his throbbing head as he stumbled down the dim, hidden passageway. With every beat of his heart, it felt like the crown was biting into his noggin. “It has to be here! Peach based this on my castle, and my castles…always have an escape route!”

Chortling, Bowser dove feet first towards the hidden warp pipe that he was sure would take him home, and away from this nightmare…but Bowser failed to account for the width of his brand-new, feminine, child-bearing hips. With a dense “Thunk!” Bowser’s rear end and tail jammed him inside the green pipe. With a roar, Bowser hopped up and down to try and squeeze through, only to squeal as his tail caught on the end of the pipe. Second guessing himself, he tried to pull himself free of the pipe, but it was futile. He felt like a cork inside a bottle.

Then, the green warp pipe started to hum and crackle with energy. It was trying to teleport his bottom half, but his top half was trapped!

Feeling the burning hot metal of the warp pipe press against his sizzling tail and butt cheeks, Bowser fought back tears and sucked in his gut. “Be a man!”

With a final thrust, he felt himself sliding down the pipe, a hairline crack forming in the green metal around him.

…

A tremor rippled through the floor, knocking Peach and Luigi to their knees. Floating in midair, Parakarry watched curiously. “An earthquake? But aren’t the Mario Maker levels in mid-air?”

Peach felt her stomach clench. “It’s not supposed to do that!”

Luigi’s teeth chattered. “Not supposed to do that? Then what is it supposed to…do?” 

His last word was interrupted as the floor gave out under his feet. Unaware of the effect the laws of gravity should be having on him, Luigi didn’t fall immediately, until he glanced down and saw nothing below him, except for a steep drop down to the courtyard of Mushroom Palace. With a wail, Luigi scrambled to reach safe ground. Flapping his wings furiously, Parakarry grasped Luigi and pulled him to safety. 

Behind them, the entire structure started to tremble and fall away, the bricks disintegrating into pixels to reveal the blue sky outside the Mario Maker stage.

“Quick! We’ve got to find the others!” ordered Peach, before giving a sharp whistle, hoping Goombaria could hear them.

…

Goombaria watched in shock as everything unfolded on the monitor. 

“I don’t think that’s part of the obstacle course!” squeaked Toadette.

Thinking quickly, Goombaria found the emergency button, and before she could second guess herself, she heard Peach’s piercing whistle. Goombaria slammed the big red button, and an electronic voice announced, “Manual s-safety activ-activ-activated.” 

Goombaria tried to change the camera on the screen, and panicked as pixelated lines cut across it. The camera angle switched to the shaky hand camera operated by Spike the Lakitu.

On the screen, Goombaria could make out Koops the Koopa falling as the ground of World 1-1 dissolved beneath his feet, before he was caught in a floating bubble. Koops’ stuttered and stammered, as was his habit when flustered. “W-w-woah! That was, ah, a close…close one. Y-you…okay, Spike?”

“You did it, Goombaria! Great job!” cheered Toadette.

Goombaria sighed with relief.

Then, the bubble holding Koops burst, and he tumbled into nothingness.

…

Far below the Mario Maker, the good people of Toad Town went about their day.

Tayce T. Toad, the local chef, carried a basket of goodies to donate to the Toad Society for Widows and Orphans. She took a moment to look up and admire the incredible sight of the Mario Maker rearranging itself in the sky. “My, my, what will they think of next?

“Good morrow, Ma’dam Tayce T. Toad! Fancy our meeting…along the road!” chanted a deep, somnolent male voice, emphasizing the rhyme. 

Tayce T. spun around to find her neighbor, the great and powerful Merlon, Toad Town’s local magician and fortune teller. “Merlon? I thought you’d be reading fortunes this morning, what with all the travelers here for Peach’s celebration for the Mario Bros.!”

Merlon folded his hands sagely, his magnificent mustache bobbing. “Ah, I had to step away from the crystal ball. Last night, I had a terrible nightmare that a roof would fall on my head today…either that or a turtle, the details are hazy, but I immediately knew it was a premonition. Something terrible is about to happen!”

“Well, if a turtle is going to fall on your head, shouldn’t you shelter at home?”

Merlon shook his head. “Ah, but if fate has decreed that a turtle is to fall on my head today, it could just as easily happen to me whether I’m at home or out and about. But if the premonition really meant that my roof was going to collapse, then I shouldn’t be at home.” 

“That makes sense. Though it’s too bad your prophetic dreams can’t be more specific.”

“That’s the trouble with premonitions. You’re never quite sure what they mean until it’s too late.”

“Look out! The sky is falling!” screamed Mihn T. Toad, the local vegetable gardener, pointing a gloved hand up at the Mario Maker.

A massive chunk of brick wall, the size of a Toad, careened through the sky, before smashing through the roof of Merlon’s house, demolishing the building. Tayce T. Toad tackled Merlon, shoving him out of the way of a flying piece of debris.

An emergency alarm blared through the Bowser-attack-warning system, and the residents of Toad Town, Toads, Koopas, and Goombas alike, rushed to the emergency shelters.

“Sigh, I hate when I’m always right,” groaned Merlon.

…

Mario cursed in Italian. He leapt at the ceiling, only to realize it was hopelessly out of reach. “Bowser! What did he do?” 

Daisy gesticulated wildly to the giant hole above them, before finally noticing her underpants were showing and ducking behind the green pipe to preserve her modesty. “I heard an explosion, and he went crashing through the ceiling! …Yeep!”

Noticing the commotion ahead, Captain Toad called out behind him. “Princess Peach, Bowser’s trying to break the boundaries!”

Peach’s voice echoed from far away down the long corridor. “Whatever he’s doing, stop him!”

Mario’s mustache trembled. “Peach? I’m coming!”

Captain Toad shook his head. “No! You two go after Bowser, I’ll check on Princess–”

But Mario didn’t take orders from Captain Toad. Mario and Captain Toad backtracked to meet Peach, Luigi, and Parakarry. Mario and Toad arrived just in time to give Peach and Luigi a hand up as the floor collapsed beneath them, then the whole group charged towards the exit.

“Mario? I can’t jump over these pipes!” shouted Koopie-Koo.

Holding hands, Mario and Peach gave each other a final, meaningful squeeze. Mario let go of Peach and snatched up Koopie-Koo, carrying her to safety.

Daisy hopped up and down in a futile effort to reach the ceiling. As an Olympic high jumper, Daisy’s “hops” were usually over 6 feet high. Even after climbing up on the collapsed bricks to gain height, she was still a few feet short. “It’s no use!”

Then, she saw Luigi sailing above the rest of the group. His long legs carried him just high enough to grasp the crumbling stone of the ceiling above. As it fell apart, Luigi kicked up and onto the second floor. With a final longing glance at Daisy, Luigi charged down the secret path in pursuit of Bowser.

Parakarry looked up and down. “Princess! I can go with Luigi, but I can’t help any of you if you fall!”

Peach pointed to the hole in the ceiling. “You back up Luigi. Everyone else, take the normal exit!”

Daisy nodded and led the way. 

Captain Toad used his best drill sergeant voice. “Princess Peach, you’re next after Daisy!” Peach glanced at Mario once in terror, but knowing there was no time to argue, she obeyed the order.

As Mario set down Koopie-Koo, she cried, “But what about Koops? He was on the first–”

“Koopie-Koo!” cried a small voice from far away. It was Koops, dangling by his arms in the grip of Spike the Lakitu, who had lost his sunglasses in the chaos. Spike’s pet cloud seemed to be struggling to carry the extra eight.

Most of the level behind them had disintegrated entirely. In a panic, Koopie-Koo’s voice cracked as she screamed. “We’ve got to help him, Mario!” 

Mario had to hold Koopie-Koo back before she could dive out into nothingness.

Above the din, Koops raised his voice, his usual stammering disappearing, “Koopie-Koo! You get in that warp pipe! Move your tail! Now!”

Koopie-Koo flew to obey, hiding in her shell and shooting like a bullet towards the exit. 

After she disappeared through the pipe, Captain Toad ran to follow. But Mario froze as he heard Koops’ last words. “Um…Mario? The, uh, safety isn’t working. I could, ah, use a hand? If that’s okay?”

Mario was ready to rush back out, but the bricks of the last platform were already starting to tremble. He had no path to Koops. 

“Dude! My arms are giving out!” hissed Spike, his eyes bulging.

Koops nodded to a trailing piece of debris below them. Already, it was starting to drift downward, fighting weakly against gravity. “You could drop me on that, maybe? Better do it right about…now–”

Spike held out valiantly, his arms giving out as Koops uttered the word “now.” Kicking off the debris, Koopa launched himself into the air like a bullet, catching a second piece of debris in midair, and angling a final shot towards Mario. Any Koopa could achieve incredible speed thanks to the magical properties of their shells, but few could control their momentum. Luckily, Koops had practiced the art of aiming his power shell attack daily, until it became second nature to him. He spiraled like a football into the waiting arms of Mario, who caught Koops and dove headfirst into the warp pipe. Just as the two friends vanished through the pipe, the pipe itself shook and fell into nothingness.

Spike breathed heavily, his arms numb, when a jarring alarm blazed in his ear. He nearly fell off his cloud, before he snatched up his Mailbox SP. 

“This is Spike. Spike, the Lakitu.”

“Lakilester? It’s me, Goombaria! Thank goodness! I tried to press the button, just like Peach said, but there’s an error message. Bowser broke something!”

An electronic voice echoed over the remains of World 1-2. “W-world 1-3-4-1-L-is-real-2-4-0-1 L-Loading. Missing No. World 0-1 Loaded. I AM ERROR!”

Spike cringed at the mention of his real name, before whipping out his backup pair of sunglasses…for emergencies. “You and Toadette go find help. This looks like a job for Spike…Spike, the Lakitu!”

[End of Chapter VI]