Bowsette’s Princess Lessons - Chapter XVII: Race to the Finish

 Bowsette’s Princess Lessons

Chapter XVII: Race to the Finish

Bowser counted on his slender, five-fingered hand as he emerged from the gray warp pipe, with Peach laying perfectly still over his shoulder. “Okay, this has gotta be the last leg of the maze. Running just traps me in a loop here…so it’s gotta be a warp pipe!”

Peeking curiously down the first pipe he approached, Bowser flinched as a Piranha Plant snapped at his nose, then shot a fire ball with his free hand to incinerate it. “Eeek! Rude! So if that was just a Piranha Plant pot which resembles a warp pipe…then this next one must be the real warp pipe!”

As Bowser leapt atop the second gray pipe, it glowed with the colors of the rainbow, and he and Peach were sucked down into the warp. “Yes! Nailed it! See, Peach, that’s how you design an evil–”

With a boop, Bowser and Peach emerged from the grey warp pipe…at the start of the entire maze. “...labyrinth?” 

Bowser yanked at his blood-red hair. “Graarh! We’re back at square one? …Peach, would you happen to have a pencil and paper on you?”

Peach pretended to fumble through her fanny pack, pulled out a pen and legal notepad, then shrugged as she stuffed them back in. “Nope! Sorry, no pencil!”

“Oogh! Whatever, I have this first chunk of the maze memorized anyway…Don’t take the first pipe, that just takes you back to the first, first pipe.”

Peach presses a finger against her luscious lips. “Hmmm, wouldn’t it be better to call it the second pipe, so you don’t mix it up with the first, first pipe?”

“No, the second pipe is…Hey, cut that out! I’m trying to concentrate! We jump over the lava, and take the second pipe…” Bowser hopped down the warp pipe and emerged in the second section of the maze. “...to the second-first pipe!

“See, that’s my point, it’s your naming conventions. You should use a lettering system, like Section-A Pipe #1, Section-A Pipe #2, Section-B Pipe #1, Section B Pipe #2–”

Bowser stared at his fingers, twitching them up and down to represent the different pipes ahead of them. “No, no no! You’re gonna get me mixed up on the sections again! Maze sections are divided according to magical, infinite-floor-trap triggers, not warp Pipes! Now…starting from the second-first pipe, I’m remembering something about the second-second pipe. Crud! Is second-second pipe good or bad?”

“Wait, if you called the first pipe the first-first pipe, wouldn’t that make this one the second-first-first pipe?”

Bowser used his pink flames to fly over the two pipes that were causing him trouble. “No, no, first pipe is bad! My system makes perfect sense! Second-second pipe is…wait, you’re right, this one should be second-first-first pipe, so that makes this one second-first pipe, and this one one second-second pipe–”

“Ah, so that’s the one you want!”

Nodding, Bowser landed on the second-second pipe and sank down it, smirking at Peach’s upturned backside. “Exactly! Wow, thanks Peach-blossom, you’ve been a big–”

With a poof, they appeared at the start of the maze again. “–help?”

Peach held both her hands to her face in horror. “Oh nooooo! Did we mess up again?”

Bowser reared back his head, snarling. “Mrrraaaugh! Second-second pipe is bad! How’d I forget to–

Slowly, Bowser turned his head to stare at Peach’s rear end. “Wait a second…Peach…you’re not stupid.”

Peach swallowed, before using her most charming Princess voice. “Why, that’s such a lovely thing to say, Bowser. You know, they teach a whole course on the art of the delicate compliment at Princess Academy! For example–”

Smoke billowed from Bowser’s nostrils. “Nice try, tutz. I know what you’re up to. You’re stalling for time, hoping for that toilet-scrubbing–”

Bowser saw a fireball shoot above their heads and crash onto the floor ahead, and turned to spot Mario diving after them from the ledge above the start of the labyrinth. 

Bowser’s eyes shone red, and with a blast of pink flame he shot up and away from his hated enemy. “–Mario?”

Peach reached for Mario. “Mario! Take the warp pipes after jumping over the lava pits! Lava, then pipe!”

Bowser twisted in mid air to rocket over the first section of lava, then blasted toward the first pipe he saw. “After the–lava? Peach, you brat! You knew the trick the whole time? That does it, as soon as we get home, I’m going to spank–” Bowser and Peach disappeared down the warp pipe.

Mario called over his shoulder to his friends as he sprinted and jumped off the red steel platform floating on the lava pit. “Follow me!”

Mario dove down the warp pipe after Bowser and Peach, followed by the rest of his party, with Princess Daisy bringing up the rear, using the fireman's carry to haul the unconscious Luigi over her shoulders. A shudder traveled through the floor of the fortress. A single stone tile glitched, then fell away into nothingness.

…

Bowser emerged from the warp pipe in the second section, and blasted into the air with a burst of pink flames. “Lava! Then! Pipe!”

Spiraling in mid air, Bowser kicked pink flames to torch the Piranha Plant that pounced at him from within the correct warp pipe, which hovered in mid-air on a floating platform. The maneuver forced him to adjust his grip on Peach, so that instead of dangling bottoms-up over his shoulder, he now held her in an almost-tender embrace. “Lava! Then! Pipe!”

Bowser caught a brief glimpse of Mario emerging from the previous warp pipe, blasting fireballs at the enemy Parakoopas, before Bowser and Peach were whisked away.

Peach beat her fists uselessly against Bowser’s chest, but all she managed to achieve was to make Bowser’s new breasts jiggle. “Bowser! Please, stop!” 

Ignoring Peach. Bowser focused the warp zone exit shining above him, already charging his pink flame in one hand. “Lava…then…”

The second they emerged out the other end of the warp pipe, Bowser rocketed them into the air, and spotted the lava pit. “Pipe!”

Then Bowser saw a purple Cheep-Cheep with an orange mohawk diving towards his face, making a fishy-face. As the Cheep-Cheep latched onto Bowser’s head, it started kissing him madly. Bowser twisted in midair, shielding Peach in his arms, before all three of them flew over the lava pit and crashed against the next warp pipe. Bowser shook his head like a dog to tear his lips free of the Cheep-Cheep, which bounced once and rolled dangerously close to the edge of the ledge.

Bowser arose, gagging, still cradling Peach like a small child against his breast. “Gaahg-fft!! Who the hell are–”

Peach’s face lit up as she recognized the Cheep-Cheep. “Mrs. Sushie!”

Bowser lifted a hand, and a pink fireball hovered in front of his palm. “Yeah, well if you don’t want to be Mrs. Grilled-Sushi, then stay back!”

Mrs. Sushie shielded her eyes against the bright flame with her fins. “Oooh, shame on you, young man! Why, I’ve a good mind to take you right across my knee and spank your bottom, little mister!”

Still holding up the flame to keep the furious fish at bay, Bowser hopped onto the gray pipe and sneered. “That’s sexist.”

Bowser and Peach fell down the warp pipe, and emerged in a dimly-lit room of glittering, sea-green stones, connected to a water-filled tunnel. Peach held her breath as Bowser carried them into the pool with a swan-dive. Bowser’s cheeks were puffed up as he held his breath.  Peach forced her eyes open, and could make out a glowing purple warp pipe, labeled “Secret Entrance to the Mushroom Kingdom Royal Moat.” 

Of course! That was how Mrs. Sushie had found them. If only Peach could reach it…

Mrs. Sushie splashed down into the watery chamber from above, then swam at Bowser. Bowser kicked away, and for a moment, pink flames burst from both his feet, creating an explosion of boiling bubbles before they were quickly extinguished. 

Mrs. Sushie slammed into Bowser’s stomach, and he lost his mouthful of air. Bowser felt a pink flame die on his tongue as Mrs. Sushie slapped his face with her tail fin, desperately trying to shove Peach free from his grip. Peach managed to free herself from one of Bowser’s arms, and tugged to pull her trapped wrist from his powerful grip. As Mrs. Sushie swam a tight circle around Bowser, he tried to aim his fire breath at her, only to see boiling bubbles blurring his vision. Mrs. Sushie shot like a bullet, crashing down on his head from above, digging the crown deeper into his skull. Bowser spasmed, his movements slowed by the surrounding water. This wasn’t working! This stupid pink fire…it tasted all wrong.

There was a muffled splash as Mario dove into the water. Peach noticed, and reached toward Mario, still caught by one arm. Mrs. Sushie slammed against Bowser’s back from behind.

Then, as Bowser saw Mario, and saw Peach’s face as she looked at Mario, something clicked. As water filled Bowser’s lungs, Bowser pulled Peach tight against his chest. He tried to scream, “Maaarioooo!” but all that came out was a stream of bubbles…followed by a full, red flame.

Sensing something was coming, Mario swam to reach the ceiling, before a pillar of red fire ripped through the water. As 100,000 gallons of water were instantly boiled to steam, the sheer force sent a shockwave through the pool that knocked Mario into the stone wall on the other side.

The red fire tore through the purple warp pipe, melting it to slag, and Bowser, Peach, and Mrs. Sushie shot backwards across the entire length of the pool, crashing into the exit pipe on the opposite side. Mrs. Sushie took the brunt of the impact as they slammed to a halt, and floated limply. Peach finally tore herself free from Bowser’s grip and grabbed Mrs. Sushie, but as Peach turned, she knew there was no hope of escape. Bowser kicked away from the exit, his roar audible even under water as he charged a second shot of fiery breath. The entire underwater chamber had already begun to boil. Peach turned to the exit pipe and carried Mrs. Sushie through it.

As Bowser aimed his second breath attack at Mario, he saw two Koopas dive into the water and lift Mario up under his arms from either side. As his lungs screamed for air, Bowser screamed Mario’s name again, and a second pillar of red fire ripped through the already boiling water.

Kooper and Koops felt their turtle shells starting to cook as they shot up and out of the water, carrying Mario along with them. 

…

Just as Koops and Kooper emerged out of the water, Lady Bow floated toward the boiling pool and dove in, turning transparent as she disappeared in the billowing steam. 

Fighting for air, Mario immediately stood up and tried to shove past both Koopas to chase after Lady Bow. Koops stammered as he tried to hold Mario back. “M-Mario? G-get a grip!”

Kooper shook his head. “It’s no use! You’ll never–”

Mario shook both of the Koopas off him, and leapt for the pool. He would have dove straight back in if Madame Flurrie hadn’t intervened, letting him crash into her massive, sumo-wrestler-sized belly.

Mario didn’t just feel the heat of the boiling steam. He physically felt it slam against his face like a solid punch as a pillar of steam erupted from the narrow pit that led to the underwater pathway. 

Madame Flurrie puffed her cheeks to create a cold front of icy wind, which was barely enough to shield them as steam filled the room, the warp pipe above acting as the only exhaust.

…

Peach emerged from the warp pipe carrying Mrs. Sushie. Coughing up water, Peach glanced at the pipe she had come from, and saw a painted message that read “One-Way” with an icon of an arrow pointing up. Mrs. Sushie took a shaky breath, then went limp in Peach’s arms.

Stumbling toward the next pipe ahead, Peach examined it, but as she peered down, she saw the warp zone within was beginning to glitch and dissipate. “World 8-4 is falling apart. No going back…” 

Peach glanced up, and saw a red glow ahead. She knew it was a final lava pit, and beyond the ledge, the rope bridge that led to the exit. “...The only way out is through.”

Bowser shot up out of the warp pipe, then slumped forward, landing face-first on the stone floor. “Woo! Sweet, sweet air! Man, do I hate underwater levels!” 

Lifting his face, Bowser spotted Peach. “...Hello, beautiful!”

Peach shook her head. She tried to think of an argument, a plea, but at the moment, she was too terrified, and a moment was all Bowser needed to snatch her by the waist.

…

As Mario strained against his friends to reach the boiling pool, Princess Daisy hooked Mario around his chest and pulled him back, still carrying Luigi’s slumped form over her back with one arm. “Mario? Cool it! That’s boiling water!”

Mario rounded on them, his eyes blazing. “No! I had them!”

Daisy slapped Mario across his face. Mario froze, and felt the tingling spot on his cheek, not quite believing what he’d just felt.

Tears appeared in Daisy’s eyes as she adjusted her grip on Luigi to cradle him. “Cut it out! I need you to think! We all need you to think! So quit hot dogging, and think of a plan that doesn’t involve getting boiled alive!”

Mario was so surprised by Daisy’s slap, it snapped him out of his hot temper. “...You’re right. Lady Bow’s gone ahead. She must have realized she was the only one who possibly could survive that, if she ghosted across…so in that case…”

Mario turned to Vivian. “...We’ll travel through the shadows. Vivian, please take me to Peach’s shadow.”

Vivian rested her hand against Mario’s shadow and shook her head. “No good. Peach isn’t connected to her shadow.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Toadette, are there any hidden paths around the pool?”

Toadette shook her head. “It’s the only route. It’s about 128 meters in length.”

As the room above the pool rose to the temperature of a sauna, Mario started to sweat bullets. “Goombario, Goombella, any chance we can survive that swim?”

Goombario swallowed as he did some quick math in his head. “World record for a 50 meter swim is about 20 seconds, so that’s at least 50 seconds swimming through boiling water.”

Goombella shook her head. “And if that doesn’t kill us outright, we’d be in no position to fight once we reach the other side.”

Mario glanced at the boiling pool. “Then there’s no choice.”

Mario twisted his hand and produced a fireball.

Daisy growled like a cat. “Mrrah! So you are gonna swim across a boiling lake?”

Mario shook his head. “You were right, Daisy. If I had tried that while Bowser was waiting for me, he’d have incinerated me. But thanks to the Fire Flower, my clothes are fire-resistant.”

Goombella bared her fangs. “Yeah, fire-resistant, not fireproof!”

“I’m not hot dogging this time…I’m the only one who has a chance of reaching them.”

They all went silent as they saw the truth of their situation. Princess Daisy glanced once at Luigi’s unconscious form slumped against her, and gave Mario a curt nod.

But Vivian clung to Mario’s sleeve. “I won’t leave you again! …If I hide in your shadow…”

Vivian trailed off as she saw the flaw in her own plan. Mario gently pulled Vivian’s hand away from his sleeve, holding her hand in his. “Can you get the others out of here, Vivian? Maybe if you take them to Goombaria’s shadow, back at the castle?”

Vivian’s lip quivered. “I…I hadn’t thought of that…but it’s risky. The shadows are treacherous here.”

A tremor passed through the ground. Mario squeezed Vivian’s hand. “Then wait as long as you can. If there’s no other way, I’m counting on you to save my friends, to save my brother…”

As Mario released his hold on Vivian’s hand, he looked up to see the faces of all his gathered friends, taking a final deep breath. “And if I fail, I’m counting on you all to help Peach…There’s nothing you can’t do, if you all hang together. Good luck, my friends...Arrivederci!”

With that, Mario turned and dove headfirst into the bubbling, steaming pool. The moment he broke the surface, he felt the heat pressing in on him from all sides. Boiling water seeped into the gaps of his gloves, and down the collar of his shirt. Every square inch of exposed skin screamed at him in protest, but he shut his eyes tight and swam forward. 

Sure enough, he felt the power of the fire flower like a thin envelope surrounding his body, just barely pushing back the external heat. But it was like holding onto white-hot metal with oven mitts. With every second that passed, Mario felt the heat press slowly, but surely, through the protective layer. 

As he pressed blindly forward, Mario knew that if this didn’t work, if he couldn’t find his way past the obstacles, if the fire flower didn’t hold back the water long enough, he would die in agony, having accomplished nothing. But his mind was calm. The only way out was through.

[End of Chapter XVII]