Sonic and Sally in: Royal Rumble Smackdown!
“But what if I hurt him, Charles?”
“It’s just a spanking, Bernie. You’re not going to hurt him…Not permanently, anyway.”
“Don’t worry, Ma! I can take it!”
Bernadette the Hedgehog covered her mouth nervously as her 8-year-old son Sonic lay draped across her lap. “I can’t believe I agreed to this! I hate the whole idea of spanking! What if I emotionally scar him? What if he hates me? What if he develops a…complex?”
Sonic lifted himself up slightly off of Bernadette’s lap to address his Uncle. “Uncle Chuck, what’s a complex?”
Sir Charles Hedgehog leaned back sagely. “It means she’s afraid a spanking is going to scramble your brains, Sonny.”
“That’s baloney! She’s not gonna’ spank me on my head! Can’t we get a move on, Mom? I’m waiting!”
“Precisely my point, Sonny! See, Bernie? This whole thing was his suggestion! You’re not doing him any favors by dragging it out!”
As her son settled back in place over her lap, kicking his feet impatiently, Bernadette rested her left hand on his back, her right hand trembling. “But…how do I do this, Charles?”
“Well, why not start by reminding him why he’s getting a spanking?”
Sonic shot Uncle Chuck a quizzical look. “But I already know why, Unc. I asked for one!”
“That’s a different form of causation, Sonny. Go on, Bernie. Talk him through it.”
Bernadette nodded shakily. “Honey, do you know what you did wrong?”
“Oh! That’s easy. I tugged on Princess’ Sal’s braid too hard while we were wrestling. That’s illegal, right Chuck?”
“Technically might be treason, but I’m sure King Acorn will grant you clemency. He knows what a handful the Princess can be.”
Sonic nodded furiously. “Yeah! And, anyway, she started it! I only tugged her braid to try and get her to tap out!”
Sir Charles’ ears perked up at this news. “Did she, now? Sounds like self-defense to me, Bernie. Maybe you shouldn’t spank him after all?”
Bernadette huffed and rolled her eyes. She’d long thought of Charles as an honorary older-brother, even before marrying his younger brother Jules. But Charles’ way of helping usually involved ruffling her feathers. Too annoyed with Charles, she turned her attention to her prodigal son. “I don’t want you wrestling with girls in the first place, Sonic!”
“But, Mom! Princess Sal loves to play wrestling! We just…got a bit carried away this time.”
Sir Charles barely disguised a chortle as a sneeze, thankful his mustache concealed his smile. To be fair to the kids, it really wasn’t their fault all those empty suits of armor had been stacked like dominos around the palace!
Bernadette rubbed her temples, suddenly rethinking her life-long opposition to spanking as she cross-examined the accused. “Hold on, that’s not how I heard it from Sally! She told me she tackled you after you tugged her braid!”
“Oh, yeah! First I tugged her braid, but not that hard. Then she tackled me, then we wrestled, then I tugged her braid again, you know, to get her to surrender, and then…we knocked everything over.”
Sir Charles leaned back, wishing his brother Jules were here to enjoy the show. “Oh dear. Not a very good self-defense case. Sounds more like mutual combat. Maybe disorderly conduct?”
Bernadette snorted, then fixed Charles with a look of mock-fury to tell him to shut up. Bernadette knew full well that Uncle Chuck had successfully goaded her to take charge, and was secretly thankful for it. “What on earth possessed you to tug her braid?”
“Well…because usually when I tug one of her braids, Sal always looks at me with this cute, pretend-angry look, and says something funny like, ‘I am not a doorbell, Mister Hedgehog!’ But this time she wasn’t pretend-angry. I don’t get it! She’s so weird!”
Bernadette’s cheeks flushed beet red. How long had this childhood soap-opera been going on unnoticed? “Sonic! I don’t care how cute or ‘pretend-angry’ you think a girl is. Princess Sally’s braids don’t belong to you, so they aren’t yours to yank! If you ever pull on her braids again, whether or not you’re in a wrestling match, I will…spank you…and ground you!”
At long last, Sonic seemed genuinely intimidated. “Gounding? No! Anything but that! Please, Chuck! Tell her I’m sorry!”
Chuck hummed, resting his chin on his fist thoughtfully. “Sounds like genuine remorse to me, Bernie. Couldn’t you find it in your heart to let him off with just the spanking this time? Let mercy season justice!”
Bernadette knew she’d lost this fight. Her opposition to spanking as a method of child discipline had long been a point of personal pride. After all, timeouts were insanely effective for Sonic! (Perhaps too effective!)
For the past few years, she’d assumed her friendly debates with Sir Charles on the merits of corporal punishment had been purely abstract.
But gradually, she’d been forced to lengthen timeouts from a few minutes to a few hours to get results. She still felt guilty about the one time she’d grounded Sonic for an entire day.
Every time Bernadette found herself in the position of disciplinarian, Charles’ old argument would haunt her: for a boy with Sonic’s level of energy, how could hours, or days, of sheer boredom be less cruel than a minute or two of spanking?
Only half-convinced, Bernadette thought it would be clever to test Charles’ theory by giving Sonic the choice: would he prefer to be grounded for a week as punishment, or…a spanking?
When she was a little girl, she’d have picked grounding every time, if given the choice. So, as she made the offer to Sonic, Bernadette was looking forward to teasing Charles.
Only Sonic had immediately, and happily, requested a spanking. It was as though reality itself was conspiring to make fun of her preferred theories!
Holding Sonic in place across her lap with one hand, she patted his bottom experimentally, trying to remember how her mother had done it. “All right, Sonic. This time, I’m letting you off without grounding. But after your spanking, you’re marching straight to Princess Sally to apologize. Are you ready?”
Sonic delivered a thumbs up. “Ready, able, and willing!”
With a sigh, Bernadette raised her right hand high as she fixed Uncle Chuck with a silent stare of fury, daring him to say, “I told you so!”
Uncle Chuck politely, and rather wisely, kept his silence.
Bernadette closed her eyes and delivered a half-hearted slap across Sonic’s behind, producing a soft pat. She braced herself to hear her precious son wail in despair, but was met only by silence.
Sonic craned his neck to look over his shoulder. “Uh…Ma, that’s not gonna’ cut it! You don’t want Sal to think we’re wimps, do ya’?”
Bernadette felt her ears burning. Could she do nothing right? “Charles, how hard am I supposed to hit? I don’t want to bruise him!”
Sonic shrugged. “How could you tell? My butt’s already blue!”
Uncle Chuck raised a hand and pantomimed the correct motion. “Try thinking of it like you’re swimming, Bernie. You’re moving your arm through the water and…Stroke! Why do you think they call it ‘paddling’?”
Bernadette had never been much of a swimmer, but too embarrassed to argue further, she was determined to try anyway.
As she raised her hand, thinking about olympic swimming pools, she felt even more annoyed at herself. She kept forgetting to arrange swimming lessons for Sonic! But there would be time for that another day…
With her second attempt at a spank, Bernadette concentrated on making a paddling motion. The impact rippled across Sonic’s behind, just like waves through water! As she heard Sonic whoop, her maternal instincts to comfort her baby mixed with a sense of relief. At least she wasn’t entirely incompetent!
Uncle Chuck nodded. “Good job, Bernie. Keep at it!”
Bernadette nodded and slowly delivered Sonic’s very first spanking. Every holler and yelp broke her heart a little, yet to her surprise, she found all her pent-up irritation vanishing as well. She knew she wasn’t angry with Sonic (that was the first thing Charles had warned her to be careful about when she called him desperate to find out how, the hell, to spank a child).
But only as she let go of all her annoyance, at Sonic, at Charles, and especially at herself, did she suddenly realize how very annoyed she had been.
After five smacks she paused the punishment, desperate to tell her son he was forgiven and have this over with. She looked to her old friend and brother-in-law for help in her hour of need. “Um, Charles? Do you think that’s enough?”
“What do you have to say, Sonny? How are you holding up?”
Desperate to hang tough, Sonic rubbed his red shoes together. “It’s not…pleasant. But I think most the kids my age get at least ten swats!”
Seeing Charles give her an encouraging nod, Bernadette steeled herself. She knew this was her job. “In that case…Sonic Maurice Hedgehog, I’m going to give you ten more swats. Fifteen total. And if Princess Sally calls you a wimp, I’ll give her just the same!”
Sonic smiled as he winced. “And then I’m forgiven?”
Bernadette’s heart swelled. Suddenly, she remembered the words, “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” She’d always thought the cliche absurd when she was on the receiving end. So she decided not to repeat it now, however true the feeling was. Instead, she took a deep breath, and adjusted her hold on Sonic’s waist. “I already have forgiven you, dear. This is just a reminder to keep you out of trouble! …I love you, Sonic!”
Sonic casually answered with a thumbs up. “I love you, Mom! …And I think it’s working! I feel sorry already!”
With fresh resolution, Bernadette delivered the final ten spanks. By the time it was over, Sonic was at the brink of tears, but remained resolute. He was too thrilled to be spared the torture of a week’s grounding to complain or fuss.
Satisfied, Bernadette and Sir Charles escorted him to the palace to meet King Acorn and Princess Sally so the children could exchange apologies.
As they approached the royals, Bernadette caught a brief glimpse of Princess Sally lowering her hands from her bottom at a gentle nudge from her father. It was so quick, the mother was sure Sonic didn’t see. So, she didn’t pry when she noticed Sally vainly trying to hide her watery eyes and sniffling nose. Somehow, Bernadette felt vindicated in her decision to add spanking to her parental toolkit.
The Princess tried to maintain her prim composure as she apologized for tackling Sonic, but when she finally got to the fateful words, “Please forgive me!” her sobs finally overwhelmed her resolve and she surprised Sonic with a hug.
Patting Sally on the back, Sonic looked up to address the adults. “Hey! Are we not allowed to wrestle anymore? Not even for fun?”
Bernadette stiffened. Did Sonic really have to ask this in the presence of the king? “No, Sonic! …Though I suppose that’s up to King Acorn.”
King Nigel of the House of Acorn addressed the children with perfect, royal dignity. “Princess Sally? What have we to say to that suggestion?”
Sally wiped a stray tear, momentarily forgetting to use the royal “we.” “Please father…I’ll miss wrestling with Sonic. That’s even worse than getting a spankin–” as the last word escaped her mouth, the Princess blushed furiously and looked to Sonic, wondering how bad he was going to tease her. To her relief, Sonic hadn’t noticed…or was pretending he hadn’t noticed.
King Acorn shared a look with Uncle Chuck, disguising his amusement behind his official tone. “Sir Charles, we would hear your counsel on this grave matter.”
Uncle Chuck bowed his head with token sobriety, secretly delighted to be sharing in a private joke with his oldest friend. “Well, your highness, it seems to me a good queen should be trained to defend herself as well as her people! Their wrestling isn’t any less dignified, nor less important, than a friendly fencing match!”
King Acorn nodded. “Well said! So long as it never happens inside the palace again, we have no objections. But Mrs. Hedgehog, Sonic is your son. We cannot speak for you! What is your judgment?”
Realizing she was being included in the joke, by her King no less, Bernadette felt every shred of embarrassment about her situation vanish. She relished the expectant looks on Sonic and Princess Sally’s faces, looking to her for the final judgment.
“Very well! Sonic, you may wrestle Princess Sally, if she says you can! But no hair pulling…and no full nelsons!”
As she listened to the two scamps’ raucous cheers, Bernadette decided that, of all her accomplishments, nothing could quite compare to being a mother.
The End
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