Bowsette's Princess Lessons: Chapter 11

Bowsette’s Princess Lessons

Chapter XI: All the World’s a Stage

[Summary: It's Bowser vs. Luigi, in a no-holds-barred brawl! As Luigi stalls Bowser, Mario and the rest of the gang rush to rescue Madame Flurrie and Ms. Mowz.]

Bowser felt the world spinning as he crawled on hands and knees toward the warp pipe. His heart thumping, Bowser clutched his chest, only to grasp one of the horrible, melon sized breasts he had been cursed with. No matter how many times he felt them, they always felt alien to him, like a limb that had fallen asleep. Dimly, he remembered a secret zone was hidden in the next castle, assuming Peach’s game world was faithful to his original fortress design.

Bowser smiled shakily. Of course, Peach wouldn’t think of removing his ingenious escape routes. After all, you can’t improve on perfection! There was a flash of motion, and Bowser shielded his face as a sea green Parakoopa dive bombed into the brick path before him, cutting off his path of escape. 

Parakoopa dusted off his aviator hat. “Not another step! As a duly deputized officer of the Mushroom Kingdom Postal Service, I hereby place you under arrest!”

Bowser rolled his eyes. “Spare me the legalese! You’re a good, hardy Parakoopa, aren’t ya? And I’m the King of the Koopas! I don’t get it, you should be following me! I could use a kid like you, with gusto!”

Parakarry whisked his mailbag off his shoulder with a flourish. Gripping the leather strap tight, he held it up to show Bowser the royal seal of House Toadstool that decorated the metal clasp. “You are no king of mine! I swore a sacred oath, to defend the mail of the Mushroom Kingdom against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and I refuse to abandon my post! Long live King Toadstool! And long live Crown Princess Toadstool, his rightful heir!”

“Nice purse.”

The flaps of Parakarry’s aviator hat seemed to stand on end as he spun his head to glance at the supposed “purse,” before locking eyes on Bowser. “It’s not a purse! It’s a postman’s satchel!”

Bowser sneered, his hands twitching as he prepared to claw through this final obstacle. “Well, purse or no purse, I admire any Koopa who’s prepared to die, rather than back–”

Bowser squealed as he felt something yank on his tail, and turned to find Luigi. With a single thrust, Luigi threw Bowser. It was as if Luigi was David, slinging a stone at the giant Goliath, except that Bowser was simultaneously the sling, the stone, and Goliath all at once.

Bowser snarled as he slammed shell-first against the brick stone steps, the wind knocked out of him.

Luigi stood tall, looking more solid and intimidating than Bowser ever imagined possible. Though Luigi had lost the power of the fire flower, the power of the red mushroom still coursed through his veins. “Surrender, Bowser!

Bowser twitched as he lay on his stomach. This was all wrong! Over his many defeats over the years, Bowser had always hated how the cowardly Mario brothers would stoop to using power ups to give themselves the advantage. He’d never found much use for them. What need did King Koopa have for a petty red mushroom, when he already was the strongest in all the lands? And compared to his natural, fiery breath, a weasley fire flower seemed like a child’s toy. 

As Bowser lay gasping on the ground, he felt his weak, fragile female body all over again. But now, for the first time, he truly knew his own weakness, as if his own flesh was a prison. The world seemed to glisten and blur, and as Bowser realized his eyes were filling with tears, he hissed and pressed his face against the cold brick floor to hide his shame. He had no strength! 

In his despair, he cursed the thought of the red mushroom that had caused his downfall.

And as a picture of the mushroom appeared in his mind, it seemed to burn his eyes. Bowser blinked through the tears, and thought he saw a phantom image. For less than an instant, there was a beautiful woman, so like Peach, holding up the mushroom, both surrounded by flames. And then, she was gone. As Bowser’s vision cleared, he saw Luigi taking a cautious step toward him. “…Please, don’t make me hurt you.”

With a roar, Bowser sprinted at Luigi, winding up his fist, and his old strength seemed to awaken, burning through Bowser’s muscles.

As he saw the power of a red mushroom radiate through Bowser like an invisible flame, Luigi recognized the effects of a power up just in time to save his life. He threw up his arms to block as Bowser landed a devastating haymaker, the aftershock sending tremors through the very ground they were standing on. Ignoring the screaming pain in his arm, Luigi thrust forward and grappled Bowser. Remembering his past few years of intense judo training with Princess Daisy, and suddenly thankful that she’d been so insistent he take classes with her, Luigi twisted and attempted to redirect Bowser with a knee wheel technique, the hiza-guruma. 

Luigi performed the technique flawlessly, but now that Bowser’s muscles had returned, so had his muscle memory, rekindling his wild fighting instincts. As Bowser felt the judo technique throw him off balance, he spun wildly to move with the flow, rather than against it. 

If only Bowser had not regained his supernatural strength, Luigi would have won handily, then and there. But with a strained howl, Bowser landed, and rather than collapse, strained his back to twist and toss Luigi towards the brick wall of the nearby fortress. Luigi curled into a ball to shield himself as he crashed through the wall, barely avoiding a lethal blow.

Parakarry dove towards Bowser’s stomach, but Bowser crouched low and blocked to let his arms absorb most of the blow. Like an American football linebacker (or like a Chargin’ Chuck for those of you who prefer Mushroom Kingdom sports), Bowser lifted Parakarry up and over his shoulder to clear his path. 

Parakarry was able to stop his momentum just in time to avoid crashing into the stone steps, but as he twisted in midair, he saw Bowser diving head first toward the warp pipe, bellowing in triumph. “Yeah! Touchdown!”

With a resounding “Thwoomf!” Bowser stuck tight in the warp pipe, again, thanks to his wide, curvy, feminine buttocks. Bowser’s muffled wails of protest were still audible from within the pipe. “Raaargh! Not this again!”

Parakarry shot like a bullet to strike the only available target: Bowser’s ass. Bowser kicked his long, graceful legs wildly, then planted his feet in a futile effort to pull himself out of the pipe. But all he managed to accomplish was to send the torn remains of his black skirt flying as he thrust his heart-covered-boxer-clad ass high into the air, “Yow! Cut it out!”

Emerging from the debris, Luigi spotted Bowser and leapt to action, leaving crumbs of brick flying as he sprinted forward, grabbed Bowser’s tail, and tugged.

Just before Bowser could pull himself loose, the warp pipe activated and began to suck him further in, his buttocks squeaking against the hot metal squeezing in on him from all sides. With a sharp “pop!” Bowser was sucked down the pipe, dragging Luigi along with him. Taken by surprise, Luigi’s face struck nose-first against the sharp edge of the pipe, knocking him loopy. As Luigi felt the magic of the red mushroom die, his fingers seemed to weaken.

He remembered lying on his back, after he had failed to resist all 100 of the 100 fundamental techniques of judo in a row. Princess Daisy was standing over him, sweating profusely, and holding out a hand to help him up. “You almost had it that time, Weege! Keep trying! I know you’ll get it!”

Without the power of the red mushroom, with nothing but his own ordinary strength, Luigi clung to Bowser’s tail for dear life, as they were both dragged into the dark catacombs below.

…

The castle fortress of World 2-4 shivered, then disintegrated into a twister of blocks and flame. As the entire group sprinted along the brick path, ducking and dodging to avoid flying debris, Peach raised her voice above the din. “Bowser must have reached World 4-2! That means he’s almost at the second warp zone.”

Daisy grit her teeth as she clutched the baby Yoshi tightly in her embrace, and began to build up to a sprint. “All y’all better kick those legs up! We’ve still got an entire world of ground to cover!”

Then Daisy cupped one hand to her mouth to bellow across the expanse of empty sky that separated them from World 4. “You hear that, Luigi? We’re all counting on you!”

Goombario hopped in place as he pointed wildly with his invisible hands. “Watt!”

Goombella huffed as she struggled to keep up. She was more of a scholar than a jock. “What? Where’s Watt?”

“There’s Watt!”

 

A sweet, girlish voice squealed with delight above their heads. “Weeeee!”

Mrs. Sushie held her fins to her face. “Watt, honey! Be careful!”

A piece of elevator wire, dragging two massive red steel beams behind it, tore clean through a stone tower, before spiraling like a bolo toward the baby Sparky. The steel beams spiraled and slammed into the infant on either side, before crumbling and falling away, reduced to two heaps of twisting, molten metal. Unfazed, Watt pulled out her Saf-T-Pop® lollipop. “Will do, Mrs. Sushie! I’m doing just like Princess Peach told me! Safety first!”

Mario waved his hat to get Watt’s attention. “Watt! Keep an eye out for Vivian and Lady Bow in World 3-4! You need to warn them that the course is falling apart!”

“Yes, sir, Mister Mario, sir!”

A Podoboo, a sentient lava bubble of a species distantly related to the Sparkies, smashed against Watt in mid-air, then screamed like Private Willhelm as the tornado carried him away into the distance. In her surprise, Watt dropped her lollipop. “Hey! Watch where you’re going, Pedoboo! I’m an unsupervised child!” 

Feeling like the world’s worst babysitter, Mario sighed as he watched Watt fly away into nothingness. Fixing his hat back on his head, he fell back to join the three Koopas bringing up the rear, then called loud enough for the entire throng to hear. “Keep a weather eye open for Ms. Mowz and Madame Flurrie! Peach, Spike, Toadette, the four of us need to help Kooper, Koops, and Koopie-Koo get past the vertical obstacles. There’s another shortcut hidden in World 3-1. When we reach it, we can Koopa surf to skip the next level!”

Kooper snapped his fingers and gave Mario the thumbs up. “Great plan! You help us Koopas handle the vertical obstacles…”

A pillar of stone slammed into the brick path, 100 yards ahead of Peach and Daisy. Koops started to stammer, before Koopie-Koo slapped him encouragingly across the back of his shell. “And we’ll handle the horizontal ones!” 

One after the other, Kooper, Koopie-Koo, and Koops ducked in their shells and glided toward the collapsed pillar. Ignoring the force of friction, the three Koopas tore through the remains of the tower, clearing the path for the rest of the group. 

As pixelated words appeared across the blue sky, it turned an unnatural shade of midnight blue, before the magic of the Mario Maker’s virtual reality system began to block out the sun itself. “W-w-w-world 3-1 Loading-ding-ding-Load-Load-Loaded!”

…

Madame Flurrie carefully applied her magenta lipstick, before flipping her vanity mirror case shut with a snap. “Perfection! Ms. Mowz, let’s sneak in one more dress rehearsal, before our grand entrance.”

Ms. Mowz, femme fatale, masked master mouse-thief, and now unwilling vaudeville showgirl, sniffed. “Personally, I prefer improvisation.”

Madame Flurrie waved a wispy finger. “Ah, ah, ah! This is my first triumphant return to the stage of battle. I haven’t been this excited since my farewell tour. Did you know, I played Lady Macbeth in ‘The Scottish Play’?”

“The Scottish Play? What, you mean MacBeth?”

Madame Flurrie sucked in a breath, which doubled the wind spirit’s size. “Ms. Mowz! You simply mustn’t mention the name of the Scottish Play. Every actor and actress knows it’s bad luck!”

Ms. Mowz pouted. “...But, you just mentioned MacBeth by name, yourself!”

Madame Flurrie swooned at the second mention of William Shakespeare’s cursed play. “Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooooo! I most certainly did not! I only mentioned Lady MacBeth, the character! The name of the play itself is what carries the curse.”

“Chu! Pure superstition! In fact, I think I’ll try saying it five times, fast! 

“Don’t you dare, Ms. Mowz. Why, I ought to put you across my knee and–”

“MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth, Mac–”

BATHOOM! 

Ms. Mowz reeled on her red high heels as a tremor rumbled through the brick path below her. “Did you feel an earthquake?”

Madame Flurrie shivered, as she pulled out a pair of antique opera glasses to examine the horizon. “No, but I sense a shift in the winds. Please, Ms. Mowz, if only for my sake, let’s have no more discussion of The Scottish Play…By the Four Winds! I spy Mario and his lovely friends on the horizon! Places, Ms. Mowz, it’s nearly time for our cue!”

Ms. Mowz skittered to the lever on all fours. “Um, are you sure we didn’t break something with the whole business about saying ‘MacB’ out loud?”

The opera glasses disappeared in a puff of smoke as Madame Flurrie stuffed them into her plump, matronly bosom, and her voice became airy. “Perhaps we did, but the show must go on!”

Using the entire weight of her tiny body, Ms. Mowz jumped on the lever, and with an echoing crack, stage lights flooded the brick platform with eerie light, and dry ice created the illusion of thick, billowing fog. 

In the distance, Mario, Peach, Spike and Toadette hauled the three Koopas up the last of the stairs, before the Koopas withdrew into their shells, and rocketed through the group of spinies blocking the wooden bridge ahead. Mario cupped his hands to his mouth and bellowed, “Ms. Mowz! Madame Flurrie! Where are–”

An explosion of light and smoke greeted them from the floating platform ahead. Emerging from the fog appeared Madame Flurrie, garbed in the horned helmet and armor of a valkyrie, and holding a spear. “Prepare for trouble!”

Ms. Mowz appeared, climbing the spear with ease, wearing a scarlet cape and top hat to match her customary mask. “Make it double!”

“To protect the world from–”

Daisy, who was not much of a theater-goer, bellowed to stop the show. “The entire world is falling apart!”

Pausing the performance, Madame Flurrie retrieved her opera glasses, and spotted the path beginning to collapse in the distance, then dropped them in her shock. “By the Bard’s of Stratford on Avon’s hairy mustache!”

Spike puffed as he waved at the blocks behind Madame Flurrie and Ms. Mowz. “Activate the–”

With a sharp intake of breath, Madame Flurrie puffed up her cheeks and flew like the wind, slamming her expansive belly against the brick that contained the hidden bean stalk that led to the shortcut in the clouds above. “Got it, Lakilester!”

As Daisy instinctively kissed Gonzales Jr. on the top of his forehead, the baby Yoshi’s eyes fluttered open. “Hmm? Miss Daisy? I had the most wonderful dream. Everyone was trying to climb this magic beanstalk, but they weren’t good climbers, so I had to fireman-carry a bunch of my friends up, all at once!”

Peach reached the vine first, and started to climb. “Everyone, up! Follow me.”

Gonzales Jr.’s eyes popped open with delight. “Yes! My dream came true! Everybody who can’t climb, get on my back!”

Before anyone could argue, Goznales Jr. ran under the feet of Goombella, Goombario, Koops, Koopie-Koo, and Kooper in quick succession. Once they were all piled in a precarious stack on his back, Gonzales Jr. immediately jumped at the vine and began to ascend toward the clouds, bellowing a war cry in a respectable imitation of the immortal Hulk Hogan: “Say your prayers, take your vitamins, and you will never go wrong!”

Toadette was next, calling over her shoulder as she scaled the vine. “Wait, who’s getting the flag? We can’t load the next level without hitting the trigger!”

Ms. Mowz moved before anyone could stop her, throwing away her hat and cape with a single gesture. “I’m on it!”

Mario noticed Ms. Mowz scampering ahead, and leapt off the platform in pursuit, rolling to break his fall. “Ms. Mowz!”

Peach spotted Mario, and with a thrill, understood what he was up to. Mario was going after the flag, alone, even if it meant he was left behind. “No! Don’t do it Mario! Spike can snatch the flag!”

Spike clutched his skull as he looked back and forth from Princess Peach to Mario. “But, I can’t help the Koopas perform the ultimate Koopa Surfin’ technique, and grab the flag at the same time!”

Mario barked over his shoulder as he sprinted after Ms. Mowz. “No time to argue! Spike, Princess Peach, you do whatever it takes to catch up to Luigi and Bowser. That’s an order!”

Remembering her promise to obey Mario if he told her to leave him behind, Peach stiffened. In her heart, she wanted to say no, go charging after Mario, and order him to save himself. But in her head, she knew exactly what needed to be done. The only way to save everyone…was to leave Mario behind. Blinking back tears, Peach pulled herself up and onto the cloud pathway. “You heard him! Just climb!”

Clutching to the vine just below Princess Peach, Gonzales Jr. roared. “Huh? And just leave him behind! We can’t abandon the Great Gonzales!”

Koop squeezed Gonzales’ Jr’s shoulder. “We won’t abandon him, Jr. But we have to trust him!”

Gonzales Jr. snarled as he finished scaling the vine, and dropped his five friends safely on the cloud path. “Dangit! Why is this responsibility stuff so complicated?”

Peach, Toadette, and Daisy quickly scooped up Goombella, Goombario, and Gonzales Jr. Steeling herself, Peach hopped lightly onto Kooper’s back, and for the first time in her life, began to Koopa Surf.

Having given his last pair of emergency-emergency sunglasses to Piff the Puff, Spike retrieved the massive pair of triangular sunglasses he had found in Big Bertha’s terrain. They extended several feet past either side of his head. “Same plan as before. Once we reach the end of the cloud shortcut, I’ll unleash my full power to fly past the next level.”

Madame Flurrie fluttered up to join the group, her body billowing like a chemtrail behind her. “Flying, eh? Then you’ll need a fair, westerly wind, and I’m happy to oblige!”

Peach trembled as she maintained her delicate balance. “Here comes the end of the road! Goombas, Junior, we’ll all need both our hands, so hold on tight!”

Goombario and Goombella held up their invisible hands, looking eager. Both answered at once! “You got it!”

“Jinx!” added Goombella, before Goombario could jinx her.

Gonzales Junior spun around Daisy’s neck and held onto the back of her tennis shirt.

After she felt Goombario cling tightly around her neck, Peach held out her hand to signal Spike. “Altogether, on three! One…Two…Three!”

Below them, they could just make out Ms. Mowz scaling the flagpole, snatching the flag. The entire world of the Mario Maker seemed to shudder awake. “World-orld-orld 3-2 Lo-lo-loading–kkcht–Loaded!”

Peach and Daisy each took one of Lakitu’s hands, then held Toadette between them with their free hands. They felt the wind rushing around them, and likely would have lost their hold on one another, had Miss Flurrie not arrived like a divine wind, gently carrying them all forward.

…

As Ms. Mowz bit through the rope that held the flag, she had a clear view of the ground collapsing in the distance. She was a master thief, who had dared to steal treasure from under the nose of a fire-breathing dragon, but she was still only a mouse. She knew that there was no way she could outrun death this time. 

Then Mario appeared from behind the stone staircase, diving low and kicking off the base of the flagpole to catch her before she hit the ground. 

Ms. Mowz squeaked as she landed safely in Mario’s arms, looking for all the world like a sexy football. “Squee! …Nice catch, handsome.”

“Ms. Mowz! Are you crazy?”

“Maybe I just fancied having this pretty flag for myself! Or maybe I wanted an excuse to take a little morning stroll, with just the two of us!”

Mario glanced behind him. The rate of the collapse was accelerating with each passing second. He was faster than Ms. Mowz, but even at top speed, he could only buy them a few extra seconds. 

…

Peach felt her heart tighten in her chest. “They’re not gonna’ make it!”

Gonzales Jr. clenched his firsts so tightly, he nearly tore the fabric of Daisy’s tennis outfit. “That’s it, I’m tagging in!”

Something about the baby Yoshi’s voice activated Daisy’s maternal instincts. “Wait, what are you planning, young man?”

Gonzales Jr. launched himself off Daisy’s shoulder, skydiving toward Mario and Ms. Mowz below. “Yoooooooo-shiiiii!”

Focused entirely on running for his life, Mario took short, controlled breaths as he forced himself to sprint, ignoring the building exhaustion. He risked a glimpse over his shoulder, praying for an escape from the collapsing path approaching them from behind. He saw a baby Yoshi tumbling from the clouds above. 

Mario remembered the day Gonzales Jr. had hatched from his egg, the same egg he and his friends had rescued from being cooked over-easy by an over eager hot dog vendor.

Even as Gonzales Jr. landed, the ground gave way beneath him. But the baby’s willpower was far stronger than the paltry laws of gravity. Kicking his legs wildly, Gonzales Jr. leapt back up onto the collapsing path, and sprinted at top-speed, easily overtaking Mario and Ms. Mowz, and ducking under Mario’s legs to lift both up onto his back. Before Mario knew it, he was seated on the baby Yoshi’s back like a cowboy on a saddle. “That’s right, folks! It’s the team-up you’ve been begging for! The Great Gonzales, the King of the Ring, the Glitz of the Pit, and his protege, the Great Gonzales, Jr., The Green Machine, The Diesel Dino, are back in action! And they’re cruisin’ to lay a bruisin’ on that big-ass bozo Bowser!”

In the sky overhead, Madame Flurrie and Spike carried the rest of the party high above the enemies littering the obstacle course. As Peach saw Gonzales Jr. deftly leap over and past wave after wave of red Spinies, with Mario and Ms. Mowz safely in tow, she finally let herself breathe. “Spike, Madame Flurrie! Bring us in low. We’ll need to snatch the flag at the end of world 3-2 ourselves.”

Spike’s eyes bulged behind his new sunglasses. “I can…go back…for Mario…after I drop you off!”

“Perfect. While Spike doubles back, the rest of us need to back up Luigi…he’s our only hope.”

Peach focused on the flag ahead. Mario had charged into the jaws of death, for all of them. But if Luigi failed to delay Bowser long enough for them to catch up, it was all for naught. They were all counting on Luigi, and Luigi was counting on them.

…

Howling, Bowser emerged from the pipe overhanging the dim underground chamber, Luigi hanging limply from his tail. The electronic words “World 4-2” floated in the air, then flickered and died as the two foes tumbled through it, and crashed into the brick floor below.

Emerging from cloud of debris, Bowser groaned as he clapped the torn remains of his black skirt to shake of the dust. “Oh, man, why didn’t old me think to put an elevator there?”

Bowser nearly tripped as he felt something clinging to his tail. Trembling, Luigi looked up at Bowser, but there was no fear in his eyes. “Not…one…more…step…”

For a moment, something in Luigi’s eyes reminded Bowser of Mario. “Luigi? What a joke! Put some muscle into it!”

Spinning wildly, Bowser shook Luigi off his tail. Luigi bounced once, like a dead cat, then spiraled across a bottomless pit, before he came rolling to a stop on the other side, just below a raised platform of brick. A narrow crawl space had been carved out of the base of the brick wall, like a tunnel.

Lifting up a dainty, bare foot, Bowser thrust his head back and laughed. “Gwar, har, har! Are you watching, Luigi? I’m gonna’ take one more step! Try to stop–”

Parakarry shot out the warp pipe above, aiming directly at Bowser’s laughing face below. Bowser opened his eyes just as the Parakoopa smashed into his mouth, knocking him flat on his back with enough force to leave a perfect impression of Bowser’s new hourglass figure in the stone floor. Hissing and spluttering, Bowser sat up and spat Parakarry out, along with a tooth, and felt the power of the red mushroom dying, leaving him as weak and fragile as a regular woman. “Grrawrrgh! Can’t you let a Koopa finish his train of thought? It’s like I can’t even finish a sentence without some do-gooder interrupting–”

Bombette and Admiral Bobbery tumbled out of the warp pipe below, their fuses already lit. The force of the double explosion engulfed Bowser, sending him rocketing back into the brick wall behind him. As his world began to go fuzzy and dark, Bowser collapsed face-down. Delirious, he thought he saw the words “Game Over!” swimming before his eyes, before the mental picture of a red mushroom once again burned in his mind’s eye. It was like smelling epsom salts. Bowser awoke, gagging, swinging his claws wildly.  

Parakarry spun like a hawk and alighted on one of the stone platforms that hung over the bottomless pit. “Bowser! You have to stop!”

Still singed from her last self-implosion, Bombette stumbled to her feet, wincing. “You broke the Mario Maker! It’s falling apart!”

Admiral Bobbery rolled out of the steaming crater he had left in the solid brick wall. “We have to get out of here. Come quietly, and we won’t hurt you!”

Smoke billowed from Bowser’s mouth. “No, I have to get out here. I’m not coming quietly, and I will hurt you!”

Charging like a bull, Bowser leapt to the small platform and bodily tackled Parakarry, carrying them both across the black chasm. Parakarry managed to land a sharp jab against Bowser’s face before Bowser smashed the valiant mailman into the brick platform, shell-first. Bowser glimpsed a wide-eyed Luigi below him, before the green-clad Mario brother ducked into the low tunnel beneath the brick platform.

Bowser’s eyes glowed red as he clawed at Luigi’s boots. “Come out, come out, little pig!”

Luigi screamed as Bowser’s face pressed against the entrance of the crawl-space. “Here’s Bowsy!”

Luigi kicked wildly, the sole of his boot leaving a perfect shoe-print impression. Bowser howled and released Luigi. Admiral Bobbery lit his fuse, and with an echoing, “Kaboom!” launched himself across the bottomless pit, aiming at Bowser’s back.

As Bowser stood, he felt something slam against him from behind, sending him barrelling forward into the wall. Again, Bowser felt something break deep within him, as the lethal blow extinguished his new-found strength. Again, the red mushroom appeared in his mind’s eye, so clearly, he was sure he could reach out and grasp it. His eyes rolling, Bowser snatched behind his back to seize Admiral Bobbery and slammed the old sailor up against the wall, next to the unconscious Parakarry. “Look at your little hero! Scurrying away, like a scared rabbit! Bet you wish Mario was here, huh?”

His whole body tingling from the adrenaline rush of the power mushroom, Bowser spotted an explosion, and knowing that the pink Bob-omb was attacking, instinctually caught her like a football before she could smash into his face, and spun like a quarterback to toss her up into the brick ceiling. Shutting her eyes tight, Bombette screamed in pain as she bounced off the ceiling, then again off the floor.

Spit flying, Bowser clawed his way to the top of the platform, seeking the hidden pathway to the hidden warp pipe. “Don’t you get it? Koopas, Goombas, Bob-ombs! None of you can stop me! Your entire race are my slaves, and they love it!”

Along the path ahead, Bowser saw another red mushroom pop into view, right above a dark hold in the ground. Bowser paused. It suddenly occurred to him how strange his visions of power ups had been. Subconsciously, each vision had simply felt like getting a fresh burst of strength, a second wind. Bowser blinked, wondering if the cheerful red mushroom before him was another phantom image. Then a gloved hand emerged from the hole, snatching the Mushroom.

Luigi climbed up and out of the hole, scarfing the red mushroom in a single bite. Though he was bruised and battered, Luigi stood tall as the mushroom’s power strengthened him, and put up his dukes. 

With a primal roar, Bowser charged, winding up a ferocious uppercut.

…

Luigi remembered the schoolyard playground of St. Patrick’s Old Cathedral School, where little Mario and little Luigi received their education, in the heart of Little Italy. Little Mario had his dukes up, thumbing his nose as he practiced shadow boxing. “Let’s-a go, Luigi! Put up your dukes!”

Little Luigi held up his fists, shakily. “But, Mario, I don’t wanna’ fight you!”

Mario danced around Luigi, landing soft punches on Luigi’s shoulders. “We’re not fighting! We’re sparring! You’re Rocky Marciano, the Brooklyn Blockbuster! And I’m World Heavyweight Champion Jersey Joe Walcott! Don’t worry, Rocky, you make a big comeback to win this one!”

“Ow! Mario, cut it out!”

Mario paused the play boxing and sighed. “Luigi, I can’t always be there to watch your back when your bully’s on your case. If you want to learn how to handle a bully, the first trick is to learn how to handle yourself!”

“..But, hitting people is wrong!”

“Which is why he shouldn’t be hitting you. Look, why do you think he only ever picks on kids half his size?”

“Because we’re easy prey?”

“Because he thinks you’re easy prey. I’m smaller than you, and he doesn’t pick on me anymore, not since the first day of school.”

“The first day of–that was the day you came home with two black eyes and a fat lip! You…you actually beat him?”

“Oh, no, he cleaned my clock. He probably got three good hits in on me, for every one good hit I got on him.”

“...Then, how come he never bothers us, when you’re with me?”

Mario put up his dukes. “Because he knows I can get at least one good hit on him.”

Tremulously, Luigi put up his dukes. He was still frightened by the very idea of boxing, but he could never be frightened of Mario. Meekly, he threw a punch at Mario’s shoulder, barely hard enough to ruffle the fabric of his sleeve. “It…still doesn’t feel right. Aren’t we supposed to turn the other cheek?”

Mario switched up his boxing stance, Sugar Ray Robinson style, and gave Luigi his softest possible two-hit combo, which was still harder than Luigi’s love tap. “Hmm…I don’t think it’s the same thing, Luigi. Every time cousin Wario makes fun of me, I don’t hit him. I just tell myself to turn the other cheek. I even let him play the sheriff sometimes, when we play sheriffs and rustlers. But standing up to a bully seems different.”

Luigi stumbled backward to retreat from Mario’s jabs, accidentally discovering a defensive stance as he held his arms up to block. “It’s still hitting someone. What’s the difference?”

Just as Luigi attempted his first-ever counter punch, Mario paused to think at exactly the wrong moment, before Luigi’s fist bounced off his nose. “Mama mia!”

 

Luigi squealed in horror. “Mario! I didn’t mean it!”

Pinching his nose with one hand, Mario bounced back. When he saw his nose wasn’t bleeding, Mario bounced right back into his boxing stance, as if nothing had happened. “I’m fine, Weegee. I was thinking and you caught me off guard, was all. Serves me right. Anyway, I think I know the difference.”

Luigi bobbed and weaved to evade Mario’s fists. He was grateful that Mario was okay, but he couldn’t help but notice that Mario’s punches were just a hair less playful now. “Yikes! …And that is?”

“Easy. If you stand up to a bully, even if he hurts you worse than you hurt him…maybe you’re the one who teaches him to give up being a bully.”

…

Luigi’s fists shook as he settled into a perfect outside boxing stance. Easily ducking out of the way of Bowser’s wild telegraphed punch, Luigi quickly sidestepped and counter-punched. 

Bowser seethed as he clutched his dainty nose, and felt blood. Luigi retreated a few steps to keep his distance, but didn’t take his eyes off his opponent. “Not. One. More. Step. Bowser.” 

With the scent of blood clogging his nose, Bowser charged like a steamroller, trying to overwhelm Luigi with a relentless offense. This time, Bowser focused on controlling his punches, still trying to get the feel for his strange, 5-fingered fists.

But Luigi knew all he had to do was knock the wind out of Bowser once, and the power of the red mushroom would give him an unbreakable advantage. Like Muhammad Ali in his prime, Luigi blocked and rolled to evade, then surprised Bowser with a quick gut punch. It was a perfect “rope-a-dope.” 

Lurching forward, Bowser gagged, before Luigi followed up with a “one hitter quitter” to Bowser’s face. 

As he attempted to curl into a fetal position, Bowser felt his arms and legs twitching. He was too weak! As he gagged for air, Bowser felt like he was drowning. He heard voices from far away, calling to him from above, as if he was trapped beneath the waves of a great storm. 

“You’ve lost, Bowser! Stay down!”

“You got him, Luigi!”

“Hold him down!”

Stars clouded Bowser’s vision, followed by darkness, like thick, billowing smoke. He had lost…to Luigi?

Two shining eyes, blue as ice, stared at him from the blackness, before they burned as red as fire. He heard a voice, his own voice, yet also someone else’s voice, in his throat. “Sooner or later…I’ll win.”

As Luigi pinned down Bowser’s unconscious, slender body, for a moment, Luigi saw a woman again, and not his enemy. Then Bowser’s eyes snapped open, and pink flames erupted from his hands, engulfing them both. Parakarry flew up to escape the rising flames.

Bombette and Admiral Bobbery’s fuses caught on fire, and they dove back to avoid igniting next to their allies. “Get back–”

As Admiral Bobbery and Bombette exploded, Bowser’s pink flames rocketed him up and into the air, hugging Luigi tightly around the waist to carry him along. They ricocheted off a question mark block above, bounced off a second question mark block below, ripped through a magically floating red steel beam, and slammed into a final platform of brick.

Tumbling to the brick floor below, Luigi shrunk back to his normal, diminutive size, as the power of the red mushroom died. 

But Bowser’s velocity carried him forward well past the platform, until he collided against the green steel of a Piranha Plant pipe.

His chest heaving, Bowser blinked his eyes, and saw a magical vine spring from the block platform behind them. Of course! That’s where he’d hidden the secret path of escape from the underground catacombs. As his mind cleared, Bowser remembered what he would find at the top of the growing beanstalk. A grove of toadstool trees, crowning the top of the fortress. And behind them, the final warp zone. Freedom. 

His old strength slowly returning, Bowser rested his weight against the green pipe, and lifted himself to his feet. “Sooner or later…I always win.” 

[End of Chapter XI]